My partner isn't transparent, and I don't trust him. I always get suspicious of things out of the ordinary now.
I am working on setting up a list of things I need from him and boundaries I expect him to adhere too. It has taken me 10 years of this mess to realize I am in the right and I don't need to take the No-Transparency and I don't need to continue to give blind faith to him. If he can't offer me up his passwords, cell phone and email, I cannot heal.
But everyone is different.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
will not let me look at her cell phone, tell me her email account username, of course she de-friended me on facebook and will not allow me to look at her facebook page
She still gets upset and will not let me look at her cell phone, tell me her email account username, of course she de-friended me on facebook and will not allow me to look at her facebook page.
ceilingwalker... this is not cool. Not cool at all. Your wife should be 100% transparent with you at this point. Why did she de-friend you on facebook?
The title of your topic says it all. What is your gut telling you?
Gently speaking, I'm worried that she may not be out of this affair, or at the very least not coming 100% clear with you, if she is still maintaining all of this secrecy. Between the cell phone, email, and facebook... that is a lot of secrecy.
My FWH acted the same way. He never uses FB as far as I know. But I don't ask. Since you know all these things are happening you should be suspicious.
You reminded me that I let it go and it is eating me up inside. I am going to ask again and he act the same way. I'll know he is still hiding things from me. My other choice is to take our computer to get it "fixed".
Either way she is not helping rebuild your M and if you let her continue you too will have ulcers.
You are not crazy, she is. How can she expect you start trusting her is she is not honest? You can't.
I also would be wondering why she is being so nice. That's part of being a BS. It takes a long time to trust again. If the WS doesn't do everything we ask to help us rebuild trust, it will never happen
Why did she de-friend you on facebook?
Does she act like you shouldn't be asking her such questions
You reminded me that I let it go and it is eating me up inside
He, being the cheater, does not offer transparency to me and that makes it very hard to rebuild shattered trust.
Does it bother you that she continues to not give you access to her personal things such as facebook, email, cell phone or any of the like?
She then tells me if we are going to fix this marriage I have to forget what happened
There's still a lot of questions your wife has yet to answer, and her cutting you off is not reconciling, and not helping.
There's some horrible boundaries that were crossed. Not only the sexting, but on your son's iPad?
And she can't answer to any of that?
All of that being said... how are you handling things, overall?
Please take care of yourself. This is horrible stuff you are going through. Are you able to eat? Please don't forget to drink water as well. This stuff can physically and mentally wreak havoc on you.
We're here for you, man. I'm glad you're here and opening up about these issues. I'm sure more folks will be along to offer advice as well.
She says it is because I enjoy tormenting myself
Have you tried IC/MC? I know it sounds cliche, but when I took my FWH to see a counselor they broke it down for him. That he needed to see my pain and console me. I think he needed to hear from a professional outsider. And, I swear it really works.
And, "getting over" it is not that simple. SHE's going to have to fix herself, you fix yourself and together fix yourselves. I'm sorry, ceilingwalker, 4 weeks out I was still bawling my eyes out on the commute to and from work, in the shower, and anywhere else I was alone.
She needs to own her actions. It's a long, tough journey, but you need to tell her what you need and she needs to do it. My H tried telling me things to manipulate the situation at first to avoid the huge elephant sitting in the room. Now, he's gently tending to that elephant.
And, she's in deep shit. She should be asking for permission to do stuff, go places. She should be giving you the information as to what she's doing, not hiding it. That's just a recipe for disaster and an opportunity for her to do it again. Smash her phone. Make her get a new one. Ok, don't smash it, but make her have no contact with AP, in any possible way. No fb.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:06 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
It sounds like she is calling all the shots in your M.
It too me 10 years to get to the point where his lack of transparency is killing me.
Giving blind faith is very hard. Our partners who have betrayed our trust should want to give anything and everything to make this work and make us feel safe, at least that is my opinion on the matter now.
That is why I have sat down and am working on a list of things that needs to happen immediately and if they don't, which is a real possibility, I am prepping myself to walk away for good.
Your situation is tough with children, but if you are so unhappy and untrusting, I believe children pick up on that.
Transparency is step 1 to R. If you want to stay married for whatever reason, and have no expectation of healing, or R'in, just being married to someone who gets to do whatever they want then continue down this path. But if you want to R with this woman, then you have to DEMAND transparency, access to everything, and she needs to understand that you get to snoop whenever however you want.
If she gives you one iota of disagreement, arguement, or bluster then she is most likely still carrying on. She is happy to be nice as long as you fall into line, but if you don't then she makes you feel bad. She is abusing and manipulating you. This is not a healthy relationship.
Why would it be ok for you to give her access to everything and not reciprocate?
Um, why is this even a question, and why are you allowing it?
She has threatened me millions of times throughout our marriage that she will take the boys and move back to Mexico and I will never see them again and I am afraid to call her bluff.
Possibly seek out a lawyer if you haven't already to help you understand the laws and your rights?
This sounds so unhealthy for everyone involved.