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kroma posted 8/1/2013 14:24 PM

I've been married to my best friend for 16 years. We have 2 children 13 and 11. We had it seemed. She worshiped the ground I walked on. As I did her. But then for many reasons of which I've come to learn through Therapy the unspeakable happened. About a year ago I began an affair with a woman half my age and it lasted 3 months. After D-day I ended up in the Hospital with a breakdown from losing my family. After going through an intense 2 week therapy program I was released and to this day I still go to therapy every week. Around x-mas time my wife and I tried R and I moved back in the house. I have changed who I am for the better and has done everything I said I would do as far as being a good husband, father, and friend. Now 6 months later she is still angry and hasn't been able to forgive and she's asking me to move out and give her space. She's admitted that I have been great it's just that she can't seem to get the affair memories out of her head and she doesn't know what to do. She goes to Therapy evry week as well but can't seem to stop the anger. The thought of being separated is breaking my heart. Then I found this web site. I have read the healing library. These articles are very powerful and gives me hope that what I'm doing as the WS is correct. That I'm on the right track. We started going to MC last week and it was great. Therapist gave us some homework which we're following to a T.
This process has only been 10 months but days like today I feel helpless. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach of losing my wife. Same feeling I had on D-day and thereafter.
I know this will take Time, Love, and Patience and I'm learning so much from the articles. Still it's hard...........Any responses good or bad would be appreciated. Feel like I need someone to talk to.....

LosferWords posted 8/1/2013 15:12 PM

Hello, and welcome, kroma. Sounds like you have already made good use of the Healing Library.

From what you are saying, you seem to be doing everything right. Has your wife been able to communicate her needs to you?

One thing that gets reiterated a lot out here is to "let go of the outcome". The anger phases are hard to go through, and the thought of divorce and/or separation is horrifying. Despite that, continue to do the work to make yourself a safe and authentic person, regardless of how things turn out.

Keep reading and posting here. This is a great place to discuss and get feedback. I'm glad you found us.

Aubrie posted 8/1/2013 16:39 PM

Hi kroma.

You're a year into this. That's still pretty early. Shoot, I'm almost 2 years out and my husband has found an anger streak in the past couple months. It's scary stuff to be sure, but I know it's all part of it.

Losfer made a good point. Let go of the outcome. It's haaaard to do that. It took me a while to let go. To accept that my crappy actions have consequences. And it just might come down to separating/divorce. Who knows. But I can't hold onto the outcome. If we stay together, I will be supremely happy. If he walks out the door tomorrow, I know that it's because of my actions. It will devastate me to be sure. But I know that because of the work that I've done, I will be ok. I am healthier, stronger, and better than I was yesterday.

Anyway, know that you've been heard.

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