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mcmc posted 8/1/2013 14:11 PM

Last night, I found that Eddie Murphy RAW was on netflix and rented it for something fun for us to watch.
Had no recollection of the ongoing bit about cheating men.
DH and I both got very quiet.
I know he feels terrible and I know I feel crappy when reminded. Things are so good, I rarely think about things but then this happened and we didn't address it and I am not sure if I wish he had said something (like what could he have said???) or if I just want to forget it.
I feel like this was a big stumbling block in an otherwise great reconciliation.

unfound posted 8/1/2013 14:21 PM

This is a good opportunity to talk about random triggers that can (and will) pop up. Being on the same page as to what you need and what you both can do to acknowledge the elephant in the room together. Even if it's a certain look, touch or simple phrase or full on discussion that reassures the other that it bothers you and either of your feelings are not being ignored.

Sure, it made you triggery and him feel like crap. You both can make this a positive by figuring otu the tools you both can use to come together on this.

It gets easier the more you do it, AND, bonus, makes needing to talk about it less and less .

LosferWords posted 8/1/2013 14:47 PM

Ugh. I completely forgot about that part of RAW. Thanks for the heads up.

In our case, it's a mixed bag when it comes to triggers like these. The triggers don't hit as hard as they used to, but they're still there. We had an old episode of "King of the Hill" on last night in the background, and John Redcorn said to Gribble, "I'd be more than happy to look after your wife.", with a little smirk on his face. We didn't talk about it, but the trigger was still acknowledged. My wife let out a "Psssh... GREAT", I let out a sarcastic "lovely", and that was it.

Sometimes just acknowledging the trigger is enough.

If the trigger is really bad, then I would say talking about it is the best way to work through it.

It'll get better.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 14:55 PM

I agree with unfound....use this in a positive way. He knows what you were feeling and you have typed out what you know he was feeling above. Even though it is after the fact have the conversation about the trigger. it is obviously still bothering you and for that reason alone it should be addressed. Your husband will feel awkward but he also felt that way when it happened too. He may have wanted to say something but was afraid to say anything for fear it would upset your further.

Approach your H openly and honestly and maybe start the conversation by saying hey, did you feel as awkward as I did last night during the movie? It made me fell like........ You will not regret this, it will be a doorway to further conversations about other triggers.

When the triggers got so ugly and I finally figured out it was my own sick, twisted mind taking me down those dark paths, finally opened up to my H over something very similar. It was our favorite TV show CSI and the topic was a dead wife of a hubby who had cheated. Talk about reality check. When I was still thinking about it days later, and after some very bad nightmares of OW coming and killing me over and over again, I spoke up. My H had no way of knowing how badly I had been affected and was very thankful I said something. He admitted to feeling horrible as well. Now when something on TV or a movie does that to us we both hug each other and either turn off the TV or snuggle closer knowing we are together and supporting on another through this hell.


[This message edited by TxsT at 3:36 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

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