At first we had some hysterical bonding going on. Then he developed a fear of stds and giving me one. He sees numerous doctors and has tested negative for everything. We have had no sexual contact in two months. In mc today wh said that after August 15 he will feel ok to resume a sexual relationship with me if it is negative. He figured that out to be 4 months after being with ow.
I have lost 20 pounds since Dday and he says he is more attracted to me. But I am really feeling strange about resuming a sex life. Partly I feel rejected, humiliated, angry, triggery etc. Also he says he's working on attraction issues and he's getting there. It is also painful because I want him to say he finds me sexier etc than ow. But he remains quiet and its clear he does not want to lie. I guess the truth hurts.
Obviously I know I can postpone our sex life until I'm ready but I think it needs to start again. I have known my wh since I was14 and I am 44 now. In thirty years I never thought I would feel so almost shy to be with him again.
Any thoughts or experiences to help me work through this?
[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 6:21 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]
My SAWH's OW is 30 kind of looks like a porn star and he has alluded to the fact that this was part of his attraction to her (which demonstrates that porn addiction can escalate into an Affair). One of my friends put it eloquently: She looks like she's been ridden hard and put away wet. Heavy makeup, loves male attention, loves the night club scene and hangs out with all sorts of people who do, too. Yeah...that is not going to hold up too well in the long run.
I do think I am fairly attractive. Pretty enough, so to speak. I don't know how I will ever feel like he thinks I am attractive again. That really bothers me.
My RH OW was not bad looking but her personality was so horrible it amazed me. She was hated at work, condisending, basically not the person you would ever want to work with. She unfortunately hid that side of her from him but the writing is on the wall now. She is a narcassisitc, controling, manipulative snake and the things she has tried to pull since Dday are enough to make my hubby can't beilive he was ever attracted to her.
It is amazing how rosey an A looks like when nothing is ever wrong!!!
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I'm glad your H is feeling remorse, and is looking out for your health by waiting to make sure he is STD free.
I lost 20 lbs too post Dday, and it made me feel better that H liked it. I liked my body better thinner too.
I understand your wanting to hear him say you are sexier than OW. But wouldn't you rather he look at you and just think of you, rather than comparing you to her?
I went to the tanning salon several times, and that made me feel better. I also bought a couple of new, sexy outfits with matching shoes that I wore when he took me on a date. They were sexier than I normally would wear. He liked how I looked in them, and that boosted my confidence too.
In the past, I have struggled with feeling sexually attracted to my husband. He gained almost 80 lbs. I would never say that to him though. I think that would be cruel. He knows he gained weight and he was very unhappy with his appearance. It bothered him a lot. I tried to encourage him to eat healthier but that's it. I actually felt a lot of guilt for not being attracted to him because of the weight gain. My heart hurts for you. I can only imagine what that feels like. Regardless of weight, I've always shown him affection because I love him. I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. It was more of a turn off that I knew how much his weight gain bothered him and yet he wasn't putting in any effort to change that. He's down 22 lbs and while he has a ways to go still, I can see how much better he likes himself now and that in itself is a turn on for me.
She was 24 - I was 49 and my husband was 57! It hurt me horribly to think of him being intimate with her and then comparing my body to hers when he was intimate with me!
I always had confidence and high self esteem ... well, he sure destroyed that for me! I am working hard on restoring what he has taken away... but it's still one of the hardest things I've ever done!