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Tesa posted 8/1/2013 10:22 AM

When did I become this person who is distrustful? Why don't I trust him? Why would he stay with someone who doesn't trust him? Would I stay with someone who didn't trust? Am I blaming him for the sins of my ex?

Yes, I know that he had an A and told many many lies. But, he has atoned for those lies. He has worked hard. We have worked hard! I know he loves me and deeply regrets his actions. He's reassured me thousands of times. But I still can't let go: always wondering. This is not the person I want to be.

kiki1 posted 8/1/2013 16:16 PM


you didnt create the distrust in yourself.

Unfortunately, though your h may have atoned for his lies, a lie is still a lie and it makes it hard for us to ever really trust or believe that person again.

Once betrayed, we will always be just a bit distrustful.

It really isnt possible for us to be otherwise i dont believe.

Your distrust is just one of those ugly casualities of an affair we are left with.

VD2012 posted 8/2/2013 12:38 PM

I don't trust my wife. I don't distrust her either. I trust in me. I trust what I see. And so far she makes me see everything.

Truthfully my trust in her hasn't really been tested yet. I just observe and she makes sure I never have a doubt or worry in mind. I have no clue if that is taxing on her or perhaps it's easy as can be. She has told me being proactive and transparent feels better, so there's that.

I've never really trusted anyone in my life, until I met my wife. Then of course she did what she did, and is now doing what she is doing.

One thing I do know is that I trust in myself more than anything. What I think, what I feel, how I'll react, why I am who I am, all of it really I trust in that. I trust myself.

Also, my wife and I just had a conversation about trust last week. I trust a great many things about her and what she does. I trust her with our finances for instance. She knows how to handle money well and is better at it than I am. Would I trust her alone with some guy I don't know? Probably not. It hasn't been tested and likely won't be. I can trust different aspects of who she is without wholesale "trusting" which in turn allows her to slowly build up trust in other areas that are lacking.

[This message edited by VD2012 at 12:39 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

huRtZ413 posted 8/2/2013 12:48 PM

i was told trust is built
then i was told trust is a choice of your mind

both therapist !

you will go crazy if you don't trust and its hard to do !
i think what she was saying is trust again and if he proves you wrong and unworthy of your trust again then you know where you stand and make decisions accordingly . its for your own peace of mind a trust in yourself to follow through on whats best for you and you know what that is ....

so she would say if you want to be with this man TRUST because if you dont then there is no use in being with him its a leap of faith to trust anyone and if you want him and he is making the right moves and really remorseful and helping you heal then trust and no matter what happens know that you will do whats best for you

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 12:57 PM

Good answers....

Have you ever thought of having this exact conversation with your WH? In this exact context? I think it would be a great way to start an honest conversation about what each of you thinks trust involves.

Like VD pointed out, trust involves so many different levels and things. Maybe you would feel better saying the things you can trust in him first.

I have yet to have this conversation with my RWS. We are still dealing with just creating a new foundation for the new us. But now that I have read your post, this is definitely something I am going to bring up....I may start by asking him if he feels I trust him and see where that goes. I am like VD...there are many things I still trust him heart wants to but it is still a bit shy.


[This message edited by TxsT at 12:57 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Sal1995 posted 8/2/2013 14:40 PM

I trust my wife in some areas and in other areas not at all.

I trust her to manage the books at my practice, to take care of our kids, and to generally manage our home.

I don't trust her with my heart, because she has shown that she'll break it for her own selfish pleasure without hesitation.

But this is a marathon, not a sprint. She seems to be trying to earn my trust. Maybe one day it will be restored.

This is not the person I want to be.

Not trusting the untrustworthy doesn't make you a bad person, Tesa. It makes you human. "Once bitten, twice shy" as they say. But if his efforts are sincere and his behavior over time is trustworthy, I suspect trust will slowly come back. It will probably never be 100%, but it is probably foolish to trust any fallible human 100% - including yourself.

3kids30years posted 8/2/2013 14:58 PM

Once betrayed, we will always be just a bit distrustful.

I know I will. I trusted my WH to always have my back, to always support me, to always consider how things effected us.

I now know that I can't trust him to do those things. I hope he does, I think he does. But I will never again trust that he does. Just another thing that is now gone. Maybe it will be back, but I doubt I will ever TRULY trust him again.

Sad but true.

Emotionalhell posted 8/2/2013 15:18 PM

I was read .... Trust is fragile.. It is continually earned..

As for me I doubt I will ever blindly trust anyone again.. The ppl in my life & the experiences I have had have taught me not to trust.. Sorry I'm not any help to you.

Shockedman posted 8/5/2013 16:09 PM

I think all of us who have been betrayed realized a HUGE lesson a little to late. You can never trust anyone 100%. If you do, you are a fool. We were all fools, thinking our spouses were not human. That they would never hurt us or make a mistake. We were wrong. I think trust needs to be earned back and as it is, you will learn to trust again. Even it can get up to 95% that is good. You still need to reserve some of it. Trust in yourself and your thoughts, feelings and emotions. That 5% will save you from being played a fool ever again. It keeps you on your toes.

Card posted 8/5/2013 20:41 PM

My wife and I created an environment where she could have a level of trust that didn't make her feel like a baby sitter.

We agreed to never spend the night apart.
We created extraordinary boundaries in all areas of my life.
We are radically honest together.
We never do anything that the other is not enthusiastic with.
Etc. etc. etc....

My wife would have been a fool to trust me without boundaries. And I mean extraordinary boundaries.

We created these to allow transparency and with this transparency comes a level of trust my wife is willing to extend.

As a result, our love for each other has grown leaps and bounds beyond what would have otherwise been possible....

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