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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: Need some help
hurtininHouston
♂ 39250
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some help in this reconciliation. I am four months out. my wife had a five-month texting affair and spent one night with the man. She's very remorseful and working hard. And basically doing all the right things. We have had several good weekend together. And for the most part get along well. We have been married 14 yrs. two kids and a lifetime of memories. I love her very much. I am just having a hard time not thinking about what she did. I want to forgive, but it seems so hard. I try & look at it as i have made mistakes & she made a Major mistake. Sometimes it helps looking at it that way other times I just can't stop thinking about them. I guess I'm having a hard time excepting it and/or starting to forgive. But I want to. She says after the night they spent she felt dirty and uncomfortable. Sometimes I believe that other times my mind movies take over and is just a night of passion between them. She and I have always had beautiful lovemaking And I know in my heart their night was never as good as our worst night. She says he stayed up smoking dope and in the middle of it went limp. Again sometimes I believe that sometimes I don't. The question is will I ever get over this.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
H

Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting....you are on the right path and I feel there is positive tones in your post. But what I also see through my heart is that you guys need to dig deeper. Your mind will take this to even nastier depths until you both join together and find out exactly what wasn`t working in your marriage. You may be very surprised at what surfaces in those discussions. You can`t move on 100% until you have done this because your mind is not going to let you off the hook so easily.

I also recommend that you two seek out a professional. Go to Marriage Counselling (MC) and, if needed Individual Counselling (IC). A good MC will provide you and your wife a neutral space and a neutral point of view to help you have some of the tough discussions I know you will need to have.

You seem to be doing everything well. Just don`t be fooled ok. The real issues, those that set up the scene where your wife felt it necessary to outside of your marriage, are still there waiting to be dealt with. Until that happens they remain issues that might allow your wife, or even you to do this again.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Schilling
♀ 39774
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure "getting over it" would be the term I'd use.

But moving forward with your life as a couple and becoming stronger together is possible, with the right amount of effort.

4 months isn't as long as it might sound. You are still healing that open gash in your soul. It will take a while for it to heal up.

"Mind Movies" are normal, I have OCD and I often obsess over them, not just about his affairs either, just general life stuff. What my IC has taught me to do is force the Mind Movies away, focus on something else. Accept that they are there, but to not allow them to take control and it does help me a lot.

I usually sing in my head as a distraction. I like to recite the alphabet lol because it's something I can do without REALLY thinking.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Topic Posts: 3

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