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Sman posted 8/1/2013 08:44 AM

Have confronted WW, and she will not come clean and not go to MC. What to do? Thanks.

simplydevastated posted 8/1/2013 08:49 AM

How did you confront her? Did you confront with a suspicion or did you confront with evidence?

If it was on suspicion I would let it slide and then go into full on investigation mode. You'll need evidence for the next confrontation.

If it was with evidence, I don't know. Maybe do the same thing. Continue to gather more evidence.

Is the AP married? A lot of people here recommend outing the affair to the other BS. That will help to bring the whole thing to light.

hotcoffee posted 8/1/2013 08:50 AM

A little more detail would help. Did you confront her with evidence? Did she admit anything?

Emptyshelldad posted 8/1/2013 08:51 AM

hey bro, I know this is very hard and you're probably going out of your mind right now, but we are pros at this stuff. I can tell you though, that we need details of your situation, how long you've been together, if there are kids involved, who you think she's seeing, what proof you have, what you have done to confront, what she said when confronted, etc etc.
this way we can give a very specific way to nail her ass down, so she can't squirm out of it. but time is of the essence as she is probably already "circling her wagons" and closing ranks.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 09:29 AM

Your spouse will deny, even after you put printed words they wrote to their lover under their nose. You need to dig very deep, get irrefutable evidence and then go back to your spouse and do not take no for an answer.

In my case he denied it even when presented with 20 pages of texts and emails. I think they go into immediate denial, I really don't think they can help it actually.

Fill us in a bit more and we can help you more


Sman posted 8/1/2013 09:37 AM

She had a secret place and was closing shop. I showed up to confront her there, and there were condoms, lingerie, a vibrator, couch, books, beer and wine. The OP is her boss which is also married, and possibly another person. We have been married for 10+ years and have children. A P.I. has been on her for quite some time, but I did not want to believe the facts that I was presented.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 10:18 AM


I am sorry you have had to join our ranks. You are in a world of hurt and confusion. I suspected for 2 years before finally found a treasure trove of emails and texts that magically popped up on a new I pad we had bought....I threw up twice and then called a very well ground good friend who carefully directed me through printing out and storing all the evidence. I couldn't be in denial anymore...reality was my new hell.

I am not sure how to help you from here. My intervention and Dday with my hubby was a lot different because the affair was almost over, we lived a long way away from the OW and he was instantly, after trying to deny things, became a mess of a man who needed as much help as I did.

This place which you have found is full of wonderful people who can help you. I know more of them will answer. I will keep following and post when you experience something I can help you with.

The only advice I have now is don't settle for her lies anymore. You are worth the truth and your happiness and we are here to help you get to that. Buckle up because it isn't a fun or easy trip.


[This message edited by TxsT at 10:19 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Sman posted 8/1/2013 10:19 AM

During our conversation she shows no remorse, and answers questions with questions, or avoids questions by changing the subject. This is frustrating..........

krazy8516 posted 8/1/2013 10:26 AM


I, too, am dealing with an unremorseful spouse. I found that continued lies hurt way more than total truth.

I understand the pain you're feeling, and urge you to come here often. It might not make you feel better, but having an outlet does help. We're all here for you.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 10:29 AM

Sman... I forgot to point you to the healing library. It is full of great information and helpful advise. Dealing with an unsimpathic or unremorseful spouse is very different then my experience. I encourage you to start healing yourself by reading up and exploring how you are feeling.


Sman posted 8/1/2013 13:26 PM

Thanks everyone. How do you keep from going to OP and pummeling the truth out of them? Everyone tells me this will not solve anything, but personally it will calm the negative feelings going through me at this time.

Skan posted 8/1/2013 13:37 PM

I'm so sorry, Sman. It's a whole world of hurt when they continue to insist that the sky is green, even when you're pointing upwards at the blueness.

There is no way to nice a WW back. You simply can't. She'll walk all over your heart with golf spikes and deny that you're bleeding. You need to be very strong now, very focused, and try to look at together as you possibly can.

First off, make a copy of the PIs report. Give it to her boss's wife. Don't tell her that you're going to do it, just do it. If you know that she's screwing someone else as well and they have a spouse or SO, give that SO a copy too. 1) Exposing an A to the light sends all the parties running in circles like cockaroaches. 2) The OM will probably throw your WW to the curb in order to save their marriages. 3) You will now have multiple sets of eyes on the APs which makes it harder for them to get back together. and most of all 4) those BWs have as much right as you do, to know what kind of marriage they are in, get STD/HIV tests run on them for their protection, and decide what they need to do in their marriages.

Next, you need to detatch. In the upper left corner, in the yellow box, is The Healing Library link. Click on it. Look for the description of what the "180" is, and why it's effective. This is not a punishment for your spouse nor is it intended to get them to come back to you. This is for YOU, to allow you to detatch enough to figure out what you need and want to help you. If the OM toss her under the bus, she may come crying back to you, raging back to you, or any combo. But unless she comes back with utter remorse, admits her adultry, and takes actions to get to the bottom of why she was so broken, this will all be a ploy to try to get you to be her "B" plan, while she goes out looking for more excitement.

This is hard stuff and I'm so sorry that you are facing it. But keep this foremost in your mind. You did not cause her to have an A. She CHOSE to do it. Her A wasn't a mistake, it wasn't passion sweeping her off of her feet, it wasn't because you didn't walk the dog every Sunday morning, it was a concious choice that SHE made. The A is all on her.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 14:20 PM me I almost did go and confront the snake in my story. Everyone told me it wasn't going to be a good idea but of coarse I wasn't going to listen to them. In order to get to my h's OW though I had to fly to a different country. Once in our old city I got as close as a mile from my H's old work place. That's when I started throwing up and having panic attacks. I had them a lot back then. I realized there was no way in hell I could keep my composure if I went through with this and that was unacceptable to me. She didn't need to receive any more power and least of all power from my hell.

In the end I didn't go. I had lunch with a friend instead and she was relieved I decided against it. I know now nothing would of come from it. She is delusional and still, after almost a year of "get away from me from my hubby" she still thinks he is madly in love with her.

Put that anger and desire towards something good. You will be glad in the end you didn't waist your time.


ArableSands posted 8/1/2013 14:26 PM

TxsT it's no wonder your words carry extra gravity with me. While most of the details of our stories of pain differ, we have something potently similar: both of our WS were at a point where they were collapsing under the weight of the cheating.

So far, it looks like mine came completely clean when I busted her. And everything just poured out. I see your WH resisted to begin with, then opened the floodgates.

Time will tell for me. The guys over at the Betrayed Men thread are convinced my WW is hiding something more but despite this cheating, her core personality hasn't changed. Thank you for your support. I hope one day I can actually talk to you. You sound both strong and wise.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 15:08 PM


He resisted only for a short while because he was very unsure of if I would stay or not. I too admit that it could have easily gone the other way. One thing you have not heard yet from me is that I have had problems with my heart. This started just before the A but this whole process has made it much worse. I had a mild heart attack almost 6 years ago now and we have been trying to figure out why since them. If I don't take my 7 different pills a day my BP will kill me. My husband was extremely worried that the weight of this hell would kill me. He couched some of the more horrible things because he was afraid I would have another HA. Once I told him that couching hurt more then the actual truth the flood gates opened. We haven't looked back.


BryanP37 posted 8/1/2013 15:13 PM

I can attest that confronting the AP is a bad idea. I did just that upon discovery of my ex wife's affair. I too felt it would calm my very negative emotions. Instead, it escalated and resulted in me sending the AP to the ER with a broken jaw and a facial laceration. I am very fortunate that I wasn't arrested and charged with assault and battery. Prison would have been a real possibility. The AP is not worth it. I realized almost too late it wasn't about him, but her.

My energy and anger would have best served me by focusing on taking care of myself because discovery was only the beginning. Real truth didn't surface until divorce papers were served and my ex realized I really was serious.

Take care of yourself my friend. I wish I had discovered SI sooner. I've lurked for a while now and there is some great advice I wish I had taken during my early stages of discovery. It's too late for me as my marriage is gone, but I hope you are able to find what the truth is and you have a chance to save your marriage.

[This message edited by BryanP37 at 3:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

simplydevastated posted 8/1/2013 20:57 PM

Sman, I know how gratifying beating the tar it off him would be but that is not the direction you want to go in.

I'm sorry she's not showing you any remorse.

Please listen to BryanP37, his post is spot on.

CuckoldedinMa posted 8/1/2013 21:45 PM

Skan has some excellent advice for you.

Please heed it.

I'm so sorry to see another join our ranks. You will get through this.

doggiediva posted 8/2/2013 00:16 AM

I agree Skan does have excellent advice and references for you..
I can't over emphasize the need to focus on yourself and your health...
I read the post Texas T wrote about the affects of stress and heart attack on her health....
Mental health will make or break your physical health....
Doctors are working on me at this time to get my blood pressure under control before I stroke out..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:18 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

quoththeraven1 posted 8/2/2013 00:41 AM

Please, please listen to them, from one who made every conceivable mistake after discovering the affair.

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