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Dday #2? And a long introduction.

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AML04 posted 8/1/2013 07:08 AM

I've been reading on this site since right after dday#1 in May. I never posted because I wasn't sure what to write.
There's a lot of M background with infertility, FOO issues and loss but I thought I married my BF. We were both very CA and it created a lot of issues in our M.
In May I found out my H had a 3 mos PA with a co-worker. Through a lot of TT he admitted he started having "feelings" for her in Nov and admitted those feelings to her after Christmas when he gave her a ride home from work. She kissed him and he kissed her back. Then in January he went to her house and they had sex. They told each other it was wrong and couldn't happen again. He went to her house again the next week supposedly to prove they could still just be friends and of course they had sex again. At this point I thought they were friends but after they started hanging out after work I was uncomfortable and told him so. In fact back in Sept I warned him to be careful about the "friendship" because I felt it was dangerous to be friends with someone of the opposite sex. When I told him that he asked if it was ok for them to hang out in a public place. I didn't like it but I said it was okay; turns out they just had sex in her car after a breakfast date. They had a few more encounters in March on work lunch breaks.
FF to April. He apparently told her he was starting to feel uncomfortable with the physical aspect of the relationship. She then decided that they should stop it and stop all communication outside of work. Well this did not go over well with him. It was right around the time of the Boston bombing and he was an emotional mess. He blamed it on that, saw his Dr and went on AD.
In late May I just had a bad feeling and while we were away with friends I checked his phone. I thought maybe he was talking to her about what was wrong; instead I found out about the affair.
The past two months have been extremely hard. We're both in IC and MC, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. And even though I didn't think he was doing as much as he should, he was saying all the right things and was there for me. I was finally starting to see that R would be possible.
Last night I downloaded software that can recover texts from a phone on a computer. I wanted to see if I could pull up his last texts with her so he cod see exactly what I read and try to understand what it did to me. The texts weren't there but what came up was much worse. All the "attachments" from his texts with her were there, and there were hundreds. I won't get into detail but they were graphic and went back a long way. When he got back from IC I confronted him. Asked when it started. He obviously didn't want to day but finally admitted its been going on at least 3 years. He says the sexting was just a release because we weren't having sex very often and everything else about when the affair was true. We talked a lot, he broke down and I told him I'm not sure I can get past this. It's bad enough that it happened but he lied to me about it because he didn't think I would find out. He didn't want to cause me more pain.
So after all this, what do I do? I'm numb. Can someone really get over something like this?? Is it really possible??

Opheliapain posted 8/1/2013 09:19 AM

I'm so sorry for your situation!

If you have been lurking I'm sure you know the advice so I won't give it again.

What do you want? Do you want to be in your relationship? It is okay to not know the answer to that question right now. I would work on this with your very own IC.

Your spidey senses were right on about his relationship in September. Have you had any other gut feelings about other women? Do you believe that they could sext for two years before it got physical?

Oh and tell him to stop blaming your marriage for his sexting. That is 100% on him and him alone. And him not telling you because he didn't want to cause you more pain is not true. He was protecting himself and only himself. It does sound nice to when they say that the lies are for your benefit.


AML04 posted 8/1/2013 09:42 AM

Thank you for your response. I know it was a long post so I appreciate you reading it.
I do want to be with him, I love him so much and that's why this hurts so bad. I just want the man who would never do this to me and I'm not sure he exists any more. I guess that part is up to him.
I do think he was protecting himself but also justified not telling me by thinking it would save me pain. I told him last night he needs to tell me everything and if I find out anything new that he didn't tell me, it's a dealbreaker for me.
I'm just not sure how to work to get past this. It hurts so much I can't breathe.

ninebark posted 8/1/2013 09:56 AM

I just want the man who would never do this to me and I'm not sure he exists any more.

He probably never existed. There is something inside him that is broken and he needs to figure out what that is if he wants to R with you. One does not cheat because you aren't having enough sex, that is easily solved by talking to your spouce. So to blame it on your marriage is just another way to shift the blame from himself.

You don't have to rush into making any decisions if you don't want to. But I would suggest IC for both him and yourself.

You need to take some time and decide what is is you need from him if you want to continue in this marriage. Accept nothing less. At the same time if you find this is a dealbreaker, that's okay too.

I would suggest getting tested for STD's, and seeing a lawyer to protect yourself. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right away but know what your rights are and what you need to be doing.

((hugs)) we have all been there, it sucks but you have our support.

AML04 posted 8/1/2013 10:14 AM

He isn't blaming the marriage now, that's how he justified it then. He says he knows it was a choice he made instead of facing our problems and talking to me. We are both very conflict avoidant and really had no idea how to talk to each other and are both working on that in IC/MC but obviously we have a long way to go.
I don't what I'm going to do now but definitely not ready to talk to a lawyer. I will absolutely figure out what I need from him. Complete honesty is the first. I can't take any more lies.
Thanks so much for the advice.
I honestly don't know what I'm looking for in this post. I guess just to tell my story and have someone say it is possible to move past/through this and come out ok? I'm furious and upset and hurt and I know it's going to last a long time. I just want to know that I won't be wasting my time if I try to reconcile and of course none of you can really tell me that.

OldCow18 posted 8/6/2013 10:59 AM

I don't have any answers, but I wanted to say hello. In reading your signature I see we have many things in common, I met WH in 1998, married in 2003, d-day 6.8.13. He had a PA with coworker from Feb of this year until d-day, but I caught him sexting her 2+ years ago, major confrontation and issues arose. Then a few months after that I caught him doing it again. I even spoke with her about it back then and it was all just "a little fun that went too far" and "they didn't mean for anyone to get hurt" (including her fiance).

The only reason it actually stopped for a while is because she got married and pregnant very soon after the last time I caught them sexting, but when she came back from maternity leave this past winter it took them no time at all to get back to it.

Anyway, I'll be watching for your posts, and if you ever want to PM me to talk to someone in a similar situation and similar timeline, I'm here {{{hugs to you}}}

doggiediva posted 8/6/2013 11:23 AM

It doesn't mean you have to file for D nor do you need to tell WH, but I would find some L's in your area that offer free legal consults and pay one a visit..To find out that WH was cheating almost 1/2 of those 9 years of marriage is overwhelming/traumatic/heartbreaking to say the least...
For me, knowing my rights in case of S or D took a load off of my mind so that I could concentrate on whether or not I wanted to R based on WH's actions...I had a little bit less fear of the unknown..
(((Hugs)))) and strength

AML04 posted 8/6/2013 11:31 AM

A quick response because I'm at work.
OC-I would love to talk to you about it a but more. He says he really thought he was only using it for "release" but now understands how it was so much more. The issue is he is having a very hard time discussing it and that is frustrating to me. I find it SO hard that he didn't think that what he was doing was not a good thing for us :(

DD-that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much for the support, it feels good to know there are options too.

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