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Affairs like mine...

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sorryww posted 8/1/2013 15:23 PM

I guess I'll start from the beginning. On a business trip to NY I met a co worker who became a close friend. We would talk about once a month, outside of work and had one lunch over 9 months.

During this time my BH and I were really struggling. He could be verbally abusive and we would often ignore each other.

I needed someone to talk to and my AP was there for support. We began to talk more and more, chatting on fb a few times a week.

At one point, we were complaining about our lives and he suggested we get away (we never talked about sex then or anytime before, it was mostly home and work talk).

I told my BH that I needed to go to NY for work and spun a similar story for his wife. We didnt even talk any until the next week when he arrived ( it's hard for my BH to believe we put so little thought into it). I honestly thought we were going away as friends.

We headed to a beach and got a hotel room. We went for a walk and eventually back to the room. I was surprised when he kissed me. I was feeling so bad about myself that I didn't stop it. Part of me was freaking out. He got undressed and removed some of my clothes(I wouldn't even take off my shirt). Obviously he had different plans and had brought condoms. We began to have sex, but I was freaking out and just laid there. It was so awkward. When he finished (I think), I went to the bathroom and cried.

We went out to dinner later and eventually back to the room. I didnt know what I had done. He began to kiss me again and it led to sex again. This time I freaked out worse and made him stop almost immediately. I cried again and we talked about what a mistake it was and how nothing like this would ever happen again.

We slept in separate beds and went home the next day. It was over before my BH found out, which he did on his own the following week, by it noticing a call to the hotel when I was supposed away on business.

The last three years have been a struggle. Up and down, he has forgiven me for the emotional side, but not the physical. He doesnt believe that I didn't plan to sleep with him or that I didn't enjoy. He reads all these stories about affair sex being this exciting event due to the nature of the relationship, but it wasn't like that for me. I can't explain how awkward it was, did anyone else have an experience like mine?

Aubrie posted 8/1/2013 16:31 PM

Your affair was 3 years ago? Have you been in IC? Has your husband? Did you tell your husband everything about your affair? Did you ever lie about any of it? I ask because many times, when we are being questioned by our BSs, we tend to hide or withhold details about the affair. Fear of repercussion, fear of our spouse leaving, terrified to voice just how bad it was, there's a million different reasons why we withhold info.

But withholding that info is like a death blow. Like, not only are we cheaters, but we're going to add insult to injury by lying to our spouses. I have seen more than 1 BS around here say that it wasn't that A so much as all the lying after the fact that actually kills the marriage.

So anyway, back on track.

How has communication with your husband been in the last 3 years?

sorryww posted 8/1/2013 20:21 PM

We did couples and IC for a year. I hesitated for a moment when he confronted me, but I told him everything. It was awful to have to admit, but even after three years, he'll ask questions that I have answered before.

We still argue over it and I know we always will. He's changed so much for the better, and it tears me apart to see him destroyed.

The sex question seems to be the big hangup. It was so awful and awkward but he won't accept that. He assumes the worst. It wasn't some passionate affair, it was a horrific mistake, that I took nothing from.

stilllovinghim posted 8/1/2013 23:43 PM

Maybe your H is having a hard time believing you because you're still blaming the AP by not taking full responsibility & not being totally honest. You got a hotel room and didn't think anything would happen? Sex was terrible but you went to dinner with him and back to the room thinking ya'll would be innocent? Reeeeaalllyy?

I'm not saying sex with AP is always great 'cause it isn't and I know thats a hard thing for a lot of BS's to understand. But, you went to dinner with him afterwards which is indicative of you wanting to still be with him, IMHO.

ETA: Stop calling it a mistake. It was a conscience CHOICE. Mistakes are spilling milk or forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 11:48 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

sorryww posted 8/2/2013 04:28 AM

I am takking full responsibility. However, I did not plan to have sex with him. I honestly thought we were going away as friends.

Prior to the trip, we never talked about things like that, it was always work or home life, no flirting in any way.

As for what happened after. I was 3 hours from home and supposed to be on a business trip. We went to dinner, but even the conversation was awkward. My head was a mess from what had happened.

I take full responsibility for what I did, I just want my BH to forgive me.

stilllovinghim posted 8/2/2013 09:43 AM

So who made the reservation, you or him? For one room. With one bed. Did you think he was going to sleep on the floor after you two just finished watching Nickelodeon and giving each other mani pedis? Come on! You're both adults in a secret relationship. Making plans together to be together.

Did you think there would be at least kissing? Snuggling?

Now I'm going to take this in another direction for a second. Why didn't you leave when you realized what his intentions were if you truly were innocent/niave? Why didn't you say no? Were you scared? Did the AP ask you if anything was wrong? Did he offer to stop?

Were you ever pressured as a kid to do things to other kids or adults or forced to watch these acts? In others words, was there ever any abuse / trauma growing up?
I'm asking these questions not in a sarcastic tone. I'm genuinely asking because there could be more to this.

Eta: Why is your Has forgiveness of you so important? What if he's never able to? Are you okay with that? How about your own forgiveness? What are your thoughts on that? What if this is a deal breaker for your H? What then?

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 9:47 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

sorryww posted 8/2/2013 12:17 PM

I booked the room, but it had two beds. We never discussed anything in a sexual manner.

I went along with it bc of how I felt about myself. I came to this forum for support, not condemnation. I enjoyed kissing him, but as it went further I realized what a mistake it was. When it happened again I stopped it right away and he didnt pressure me. We talked about how wrong it was and that it would never happen again.

As for my BH forgiveness, I'm just trying to get is to move forward. I see how bad he is hurting. If he doesn't forgive me, I'm afraid I'll lose him.

Please don't question what I was thinking. I didnt think something like that would happen. I though of it as an escape with a friend. I made a horrible run of decisions that has almost cost me my family.

stilllovinghim posted 8/2/2013 12:33 PM

So why book the room? Why out of town? Why even hide it or sneak if you didn't think anything would happen?
Why the need for external validation? Did you not have a girl friend or family member to talk to? If your H & M were so bad, why do you want to stay?
If you do loose your H, what then? What if your H forgives you but sees the betrayal as a deal breaker? What then?

You will get support here & you'll also get truth.

knightsbff posted 8/2/2013 13:17 PM


We help and support each other here. Part of the help is challenging each other to answer questions for ourselves. It's done in a spirit of caring.

It's important for you to look carefully at what you were thinking so you can see the faulty thought processes that qualified you for membership in this forum.

Working through these questions and really examining your thinking will be the beginning of healing for you. It may also help your BH to begin feeling safer with you as he sees you working on fixing yourself.

You betrayed yourself as well as your BH and that hurts. You have to heal that hurt and make yourself safe for your BH but more importantly, for you.

sorryww posted 8/2/2013 14:00 PM

I don't have many close friends, none really that I don't share with my husband after so long together. I booked it out of town, because I knew it was wrong. I see the bad decisions. I felt I couldn't talk to my husband and that was wrong. after he found out, all the years of verbal abuse came out. He saw what it did to me and worked hard to change.

As for AP, he was just someone to talk to. The worst choice of my life. It doesn't mean I planned a physical relationship.

stilllovinghim posted 8/2/2013 14:16 PM

Does your H believe his verbal abuse is what led you to your A? Do you believe that?

A lot of us here didn't plan a relationship, EA or PA, yet we find ourselves here. You're very set on wanting to put that point across. That you didn't plan it. Well, at some point you did. Not at first but eventually you did.

Why do you think that you didn't leave after the first physical encounter? The OM from your post didn't come across as a threat i.e. not violent or aggressive. I understand feeling weird and awkward and going along, etc. So why not leave right afterwards? Why stay?

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 2:20 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

sorryww posted 8/2/2013 14:39 PM

I know the verbal abuse was a major readon. i couldnt tell my bh how i felt. how many times can you get put down? I needed to talk to someone. I believe he thinks it would not have happened if he didnt say those things to me. I believe that too, as I have never had boundary issues. As for planning, I never planned the physical, it didnt cross my mind until he kissed me.

As for leaving, I didnt know what to do. My BH and kids thought I was away on business and I just saw out that lie.

I really don't care if people believe I planned to have an intimate relationship. My BH is all that matters.

stilllovinghim posted 8/2/2013 15:09 PM

So, you're saying you believe the reason why you decided to have an A was because of your relationship with your H? That you decided to have an A because you felt like you couldn't talk to your H, that his verbal assaults drove you into the arms of another?

Was therapy or counseling ever an option prior to the A? What about seperation or divorce? Are you two in counseling or therapy now?

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 3:10 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

atthedoor posted 8/2/2013 15:28 PM

I met up with a friend too, knew the guy for ten years, never anything sexual between us. I left my abusive husband (verbal) and went to "hang out" with my "friend". The rest you know because it is almost exactly what happend to you. tHat was over 5 years ago.
BH and I are still together, and he does not beleive what I have told him about what happened.
So the questions you are getting here form members are good ones, but I understand sometimes they do not apply toall situations. I had to dig deep as to why I chose to share my marriage problems with another man.

Aubrie posted 8/2/2013 16:26 PM

I'm trying to wrap my mind around this. You booked a hotel, out of town, for you and a man, and didn't think at all for one tiny second that things wouldn't go physical? Not in the least? There was never an inkling of a vibe?

Do you not see how that is completely unbelievable to someone outside of the situation?

The first thoughts that come to mind is 1. You are in total denial or 2. You are very nave. Doesn't mean either are true, but reading your initial post, I could see how your BH would feel the way he does.

People don't book hotel rooms with members of the opposite sex and not expect anything to happen. It's just not "logical". (If there is a such thing as logic in an affair)

So. What's the plan? Are you going to stay married and stay possibly stuck? Are either of you open to maybe more counseling? MC?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:27 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

sorryww posted 8/2/2013 17:14 PM

I was completely naive. We never talked about taking our friendship to another level, there was no flirting, never said I was pretty, we never talked about intimacy in our marriages.

It may be seem illogical to you, buts its completely illogical to me. I see why he thinks that. I'm not blind. I was such a fool. At so many points I should have better better decisions and I'm ashamed of it all.

stilllovinghim posted 8/2/2013 17:33 PM

Why didn't you book separate rooms? Were you THAT confident nothing would happen? What about privacy? Did that ever come to mind? I wouldn't want to share a room with someone and start my period or them witness me receiving the wrath of Montezuma after a bad meal. Did you think he would have given himself "earmuffs" if you had to go pee pee?

I mean, this is why its hard to buy. This is what your H is thinking plus more. There's too many holes in this story and you haven't really answered my questions.

I get you're trying to say you were niave and your H talked shit to you and your M sucked. Why did you not choose another option? Why not talk to a therapist or priest/rabbi/minister? Why take this route? I get you needed someone to talk to. Why that guy though? What other avenues of help did you explore before deciding to turn to another "man" for support?

In all of this, how do you now view yourself? Do you feel like you've betrayed yourself? Do you feel like you'll never do this again, if so, how do you know? What work are you doing to ensure it doesn't happen again?

Once again I'll ask, if this is a deal breaker for your H, what then?

sorryww posted 8/2/2013 19:36 PM

Of course I betrayed myself and my family. I lost their trust and have forever altered marriage. If it winds up being a deal breaker for my marriage, I will be devastated, as we worked so hard to heal. We have shared so much good, I hope we can overcome the bad.

I know it was stupid to go away with him, I can't explain how I thought it was a good idea or why it would have been okay to share a room. I was notthinking clearly and made a terrible choice.

I do know I never stopped loving my husband no matter what his faults,

stilllovinghim posted 8/2/2013 22:44 PM

Looking into why you made those choices is vital. Figuring out what you would do, after being devistated, if your H decides to D.

Something else you need to really look at is your role in all of this. You claim you take full responsibility, but so far I have only seen you blame your H. Its more comfortable to just say you were niave. Its more comfortable to say you don't know why and leave it at that or that you weren't thinking clearly. However, you need to step out of that comfort zone and be honest with yourself. Ask yourself why over and over.

As an example: I wanted to meet up with this person... Why? What did I think was going to happen? Why? Why did I not explore other avenues? Why did I not file for D or S? This person (the AP) made me feel ____. Why? Why did I feel I deserved/needed that? Etc.

When you get your answers, keep asking yourself "WHY". if you hit a mental wall, journal. Go to therapy. Read books like "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, post here.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 10:48 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 8/3/2013 08:22 AM

I was notthinking clearly
Still aren't. Your posts are very deflective and dismissive in a way. You're not answering direct questions. And granted, you don't owe any of us answers, but I surely hope you are seriously thinking about what's been asked of you here. Do you really, really realize what you have done? Have you really, really done the hard work? I'm inclined to Why?

I can't explain how I thought it was a good idea or why it would have been okay to share a room.
Because of that. You state that you still don't know why. You're three years out and you don't know why you actually cheated. And no, it's not because your husband was a meanie head. It goes much, much deeper than that. These choices were yours. You made the wrong ones. And you need to dig into your soul to find out why you made these choices. Because until you can identify them and fix them, your husband will never feel safe with you. And quite honestly, you won't be safe with you.

SLHim has been busting your chops here. How do you feel about that? Do you feel defensive? Scared? Why is that? Look at those reasons. See, here on the wayward forum, they know all the excuses and bull answers. Because they've tried them all before too. They can see right thru it all. They can push your buttons and make you think. Your reactions to the button pushing should be a starting point. That is what you need to look at. The statements that anger or scare you, find out why.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 8:23 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

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