Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

so frustrating

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

sohurtbyhim posted 8/1/2013 11:45 AM

It's been over two years now since my last DD and the effects of WH's affair still affect me. Throughout the false R, there were so many lies that he doesn't even know what was real and what isn't.

I needed to know everything. I needed to know if he really loved her as he said he did or if it he said and did the things he did "just for sex" as he says. He says he's told me everything. Yeah....everything he "remembers", but it seems as if everytime we talk about the affair, something changes. In the scheme of things perhaps the stupidest was that last night we were talking and I told him how thinking of her touching him makes me so sad. I have always loved his strong hands and legs. For me, the sexiest parts of him are his legs and hands and thinking of her touching them hurts me deeply.

Early in disclosure I wanted to know everything and I asked him if they walked around holding hands and he told me Yes, in the parking lot. Yesterday, I triggered and when he asked me why I looked sad, I told him that I was looking at his legs and hands and thinking about how strong they looked and then I thought of her touching him. Holding hands came up and he said he didn't hold her hand. He said that he never told me that. This is a man that claims to have a memory problem.

The problem this gives me is that I don't know what is real or what isn't during any of the affair. Were the details of the affair a lie (he freely admits to continuing to lie to me while continuing in the affair), is it truly a lapse in memory, etc.

He says he told me everything.....but it's bits and idea of when things happened and then the story changes.

Has anyone else had to deal with this and if so, how? I guess the best thing is to put it all aside since I've chosen to stay with him, but I need to understand things. I need to know the whys, but if he doesn't know them or admit to them, I guess I never will.

MovingUpward posted 8/1/2013 13:53 PM

The fact that he has given you conflicting stories on this may not indicate that you know the truth. There is still the possibility that after 2 years he really doesn't remember. Maybe he did hold hands with her and that wasn't a significant event. I know if I was to try and remember what my xWW did I couldn't remember it is clear detail. I can't even remember how I responded exactly to the discovery of it. I'd have to go back and reread journals. As a guy remembering if I held hands isn't important to me that I am not sure I'd remember it unless there was something else tied to that action to make it a special memory. Does what he say contradict any evidence that you have captured about the affair?

Have you asked him for a complete timeline? Maybe having him do that will help. However, I really feel that your best bet to gauge his commitment to R will be consistency of his actions. How are these?

Since you've decided to stay with him I think that you need to find out what you need to have done to get the healing from the A started. The not knowing is holding you up. The downside of waiting until you know everything, is that you really don't know what that point is until more evidence arises. There has to come a time when you are satisfied that your questions have been answered and that you trust that there is no more.

This will be a challenge to do. Think things over and think about what you need to move ahead.

sohurtbyhim posted 8/2/2013 07:06 AM

Hi Moving Upward,

You are so right and my head knows that I should move forward. My problem is that just when I think I "know" some details of the affair, something about it changes.

Another example of this would be when I asked him if he ever took her anywhere and he said no. Later I found out that he did take her out to dinner one time. (So he says)

I know they had sex, I know they had a relationship. I need to know if he loved her as he told her he did or if he just said that so she would continue in the affair with him. He says it was all "just for the sex". My take on that is that if it truly was just for sex (not that it doesn't hurt all the same) is then why weren't there other women? Why would he have a relationship with this person....spending just about every break and lunch with her for months....besides the sex, he was treating her as if she was his girlfriend. In my head, if it was "just for sex" he wouldn't really care about doing all the "nice" things he did for her. Any thoughts?

mepe27 posted 8/2/2013 08:55 AM

I agree with movingupward, I think sometimes the contradictions are lies but just not putting importance on things that we do.

I have a couple theories on the need to know details. First, I think a BS needs details b/c we don't know what is true, details help us get a clear truthful picture of what happened. We need to know the actual event before we can begin to heal from it. Same reason when we find out a friend or family member has died, we ask, why? how? when? we're not being gruesome, we have to make peace with something horrible and we need the truth of the event in order to process it and begin to heal. So the first thing I'd do is sit down in a journal and write out the affair, what happened, why, how, etc. See if there are holes somewhere in there that are causing you this need for details. From experience, if there is a major conflict your mind will not rest until it is resolved and if you can pinpoint where it is you'll be able to get to the bottom of it more quickly.

Secondly, I feel that a BS asks questions b/c they NEED to know why. How could this person that we love and trust do such a horrible thing, who are they? We are digging for clues in their descriptions of who they really are and why they made the choices they did. I think if you decide there are no holes in his story this might be what is driving your need to know details. In my experience, it was not what my H told me that helped me understand it was more about understanding what was going on with him prior to the A and changing my perspective a bit, putting myself in his shoes. When I did that I had a better understanding. I can say 100% an A would never have been my choice had I been in his shoes, he was sad, frustrated, etc, something we all have been from time to time, I have been, especially after d-day I was SAD, as you know. and after d-day I wanted comfort, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be treated kindly and sometimes I wanted to escape for a bit. I drank more, I smoked more, I shopped more after d-day and suddenly I saw that an A would have those same "benefits" an A is a way to escape from real life, having someone tell you your hot is nice when you feel like shit.

That is how I understood, and once I understood I didn't need my H to explain it anymore, I got it.

There are probably more reasons, I'm not a scientist, that was just my experience.

I think it's not about putting it aside in order to move on but making peace with what happened. Not accepting it but understanding why it happened and knowing how to handle those feelings in the future in a more productive way. Knowing that my H and I talk more honestly now, that we share when we are scared or worried instead of keeping it in helps me move forward in our marriage.

kiki1 posted 8/2/2013 10:30 AM

I understand your pain sohurtbyhim.

i too have been given conflicting stories. it has inhibited my healing. We should definitely know the extent of their feelings for their ap.

I have told him i cant do this anymore, cannot rebuild a life on lies. in my case, thats what they are is lies.

I dont know where to go from here. I cant just put it aside, i wanted it all out in the open so it could be addressed.

ugh, idk. I am over 3 years out. I suppose its time to focus more on myself. Rebuild myself, emotionally detach.

hugs sohurt, i hope you get what you need.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.