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Newest Member: broken52507 (45707)

User Topic: How would you feel about a MC who...
Phoenix9572
♀ 39987
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just told me she's on her 3rd marriage. Her first husband was physically abusive and cheated so she divorced him. Her second husband also cheated and apparently was pretty twisted from the impression I got.
I just was kind of surprised to find out that I'm taking advice and counseling from someone that hasn't had very successful relationships. Overall I really like her and she's pretty good about seeing through WH's bullcrap. However there are times I feel like she gives him a pass. Grrr....
What are your thoughts?


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have some concerns for a couple of reasons. He choice in men and the fact that she shared all of this with you seems unprofessional to me. I do know our MC was divorced but he has been married to his wife now for a long time but I don't know the reasons for his divorce. I think you can get divorced for a number of reasons and still be a good MC but yours doesn't sound good to me


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1659 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
sudra
♀ 30143
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you're saying, but I would make my decision on whether to stay with her based upon how well she does her job with you.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1514 | Registered: Nov 2010
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was she some how responsible for them cheating or hitting her?

ETA: She may have poor taste in men, but I think I would base my decision on if you felt her counseling was effective

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198795 | Registered: May 2002
Phoenix9572
♀ 39987
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just thinking back to what I posted and realized how that may have sounded. I no way does anyone deserve to be abused or cheated on. I was more looking at the viewpoint that it has got to maintain a professional perspective when you have been through similar pain/issues as those you are counseling.
I sincerely apologize for anyone I may have hurt or offended.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally think her practices and how she tells you to utilize the tools she will give you to cope will be that much more effective if she has experienced it herself and has used these tools to get through.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2797 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Easier to give others advice than to take it ourselves.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6630 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
TrustedHer
♂ 23328
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember the tale about the shoemaker's children.

Counselors are people, just like the rest of us. They have a set of skills, and they are trained in how to apply them... To other people.

It takes a whole extra level of skill to turn those observations around and apply them to yourself.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5194 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think it is better to have someone that has been thru real life issuse then someone blowing smoke up my butt with no knowlegde of ever having to deal with what we have.
I think the tools she give you will tell. She may not be giving him a free pass but trying to get to see where he is in his mind before getting to the nitty gritty.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2870 | Registered: Aug 2011
Smedley
♂ 33446
Member # 33446
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be real concerned on several levels. First, you are paying her for advice....you are not the MC, and should not be burdened with her issues.

Secondly, I'd be concerned about personal bias. I think a MC has to be absolutely open minded and neutral. Personal bias and misfortunes do not seem to work in this way. If she is openly discussing these issues, she may not have moved on. In any event, she needs to separate them from her work.


Married 25
Her WS - 48
Me BH - 50
3 Kids
DDay 8/25/11 - learned of multiple instances with other man which has spanned early and late in our marriage

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: VA
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC has been divorced twice, but she's 65 years old and the experience has made her wiser. She's a great counselor.

Some doctors smoke, but give patients the right advice. Some lawyers draft great estate planning docs for their clients, then die without a will. It's common for professionals to take care of everyone but themselves.

I agree with sudra - consider only the job that she's doing.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1485 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therapy has been a long-term interest for me. I've been to a number of conferences, know a number of therapists, and have seen a number of therapists at work. A lot of good therapists have or had significant issues. Of course, that's even more true for a lot of bad therapists, too.

I'm a follower of Transactional Analysis specifically and 'humanist' (Gestalt, for example) approaches in general, and it's common for these therapists to reveal some personal things, so if your MC is a humanist, the revelations are probably OK.

But with any therapist, even award-winning ones, you're in charge of your own growth. If this MC helps you a good bit and does very little harm*, great. If the help-harm ratio isn't overwhelmingly on the help side, though, fire her and look for someone else.

* Anybody can say some things that don't work for you. A good MC for will say only a few things that don't help.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 12

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