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Worst day yet

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ArableSands posted 8/1/2013 12:15 PM

DDay nearly 4 weeks ago to the day. This morning was the worst yet. Some reflection reveals that it's extra horrible because after nearly a month you'd think a big piece of the pain would be gone. It's not -- I felt more pain this morning than I did on DDay or any day since. So the pain is compounded by the horrible fear that despite the last 4 weeks, I've made no progress. Will I never get better?

damaged71 posted 8/1/2013 12:23 PM

You will get better but it's going to be a while. Sounds like you are a pretty good guy. Because of that you will be concerned with the WW's needs. Don't.. I made that mistake.

It's time to detach and think about you for a while. As I said in the other post if you need something to take the edge off go see the doc.

You referenced the pain in the other thread. I am a veteran and one of the things that happened to me after was flinching at loud noises. I never really did that before.
This experience effected me at the very core of my being. It's going to affect you to.

You said you were in some corporate position. I am to and have to interact with a bunch of people. Tell your boss. He's gotta know... You are going to be worthless for a while. Sorry but you won't be able to think of anything else for a bit.

When I informed my wife that she had potentially damaged my career as well as everything else she seemed surprised. That's how it goes the fallout from this doesn't have boundaries.

Although you don't think you will, I promise you will get through this.

Reality posted 8/1/2013 12:26 PM

I'm so sorry, Arable. The brain is an amazing machine. We have defense mechanisms that step in and help dull pain and dull how much we remember of it. The problem is everyone's threshold is different. Good news? YES, it will get better. I wish I could give you a date and time.

I know how you feel. All of us here do - that full body immersive pain that is beyond trying to describe. I'm so sorry you're there.

Best idea? Distract yourself for a bit. I know that sounds trite, but read something that interests you. Take a short walk. Make yourself look at something beautiful. It helps with perspective: you haven't always been in this pain, you won't always be in this pain: there are beautiful things.

My favorite is watching the way wind and light move through trees. I have deliberately looked outside to see it even when I can barely see anything through sobbing. Find some zen. It helps.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 12:37 PM

You will go down before you go up. Unfortunately everyone's lowest down point is at a different place.

You still are near the beginning of your journey and, from what you have said in past posts, not only are you dealing with the A but you are also trying to overcome your own personal anger issues. Those are two very huge items and your pain comes from both. Please try to cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. After all, you are trying ever so hard to get beyond both.

4 weeks out from Dday in my world was my 50th birthday. My H had bought us a 4 day trip to NYC for my 50th, yes he was still in the A at the time he bought it, and you can imagine I was hopeful that the trip might help us have a few free days from all the hurt. BOY WAS I WRONG. Not only was just sitting in the airport watching business men use their cell phones a huge trigger, but traveling and being on a plane brought the true vehicle of my H's A so sharply into focus I almost left him in the airport. I had a panic attack, I had many in those first weeks, a really big one and I wasn't sure I was even going to be able to get on the plane.

That 4 days in NYC turned out to be my worst nightmare. Everything we did and saw produced triggers. The incredible play Wicked brought my new reality into complete focus as I watched my life come to life in front of me on stage. I ran sobbing from the theater and my poor H was left chasing me through time square with me screaming at him that I will never be the same, that everything I saw and felt brought me to panic and tears. That was honestly the lowest worst point of my journey. I felt like a completely broken, completely out of control mess. I never knew how anything was going to affect me anymore and I was so damn tired of finding out the hard way.

On the plane ride home the tears started streaming down my face and they never stopped. My husband was beside himself with fear that I was never going to smile again and he that he was the cause of it. I hadn't done anything wrong to deserve this. I texted my MC/IC from our layover and set up an appointment with him for the following morning. I knew right there and then that I needed more help then I was getting. He and I decided the next morning that I should, for my own health and safety, visit my family doctor and discuss Anti-D meds. I was beyond rising above this myself and I knew it. I went to the docs that afternoon and have never looked back. The drugs helped me over the worst of the pain, sorrow and emptiness. Now 11 months out I smile, honestly smile. I was able, through the help of the medication, to give my hubby a fair shot at R and at showing me his willingness to fix what he had broken. Before the meds I had felt all his actions were bogus. Leveling out my own instability was a gift to both of us. I am unwilling to go off of them until I know for certain, 100%, we will be ok. We aren't there yet but we are well on our way.

I shared this in hopes that it helps you to know we have all been where you are. Each of us have taken a different path to where we are now. Hopefully something in this post brings you comfort and possible a new direction. If not, just know that I care enough to worry.


[This message edited by TxsT at 12:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

ArableSands posted 8/1/2013 12:46 PM

TxsT, that does help, SO much, you have no idea. That you could hit bottom only 4 weeks out gives me hope. I don't expect that for me, I am sure I have further down to go, but knowing that you're okay after all that ("okay" is NOT "good", I'd like to clarify) by month 11 is a real boost for me.

I do have my own issues, particularly control issues, after all of the tragedy and trauma my family has been through the last 7 years. I get so scared that my only response is to control, control, control, and the person I control the most is my wife. What a ridiculous thing to do.

I know what she did was much worse, mind you. She could've just exited this marriage. I still have a lot of anger to process.

Thank you, damaged, Reality and TxsT.

[This message edited by ArableSands at 12:47 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 12:56 PM

Like I said, everyone has a different path they will follow. I was fortunate to have a hubby who's A had run it course and was in its dying days when our Dday occurred. He was instantly, and may I add in the proper place in his journey, to know that he was so very wrong and, in the very least, he had to fix it as best as possible. We did not know from the outset if we could remain together. I learned very early on in the process that it didn't really matter what I wanted to happen. There are two people in the process and both have to want it for it to work. What we did know back then was only that we hurt, he caused it and we needed each other to figure out how to make it better.

I am glad my words helped you. Please try and have a bright spot, no matter how small, today. I love Reality's comment about the sun and the trees. I too just sit and stare at nature when the hurt gets too bad.


Odek posted 8/1/2013 15:02 PM

You are already going through such a hard ordeal, and for that, I am really sorry. But you should try not to let this damage your career in addition to everything else!

I'm only about 32 hours post DDay myself, but found work (also corporate) to be a decent distraction so far. That said, I told my boss, and the first thing he did was offer time off.

Things will get better eventually, but try not to rush the healing process. The faster you hope to progress, the slower it will feel. But we are all here to lend support

ArableSands posted 8/1/2013 15:34 PM


You are 32 HOURS out from DDay?!

How on earth are you able to even TYPE?

For the first 3-4 days after DDay I could barely BREATHE.

Odek posted 8/1/2013 15:55 PM

Deep breathes and trying to stay in control during the angry flashes as opposed to the teary ones...

In all honesty, as hard as I'm finding it so far, I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

solus sto posted 8/1/2013 16:40 PM

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but almost no one makes real progress in the first month.

That you are upright, able to type a coherent sentence, and thinking remarkably rationally tells me that you ARE making huge progress.

But I really think that you need to brace yourself. Things often get far, far worse before they get better.

That does NOT mean progress is not made. Sometimes, the process of making progress is extraordinarily painful.

Hang in there, AS---it DOES get better. It really does.

cocototo2 posted 8/2/2013 11:32 AM

Because I've been jumped on before, I would like to set a disclaimer, that this is my journey and I am proceeding in a way that I feel comfortable with through this nasty mess. If it does not fit your style, then that's fine, I'm just talking about what has been working for me.

I'm almost 4 weeks past DDay. I was about blind with anger and hurt when I found out (affair was for 7 months almost 3 years ago). I confronted WS almost immediately. I think his response was what has helped me along the most. He's been completely honest, even offering additional information I didn't know. He has sought out counseling on his own and has really taken an inner look and decided he needed to change. He talks to me about what he's doing. Some days I want to listen and hear, and some days I do not. For me, I talk to him ALOT about what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling. I talk about how I feel about the future and I ask him questions about the past. I told him up front that I was going to try not to be nasty, but this will be an emotional journey for me and he really needs to understand that and be okay with it. He's always been the one I talked to (even if it hasn't been totally mutual), so I wouldn't know where else to turn anyway. When I'm angry, I tell him and I tell him how much I hurt and how much I hate him for what he did. He doesn't come back at me with anything other than understanding. Sometimes he tries to say sorry, but I told him he's not allowed. He absolutely understands that his family is on the line. On the flip side, these conversations about my anger aren't all the time - we have lots of very level, but deep conversations.

I am a person of faith. I have been through struggles much more devastating than this (not at all to diminish the devastation an affair causes) and my faith has brought me out in a better place on the other side. I pray alot and I ask God to give me strength and to take the pain or anger or sadness. It works for me. It may not be everyone's solution, but it has really helped me to level my feelings.

Because WS has sought council and because we are talking openly, I'm making ALOT of discoveries that I wouldn't necessarily make so soon otherwise. For example, one of the things that WS has done since before we were even married (I just learned about it after D-Day) was to give his 'woe as me' conversations to other women for validation/vindication of him being right. This is the exact behavior that eventually led to his affair. When we first met, we had a great connection and we talked about EVERYTHING and we communicated really well. As our relationship moved on, we stopped being able to communicate because every conversation was him getting really defensive and me feeling like the wicked shrew by the time it was all said and done. This was totally because he had these other women, who only heard his side of our relationship, telling him how wonderful he was and how wrong I was. Our conversations had no chance. It was really helpful to me to realize, this morning why we stopped being able to communicate. That lack of communication is the major downfall in our marriage.

Another thing about his affair that really hurt me was his notes back and forth with the OW. They could have really been copies of what we wrote when our relationship started. However, this am, I realized that I'm the only relationship he's really ever had that hasn't started by this need for vindication. We became friends while we were both with other people, but our relationship grew because we were good for each other. He was recently divorced and dating someone I knew. The person he was dating was just all over his ex (she's no mean and nasty and he's so right - vindication for him). I always encouraged him to bury the hatchet and move on without anger. When you have feelings for someone else (even anger), you have feelings for them. At one time, they loved each other enough to date for 9 years and then marry, so she can't be all bad.

My worst pain came last week. We were on vacation with our family and he mentioned something that just hit me in the gut with 'He had sex with another women'. I was completely ticked at him for the rest of the trip. I just wanted him to disappear and I did not want him to talk to me or be near me. When we got back, I took a deep breath and explained where I was. It was , by far, the most hurt I had felt up to this point. I explained that I wasn't sure I could stay and keep having these triggers. That was Saturday .... today, I made 2 positive discoveries and I see a step forward. I think it's a ridiculously long journey.

kiki1 posted 8/2/2013 11:36 AM


I am so sorry for your pain. i can feel it in many of your posts.

I'm afraid the pain will be with you for a while yet. You have suffered a terrible trauma.

Its best to accept the fact you'll feel it and just process it as it comes. It will start to lessen.

I promise you.

whattheh posted 8/2/2013 12:01 PM

It does get better. It's been just over six months. One of the hardest things has been how unstable I've felt (the roller coast effect).

I've read somewhere that there are 6 stages we go thru. Denial, Shock, Anger, Rage, Acceptance, Forgiveness.

I'm still feeling rage and have been working on acceptance for quite awhile. I'm much calmer now and recover from my rage episodes much better and my fWH has learned to cope better.

But yesterday I had a breakthru and told my husband that I forgive him. I've told him from the gitgo I didn't want to fake forgive so I' ve been careful to make sure it was real. And I now repeat my forgiveness when he tells me he's sorry and if I become upset when thinking about what he's done.

I'm only telling you this to give you hope. Things will improve even though they will be different.

Taking it one day at a time and telling myself things will get better were 2 things I did. At one month you may still be in survival mode.

At work I started walking twice a day. The physical activity helped clear my brain and gave me a little relief.

[This message edited by whattheh at 12:06 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

heforgotme posted 8/4/2013 17:24 PM

Yes, you will. It just takes way longer than we want it to.

If you are eating and sleeping at this point you are doing well.

Hang in there...

Arnold01 posted 8/5/2013 11:11 AM

I'm not much further along than you - 6 weeks since D-Day tomorrow - so all I can say is that in my case, it slowly has gotten better.

Having said that, we had a huge setback this past weekend when WH shared with me that he had broken NC. I was surprised to realize I felt more devastated by this news than I did in finding out about the affair. I'd suspected the affair, and finding proof actually made me relieved. This recent news hit me out of the blue, so the total shock combined with the fact that his actions fly in the face of all of the conversations and therapy we've had was incredibly damaging to me. And, this coming on top of two weeks that were really positive and headed in the right direction.

The net-out of all of this is that there have been big ups and big downs. I'm trying not to let the good moments get me too optimistic or the bad moments get me too down as they will pass. Being more even keel has helped me, and the more I let myself allow the feelings (good and bad) to come and go without getting too wrapped up in them, the better.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and please don't lose hope that it will get better. It will...with time.

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