Topic: Sexual Attraction
Member # 19234
| Posted: 3:07 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
My ws has been doing a lot of things right after dd 2. I now feel he has true remorse.
At first we had some hysterical bonding going on. Then he developed a fear of stds and giving me one. He sees numerous doctors and has tested negative for everything. We have had no sexual contact in two months. In mc today wh said that after August 15 he will feel ok to resume a sexual relationship with me if it is negative. He figured that out to be 4 months after being with ow.
I have lost 20 pounds since Dday and he says he is more attracted to me. But I am really feeling strange about resuming a sex life. Partly I feel rejected, humiliated, angry, triggery etc. Also he says he's working on attraction issues and he's getting there. It is also painful because I want him to say he finds me sexier etc than ow. But he remains quiet and its clear he does not want to lie. I guess the truth hurts.
Obviously I know I can postpone our sex life until I'm ready but I think it needs to start again. I have known my wh since I was14 and I am 44 now. In thirty years I never thought I would feel so almost shy to be with him again.
Any thoughts or experiences to help me work through this?
Posts: 324 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 39102
| Posted: 4:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
I really don't have any advice but wanted to tell you I understand what you mean by feeling shy in front of your husband. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and we are now 49. I have never been with another man. We have not resumed an intimate relationship yet but I know I will feel the same way. In my case I think it's because the other woman was 20 years younger, skinner, and in my eyes prettier, I'm afraid of comparison. Plan on addressing this in MC
Wish you luck and I understand!
2 children 24 and 23
Together 33 years divorced one year
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce
Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Member # 39380
| Posted: 6:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
I had HB with my fWH so I cant give any credible advice but I think you should go at your own pace, 100% your decision. I didn't feel shy but the OW was a far cry from being competition. Not my Hs type, he is physically way out of her league and nothing for me to feel jealous about. I wish my H would show her a pic of me... You know, just to rub it in!
Im sure your far more attractive and beautiful than the OW, both physically and obviously mentally! Good luck
[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 6:21 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]
BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Member # 39667
| Posted: 6:36 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
Hopefully, both you and he realize that the OW was just part of a fantasy/secret life. Sure, she might be attractive but she doesn't have to live with him, chase after kids and work all day, etc. You are who you are.
My SAWH's OW is 30 kind of looks like a porn star and he has alluded to the fact that this was part of his attraction to her (which demonstrates that porn addiction can escalate into an Affair). One of my friends put it eloquently: She looks like she's been ridden hard and put away wet. Heavy makeup, loves male attention, loves the night club scene and hangs out with all sorts of people who do, too. Yeah...that is not going to hold up too well in the long run.
BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 19234
| Posted: 9:17 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
It's strange because I think I found a picture of her when I googled her name. She did not look attractive to me. However I am pretty sure wh found her attractive. The fact that wh has not come out and reassured me that I am more attractive to him is enough for me to know he doesn't think I am.
I do think I am fairly attractive. Pretty enough, so to speak. I don't know how I will ever feel like he thinks I am attractive again. That really bothers me.
Posts: 324 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 36519
| Posted: 9:52 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
Well, R is all about communication. So... Talk to him. It may well be that something else entirely is going on. And... Did he ever talk about how attractive you are? Maybe he doesn't understand that you NEED this reassurance. Maybe he's not used to giving compliments?
BS (me): 51
Married: 27 yrs
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
Posts: 1064 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 40060
| Posted: 10:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
I so know how you feel. My WH says he's not physically attracted to me. He will have sex with me but outside of that there is no touchy/feely stuff going on outside the bedroom. I mean he may kiss me good bye but that is rare.
I gained 80lbs when I got pregnant,our child is 4 and I've lost 17lbs so far.
He has stated that w/out that physicall attraction he doesn't think we can work it out.
I started losing weight and exercising about 2mo before D-Day which was 2wks this Sunday.
I found pic of her and well, she looked like a monkey, sure she maybe the right weight, but def not pretty which really pisses me off. At least it could have been someone pretty. I'd probably be ok (not ok, but you know what I mean)with that.
We have had major HB since and well before D-Day we were hot n heavy for about 2-3 months.
I have decided that I am ok with myself, I need to keep my self esteem up, I've always had low self esteem.
This is quite new to me. I'm not going to let his views about my weight stop me from feeling good about myself as a whole person.
I hope you can work through your struggles. hugs to you.
Rediscovering me...empowering me...loving me...it's all about me now!!!
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker
Posts: 258 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
Member # 19234
| Posted: 10:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
Wh has said outright after Dday 2 that he had not been attracted to me in a long time. Now that I have lost some weight he is complimenting me more. He says he is more attracted to me. But then the silence. What it feels like is that he is more attracted to me then he was. Before if it was a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 I have moved up to a 3. He did not say that but that is the impression I get.
Posts: 324 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 39996
| Posted: 10:35 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
I have learned that looks has nothing to do with it most of the time. It is what they offer them that isn't present in your current marriage that attracts them.
My RH OW was not bad looking but her personality was so horrible it amazed me. She was hated at work, condisending, basically not the person you would ever want to work with. She unfortunately hid that side of her from him but the writing is on the wall now. She is a narcassisitc, controling, manipulative snake and the things she has tried to pull since Dday are enough to make my hubby can't beilive he was ever attracted to her.
It is amazing how rosey an A looks like when nothing is ever wrong!!!
Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 25144
| Posted: 10:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
Sometimes I feel shy when I imagine OW. WH was never physical with her, but she was 15 years younger than I, and still has a youthfulness about her. I feel like the A has aged me even more.
I'm glad your H is feeling remorse, and is looking out for your health by waiting to make sure he is STD free.
I lost 20 lbs too post Dday, and it made me feel better that H liked it. I liked my body better thinner too.
I understand your wanting to hear him say you are sexier than OW. But wouldn't you rather he look at you and just think of you, rather than comparing you to her?
I went to the tanning salon several times, and that made me feel better. I also bought a couple of new, sexy outfits with matching shoes that I wore when he took me on a date. They were sexier than I normally would wear. He liked how I looked in them, and that boosted my confidence too.
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 39906
| Posted: 5:23 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013|
In the past, I have struggled with feeling sexually attracted to my husband. He gained almost 80 lbs. I would never say that to him though. I think that would be cruel. He knows he gained weight and he was very unhappy with his appearance. It bothered him a lot. I tried to encourage him to eat healthier but that's it. I actually felt a lot of guilt for not being attracted to him because of the weight gain. My heart hurts for you. I can only imagine what that feels like. Regardless of weight, I've always shown him affection because I love him. I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. It was more of a turn off that I knew how much his weight gain bothered him and yet he wasn't putting in any effort to change that. He's down 22 lbs and while he has a ways to go still, I can see how much better he likes himself now and that in itself is a turn on for me.
Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 35789
| Posted: 5:58 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013|
The person my husband had the affair with was gorgeous and younger than any of our kids!
She was 24 - I was 49 and my husband was 57! It hurt me horribly to think of him being intimate with her and then comparing my body to hers when he was intimate with me!
I always had confidence and high self esteem ... well, he sure destroyed that for me! I am working hard on restoring what he has taken away... but it's still one of the hardest things I've ever done!
Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: one of the southern states
Member # 39734
| Posted: 8:06 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013|
My DH's OW is fugly. Before the A we use to comment on her. How she doesn't even try to make herself attractive. She has no teeth, grey hair, wears clothes that literally look like she pulled them out of a goodwill donation box and she has a lot of cats and always smelled like cat urine. She has an anniying voice. She is also skinny. I could stand to lose a few pounds, not a lot but a few. I spent my youth as a dancer. I have big thighs that no matter what I do aren't going anywhere. I work out all the time and the only thing that happens is I am toned. But unless you touch me and feel the muscle it is hard to tell the difference. While she has a more boyish figure. From her neck to her toes she is straight down, not one curve. I flat out asked my DH one night about her body compared to mine. At first he dismissed it. Then I drew him a picture of what I thought she looked like naked and what I think I look like naked. He sat there and told me inch by inch how much better my body is than hers. Even down to the fact that she has practically no nipples. He is a boob and nipple guy so that was a big turn off, obviously not enough to keep him away for 2 yrs though. He also said that she was unable to have an O, while I am a multiple O person. I am so glad I thought to draw that picture. It really helped us. He was able to see the picture I had in my head and help me deal with my feeling that he enjoyed her body more. And now I know he LOVES my curves. Now when I see her I picture a young boy with no nipples...it helps. Kind of like public speaking and picturing the audience naked.
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!
Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
|Topic Posts: 13|