Somehow I just don't care anymore. So not me, I have always been such a hard worker, now I am so totally unmotivated.
I feel consumed by this pain, I have brief time when I feel ok, but it seems to always be with me.
I find it such a struggle to turn off the thoughts, even when I am laughing it still hurts.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
I'm at work now. I'm responsible for over 20 people, and a multi million dollar budget. I used to be one of the most productive people in the company, but now I spend my day looking for support from my friends or from SI.
The pain never seems to leave, it just subsides for a while. It's always in the background. I'm not quite 4 weeks out, so I'm hoping desperately it gets better.
I am self employed and need to be self motivated.
I haven't really worked consistently since dday. That has been the main focus of working on myself lately. The more I am able to do the better I feel about myself.
I don't really have suggestions. But I can definitely relate. But I am our working today. And I feel good!!!
Depending on your work situation, it may be beneficial for you to share with your management and/or HR that you are going through a difficult personal time. I did this, as I was basically worthless for the first 6 months, and was concerned that my performance would endanger my job. In my case, management could not have been more supportive. You have to weigh your own situation carefully, though, and decide for yourself whether it would be a help or a hinderance.
In the end, I stepped back from my management role and into an individual contributor role to reduce my stress levels. Best decision I ever made, although it isn't the right call for everyone.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
Part of me wants to feel bad that I am spending company time grieving instead of working, but dealing with all of this has completely busted my "give-a-shit." I'm in a "me" mode right now - I'm hurting and everyone else's problems, personal or profressional, are not registering at the moment.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
[This message edited by rachelc at 12:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]
There has been so much more damage since dday, I didn't protect myself very well.
It feels as if I am just beginning to get relief, just beginning. I still cry every day.
I keep wishing that I could take a leave from work, I know I am not meeting expectations. I don't even feel like me.
I hope it gets better for you soon.
I will say that I am much better than I was at 4weeks.
At that point, I could not eat anything, lost 40 pounds in about 6 weeks, sick everyday, no sleep, I screamed every night until I lost my voice. I felt crazy.
SI was my lifeline, without it I don't know what I would have done, even still when I need compassion, I come here.
H is beginning to try but it doesn't always hit the mark. He is just beginning to understand.
There is so much I would have done differently, keep reading here. Protect yourself.
Fortunately for me, I had just started a new job in January. When things started changing for us in March, then DDay in April, I was not up to speed in my role yet. No one expected me to contribute 1000%. But, I knew I could have done better...
((lots of hugs to those of us that spend our breaks and lunch hours - or more - on SI everyday))
[This message edited by TXBW68 at 12:28 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]
I used to put in 100% at work. Frankly I was a typical physician workaholic. This contributed to the relationship problems preceding fWS' affair. Now I kick back some. Take vacation. If I feel bad I take off. No one is going to take care of me but me. No more martyrdom. Not for the residents. Not for the students. Not for the patients. Not for fWS. I put ME first now.
It's funny. When I backed off of all these things I thought I'd be hauled in by my chairman or administrator for "coasting." They did NOT even notice. which means what I thought I HAD to do went completely unappreciated. So now I do my job but I put ME first. The irony is that NOW they put me up for promotion to associate professor! Ha! What a world.
I am doing interior decorating for a family owned company. I have been here for 7 years and have always taken pride in being able to do everything, from unloading trucks to giving seminars for large groups.
Now I just can't see the importance of any of it, I just don't care. My brain keeps saying, "it's only curtains, who cares, my heart is broken".
I guess it has always been a challenge to feel pride in this work but now I just want to walk away from it.
I did try to paint several weeks back, my brush felt like a foreign object.
I oversee special projects and have several going at any given time. I am usually very focused, but my brain still hasn't checked back in. It's here on SI and off wandering in "what if" and "worse case scenario" land.
Some of my lack of focus comes from not eating well and not getting enough sleep. My stomach has been a bundle of nerves and my brain doesn't have an off switch anymore.
My boss finally said something last week, so I'm trying to check back in. Reality is life marches on whether I'm a part of the parade or not.
I'm doing barely the minimum and I need to be creative in my job and that's just gone.
My IC gave me some advice a few months ago that I folllowed, but seem to be off track with it now. She told me to give myself an allotted time to think about A related things and then give myself permission to take a break in order to work - understanding that I can think about it again later. That sounds great, and it worked to an extent, but I seem to have fallen right back into my rut.
Just wanted you to know that you're not alone in how you're feeling.
I did talk to my boss and he was very understanding. I stepped back from some supervisor duties to give myself some breathing room and time to focus on my work. (when you're stressing over personal issues, people coming at you left and right is too hard to deal with)
Everyone needs special considerations at some point in their life. Most employers recognize this as they too have had their share no doubt.
I am there too and understand. I'm glad that I'm not alone! When my first DDay happened I would sweat a lot and get very anxious and was afraid co-workers could see it on my face. I've tried to check SI only on lunch breaks but am so hurt that it is hard not to come back more. I get so much help here.
So sorry to hear you are in pain. *hugs*
Our D-Day was last August, right before classes started. I love my work, and usually inject a good bit of enthusiasm into it, but for this whole past academic year, I have been not performing up to snuff. I've been doing what's necessary, but no more. I know it's depression. Truly, I am embarrassed about my performance. (Student evaluations were good, though. But what do they know? They should have gotten more from me.)
I even claimed illness to avoid attending the honors society ceremony for our dept.'s outstanding students--some of whom were in my majors' class. I just didn't want to face my chair, who has always had a high opinion of me. I knew that I did not merit such an opinion. At least, not this year.
And this is with a remorseful FWH who has been consistently making me feel loved (trying at first, then succeeding) and who has been consistently building trust. I can't imagine what I'd be like if he were not remorseful, transparent, and committed to R.
This year, I think I will be able to function well again. I hope so.
I hope that we all will be able to heal enough to get back on track soon.
I think we need a group hug!
(((((( all of us ))))))
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
I feel guilty toward my children too. I can't even focus to truly "listen" to them. I felt I was making progress when I wasn't thinking about the A every second - only every other second!!!!
It does get better a tiny tiny bit at a time. Better when R seems to be going well. Totally regress whenever the rollercoaster takes a plunge down.
It helps to know there are others out there going through the same crazy stuff. I just found this website a few days ago and have been consumed with reading. It brings me to a calmer place.
Just keep doing the best you can and be kind to yourself. Look for the smallest of successes or improvements.