If it was on suspicion I would let it slide and then go into full on investigation mode. You'll need evidence for the next confrontation.
If it was with evidence, I don't know. Maybe do the same thing. Continue to gather more evidence.
Is the AP married? A lot of people here recommend outing the affair to the other BS. That will help to bring the whole thing to light.
In my case he denied it even when presented with 20 pages of texts and emails. I think they go into immediate denial, I really don't think they can help it actually.
Fill us in a bit more and we can help you more
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I am sorry you have had to join our ranks. You are in a world of hurt and confusion. I suspected for 2 years before finally found a treasure trove of emails and texts that magically popped up on a new I pad we had bought....I threw up twice and then called a very well ground good friend who carefully directed me through printing out and storing all the evidence. I couldn't be in denial anymore...reality was my new hell.
I am not sure how to help you from here. My intervention and Dday with my hubby was a lot different because the affair was almost over, we lived a long way away from the OW and he was instantly, after trying to deny things, became a mess of a man who needed as much help as I did.
This place which you have found is full of wonderful people who can help you. I know more of them will answer. I will keep following and post when you experience something I can help you with.
The only advice I have now is don't settle for her lies anymore. You are worth the truth and your happiness and we are here to help you get to that. Buckle up because it isn't a fun or easy trip.
[This message edited by TxsT at 10:19 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
I, too, am dealing with an unremorseful spouse. I found that continued lies hurt way more than total truth.
I understand the pain you're feeling, and urge you to come here often. It might not make you feel better, but having an outlet does help. We're all here for you.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
There is no way to nice a WW back. You simply can't. She'll walk all over your heart with golf spikes and deny that you're bleeding. You need to be very strong now, very focused, and try to look at together as you possibly can.
First off, make a copy of the PIs report. Give it to her boss's wife. Don't tell her that you're going to do it, just do it. If you know that she's screwing someone else as well and they have a spouse or SO, give that SO a copy too. 1) Exposing an A to the light sends all the parties running in circles like cockaroaches. 2) The OM will probably throw your WW to the curb in order to save their marriages. 3) You will now have multiple sets of eyes on the APs which makes it harder for them to get back together. and most of all 4) those BWs have as much right as you do, to know what kind of marriage they are in, get STD/HIV tests run on them for their protection, and decide what they need to do in their marriages.
Next, you need to detatch. In the upper left corner, in the yellow box, is The Healing Library link. Click on it. Look for the description of what the "180" is, and why it's effective. This is not a punishment for your spouse nor is it intended to get them to come back to you. This is for YOU, to allow you to detatch enough to figure out what you need and want to help you. If the OM toss her under the bus, she may come crying back to you, raging back to you, or any combo. But unless she comes back with utter remorse, admits her adultry, and takes actions to get to the bottom of why she was so broken, this will all be a ploy to try to get you to be her "B" plan, while she goes out looking for more excitement.
This is hard stuff and I'm so sorry that you are facing it. But keep this foremost in your mind. You did not cause her to have an A. She CHOSE to do it. Her A wasn't a mistake, it wasn't passion sweeping her off of her feet, it wasn't because you didn't walk the dog every Sunday morning, it was a concious choice that SHE made. The A is all on her.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
In the end I didn't go. I had lunch with a friend instead and she was relieved I decided against it. I know now nothing would of come from it. She is delusional and still, after almost a year of "get away from me from my hubby" she still thinks he is madly in love with her.
Put that anger and desire towards something good. You will be glad in the end you didn't waist your time.
So far, it looks like mine came completely clean when I busted her. And everything just poured out. I see your WH resisted to begin with, then opened the floodgates.
Time will tell for me. The guys over at the Betrayed Men thread are convinced my WW is hiding something more but despite this cheating, her core personality hasn't changed. Thank you for your support. I hope one day I can actually talk to you. You sound both strong and wise.
He resisted only for a short while because he was very unsure of if I would stay or not. I too admit that it could have easily gone the other way. One thing you have not heard yet from me is that I have had problems with my heart. This started just before the A but this whole process has made it much worse. I had a mild heart attack almost 6 years ago now and we have been trying to figure out why since them. If I don't take my 7 different pills a day my BP will kill me. My husband was extremely worried that the weight of this hell would kill me. He couched some of the more horrible things because he was afraid I would have another HA. Once I told him that couching hurt more then the actual truth the flood gates opened. We haven't looked back.
My energy and anger would have best served me by focusing on taking care of myself because discovery was only the beginning. Real truth didn't surface until divorce papers were served and my ex realized I really was serious.
Take care of yourself my friend. I wish I had discovered SI sooner. I've lurked for a while now and there is some great advice I wish I had taken during my early stages of discovery. It's too late for me as my marriage is gone, but I hope you are able to find what the truth is and you have a chance to save your marriage.
[This message edited by BryanP37 at 3:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]
I'm sorry she's not showing you any remorse.
Please listen to BryanP37, his post is spot on.
Please heed it.
I'm so sorry to see another join our ranks. You will get through this.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:18 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]