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Newly separated - anyone here separate and get back together?

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tigrislilium posted 8/1/2013 15:47 PM

I am hoping for the best, planning for the worst at this time.

I am just wondering if most of the people on here started out in their separation with divorce as their goal or with reconciliation as their goal?

I am still 50/50 on whether or not I can forgive the betrayals, but I know I have a vast amount of work to do on myself before I can even contemplate Reconciliation anyway. I'm not sure if I'll even WANT this man in my life after I've done all the IC I need to do and I get my act together for the first time in my life.

Anyway.... turning points for any of you during your separation? Did something happen during your separation to make you definitely WANT or NOT WANT to Reconcile, if you initially separated while on the fence about what you wanted?

ISPIFFD posted 8/1/2013 16:06 PM

In spite of how things ended, I did actually propose a separation with then-WH not necessarily with an eye toward divorcing.

A couple who were/are friends of ours successfully separated and reconciled and they are doing very well all these years later. So I had their example in the back of my mind as to how it could work leading to R.

My then-WH and I did manage to R after the separation. I was the one who asked him to move back, and I actually had all the hope in the world that we were really going to make it... If he hadn't been lying to me during the entire 3 years we tried reconciling after d-day, I think we would've made it.

So all I'm really trying to say here is that a separation doesn't automatically have to mean divorce is the next step.

Edited to add an answer to your last question.

What made me want to try R again after we separated was ongoing therapy and communication. He came over to the house and helped me unplug the clogged rain gutters, and we had so much fun doing that really awful annual chore that I suddenly realized I didn't want to give up on us, even though I was totally enjoying the separation from him up to that point.

Hope that makes a tiny bit of sense.

[This message edited by ISPIFFD at 4:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

TrustGone posted 8/1/2013 16:12 PM

WH#1 and I seperated and the intention was for him to get his head out of his ass with his EA/PA? Everything was going OK and R looked promising until he up one day and told me I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with. I just said OK, you are right. Then I filed for D the next day and never considered R as an option again.

With WH#2, he has refused to move out of the house. Everything is still up in the air on this one. One day he is the guy I used to know and the next he is the guy his A turned him into.

Mack9512 posted 8/1/2013 16:16 PM

Mt fWH and I were separated for approximately 5 months with the longest stretch being 2 solid months right before our last DDay. Our intent for separation was completely opposite. He wanted to separate with the intent to divorce and I wanted to separate as a way to R. We went thru many periods of him begging to come back, to me finding out the A went underground, to me kicking him again. It was ass-kicked to the curb #4 when our personal intent for separation switched. The last time I wanted the divorce. I saw a L. Transferred money into a separate account. Shoved his shit into Hefty bags and left them in the garage for him to pick up. Every time he came to pick or drop off our DD7, I handed him more crap. It was the last pile of his belongings that he took to his car (with tears running down his face) that shifted something in his brain. He realized that the MOW was not who he really wanted to be with. It took a couple of months before true R started. We are still in the infancy of R but so far so good.

keeponkeepingon posted 8/1/2013 16:53 PM

MrKOKO and I were separated for 1 year before we began R. We are a year into working toward R. We are not there yet.

When I got the ILYBNILWY speech he told me he did not want to work on the M at all. I walked around in a zombie state for 2 wks. He went on a "business trip" to TX over a national holiday. The whole time he swore that there was no one else. I believed him. Then I saw the records while he was gone.

When he came home he told me that he thought he loved her. I told him to leave the house then. I would not beg or try to stop him. Buh-bye!. I was devastated. Still doing the zombie walk. Around him I was able to hold it together though.

I worked as hard as I could on the 180. I wanted to detach. I NEEDED to detach. He was with his shiny new TicK. The TicK lived in another state and was going through her own D that started before they met. She could not move here because of custody issues.

I consulted an attorney and learned my rights. Neither of us filed. I knew it would be left up to me to do so but struggled so much.

We stayed civil to each other. I tried to make as easy as possible for our sweet DS. All the while he kept up with his TicK seeing her in various cities and in luxury hotels. It was totally La-La-Land for them. No responsibilities. Hell, they would even get the chocolates on their beds before their f*ckfests.

I worked on me. I went to IC. DS went to IC. Even MrKOKO eventually started IC.

Eventually MrKOKO asked me to consider trying to work it out. I agreed a month later. He had broken up with the TicK a month or so before coming to me. His IC recommended that he not come to me for R yet. To give it time in between. It was only once I told him it was time to D that he admitted that the A was over.

We began MC and still go weekly a year later. He moved back into the home 1 1/2 years after we separated. It took 6 mths before I would have him back home.

We are a year into working toward R. It is hard. I have severe issues with abandonment now. I do not feel the same toward my H pre-DDay. I love him but not as I did. I am now a broken person.

We are trying though. We have good times. But I still have major healing to work on.

hurtbs posted 8/1/2013 17:13 PM

exWH and I separated, then reconciled. Six years later, we divorced. His behavior just got worse.

This was just my experience.

I believe that statistically speaking, if you separate you are far more likely to get divorced.

TXBW68 posted 8/1/2013 17:58 PM

My story is similar to Mack and KOKO. We were separated for 10 months. He left to be with his COW#4 (I didn't know about 2 and 3 at the time). #4 lives 1600 miles away. Their relationship was based on video chats, emails, phone, texts during work hours and eventually at night after I went to bed. She's 2 hours behind us. I got the usual speeches. Bottom line, the man was just broken.

After we separated, I discovered he had been doing A LOT of things behind my back since 2006. Porn, chatting w/porn chicks, putting pix of his junk on the web, "chasing tail" as he put it. Basically leading a double-life, acting like he was single.

I spent the first few months crying and all but begging him to go to counseling with me. He still had not even touched #4 yet. (That happened 3 months after he left.)

Once I found SI, I started distancing myself. Kids and Finances - text/email only. Six months after he left, I told him that I wanted a D and gave him a package of all of the evidence I had against him, including a copy of the 12mo lease he signed for his apt 10 minutes from our house. He broke down. "OMG, what have I done?"

After that breakthru, we became better co-parents. He started asking about the kids' grades and counseling appointments. He actually went to see their counsellor. I don't know what that woman said to him but he started changing. That was last October.

In November, I lost my mind for a minute while he was helping me repair the front door hinge. I started flirting with HIM. Next thing I know, we were kissing. I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He said NO 3 times. At that point, it had been 8 months since we had had that much fire for each other. We decided to start dating to get to know each other again.

He spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with us. Even spent the night in our bed on XMas and NY. By the end of January, we stopped the kids' visitation schedule - he was with us every weekend. He moved home in February.

R has been good for the most part but we have had our moments. I found out about #2 and 3 AFTER he moved home. #2 was a friend so I had to force boundaries on him that I had never done before. He only has 3 male and 1 female friend now that he's "allowed" to associate with. ALL of the bad influences are now off limits. He had actually started to weed them out before we started dating. He did a lot of growing up and self-evaluation while he was sitting alone in that tiny apartment night after night. That's why he broke up with #4 in September. Turns out she wasn't his soulmate after all. I was.

He is so different now. Separation finally made him realize that I was not the evil bitch he had rewritten my character to be. He doesn't take me for granted anymore. He's very considerate of my feelings. He tells me and shows me with his actions now that he loves me.

My advice is to work on yourself and try not to worry about the rest for now. I fought hard to save our marriage in the beginning. It didn't do me any good. It wasn't about me. It was about him. Only he could pull his head out of his ass.

By your registration date, it seems to be very early in the process for you. Post often. The people on this site are excellent. Stay true to yourself and when the time comes, you'll know what to do.

Edit: After re-reading KOKO's post above, I feel like I'm the broken one now too. I had a panic attack in May when he had to go out of town for 1 day. I would love to bomb the city OW4 lives in and wipe it from the map - just because. I had to go on ADs and Ambien when we were separated. I'm off everything now. But damn! I barely took Tylenol before! I have learned that I can survive without him though. And That Strong Woman is the person I try to be everyday - for me and my kids.

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 6:06 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Afraid2LoveAgain posted 8/1/2013 18:49 PM

We divorced in 2001. Became friends in 2006. Reconciled in 2008.

myperfectlife posted 8/1/2013 19:22 PM

My story is very similar to Macks.
He came to me with ILYB and wanted a D in late March, swore there was no one else. Filed for D in late April, then changed to S (which was never actually filed). I moved out to give him room to grow up and work on himself. Instead of doing that he pushed his A into full PA mode and began spending all his time with her while I had the kids. A few weeks later (I didn't know about the A until late June) he came to me and said he wanted R, was committed to us.
I finally realized a month later he was sleeping with her. Then he was back and forth, me, her, me, her. Finally he went NC with her and said he had an "Aha" moment. I thought the fog was clear. He said he was totally done with her, whether we D or R. After 2 weeks of me hemming and hawing of whether the A was a dealbreaker,he suggested "drawing a line in the sand" and filing for D so we had a direction-and working on ourselves/see where it goes. I wanted to see what he would do if I did file. I told him I would file and before I even had the chance to do so, he was back talking to her. So, yeah...glad I filed!
I believe statistically speaking that if you physically separate then your chances are higher for divorce.
However, in my particular situation I would not move back home because he's always used me as a safety net, I've been very enabling of that. He is terrified to be alone-and I honestly do not think he can fix his issues that he has with himself (before we even begin to work on the marriage)-while I am in the house with him.
Just my opinion.
You will get through this.

gma56 posted 8/1/2013 19:32 PM

No fairytale ending for the marriage but did separate for 5 mo. He came back for a 3 mo false R.
We then separated for 3 yrs and divorced a year ago.
I can say, I'm better now than when I was in the marriage of lies and eggshells.

phmh posted 8/1/2013 19:32 PM

I am hoping for the best, planning for the worst at this time.

I assume you mean best = R and worst = D, but with time and space, things may flip -- they did for me! (I'm pretty sure I initiated a post similar to yours early last year when I wanted nothing more than to save the marriage.)

XWH filed for D, even though I really wanted to R. Long story short, a few weeks after filing, he came and begged me to R, but I was already thinking about making the D final. We did some MC, I did a lot of IC, and eventually I realized that I deserved so much better than what I had lived with for essentially our entire relationship.

Anyway.... turning points for any of you during your separation? Did something happen during your separation to make you definitely WANT or NOT WANT to Reconcile, if you initially separated while on the fence about what you wanted?

I'm not sure that there was a key turning point. I just kept getting stronger and realizing that we only have one life to live. I was determined to only surround myself with good, honest people, and the person I was married to wasn't one, so I had to make some changes.

I wouldn't have believed what I'm writing during our separation (mandated by the state before divorce) but it's amazing how much happier I am now. I radiate the happiness I feel on the inside -- strangers come up on the street to tell me how happy I look, beautiful I am, etc., and this is something that never happened when I was married, even though I was younger then.

It's a decision that you need to make for yourself, obviously, but you will be OK. Humans are incredibly resilient and things will work out. Good luck working through this!

myperfectlife posted 8/2/2013 06:03 AM

I'm not sure that there was a key turning point. I just kept getting stronger and realizing that we only have one life to live. I was determined to only surround myself with good, honest people, and the person I was married to wasn't one, so I had to make some changes.

Yes. I never thought I would be the one actually filing either. Everything in my situation reversed. Now he wants to R and I just want to heal. I don't think I can with him.
Separation can bring out strength. Is it the strength to work on things or to leave?
It may be a different answer for each of you.

Mack9512 posted 8/2/2013 07:37 AM

I agree with what others said about separation as a way to better yourself. I had the typical co-dependent marriage situation and I truly believed that I could not survive on my own even though before my fWH came into the picture I was the queen of independence. I forgot about that part of myself.

Being separated from my fWH, even for such a short period of time, made me realize that with or without him I would survive and thrive as would my DD.

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