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Ok, so I'm a week in now. MC starts tonight. Tues night wasn't good. My cheap shot filter broke.

I know everyone says "screw them, they deserve everything they get". I know this, but the fact is, I do love my wife. I understand we're both in our own version of hell for different reasons and adding pain on either side isn't going to help a thing.

Does anyone have any tips?

I get what you're saying. It's a big thing to realize that the cheap shots don't help either one of you (assuming she is stepping up and being remorseful). I didn't have this realization/frame of mind until lots later after dday.

Don't beat yourself up for the cheap shot. It happens. At this point having any control over your emotions, or verbal rage is a feat in of itself.

I had to make a conscious effort (with the help of MC/IC) to hold my tongue when I felt it coming on. I was brutal in the beginning. Brutal. While everything I said was true, justified and deserved, it wasn't productive.

Learning to communicate effectively and in a healthy way is key to reconciling. In saying that though, you should never suppress your feelings, but find a healthy way to express them.

If you feel badly for what you said, or how you said it, then apologize. Not for the reasons you have for saying it, but for the way you expressed it.

How did she react to this? Was she defensive? humbled? shamed? accepting? reactive in the same way?

This is a great thing to bring up in MC!

I could use one of those filters myself. I love what Unfound wrote, thank you.

Her reaction was not deflective, more reflective and caused her to go in to her own break-down. She knows she fucked up big time, it shows. We knew we were lost and now it's come to light.

I do feel bad about taking a cheap shot. Throughout all this pain she's inflicted on me, she's still the one I love and it kills me to intentionally hurt her like I did. That being said, I'm also tired of apologizing (to myself, for my role in the marital issues leading up to this).

I simply sent her a text-
"My emotions got the best of me and let me take cheap shots. It doesn't help and hurts us both. We both have our horrors and demons to deal with right now."

She knows how much I'm hurting, but I also understand how much she is. We both have to heal to make this work. Last night was better. Hopefully tonight will be ok too.

Editor's note- I've got to stop posting in just this forum, I realized too later there are better suited topic areas-

One of my favorite sayings, often repeated here, is

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

The anger is real, and needs to be expressed and processed. You will figure out how to do that in a constructive manner. We BSs are only human. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time.

I am the type of person who enjoys taking cheap shots whenever given the opportunity. I have to literally bite my tongue sometimes, and it's hard.

I usually try to give him warning. "Hey, I'm in a bad mood today, don't set me up because I'm not above cheap shots tonight. I think you should take me out to dinner and tell me how pretty I look."

When you are feeling the "cheap shot" mood come on...be honest and upfront! Tell her that it might happen, apologize in advance, talk to her about WHY you are in this kind of a mood, and tell her what you need from her (if anything) to make you feel better.

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

^^THIS.

It's like dealing with a child who has stolen a candy bar.

There is a world of difference between these 2 statements:]
"I'm disappointed in you. Stealing a candy bar is a display of very bad behavior and it's not what I expected of you." AND
"Omg. You stole a candy bar. You are a thief and a terrible person."

SuperDad, over in the mens thread, look for wal. He has many eloquent posts about this particular part of the journey.
I'll buy you a beer.

i am in the obsessive mode.. help????

You can start your own thread in General if you'd like dargirl.
You will be able to get more responses.