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help! I'm getting so screwed!

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puzzlepieces posted 8/1/2013 16:13 PM

I'm in a slightly unusual (although not unheard of) position and I'm not sure what I can do. I make more $ than my WH does and I also have stock options I earned during my M. My WH is fighting for 1/2 of everything.

My lawyer has advised that from a legal standpoint my WH is entitled to an equitable distribution (likely 1/2) of anything I earned during the M. Savings, bonus, stock options included, etc. And his walking out, leaving me and the kids etc. doesn't play a part from a legal standpoint.

Basically, in addition to trampling on my life and devastating me emotionally, my WH is actually going to get a lot of the money I've worked hard to earn and save. (He came into the M with debt of course.) This seems CRAZY to me!!

Is there ANYthing I can do to convince my WH not to fight for this $? Has anyone had any luck in a similar situation?
Has anyone had luck in making the argument that the WS was not "contributing" equally to the M because they were screwing around? My lawyer says it's a hard case to make. Is my lawyer not enough of a ball buster? I'm not sure what to do...

Would love any advice.

momentintime posted 8/1/2013 16:49 PM

If you are in a no fault state, and a community property state, yes he is entitled to half the money. Just like a SAHM would be entitled to half her H's money.

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:49 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

doggiemom12 posted 8/1/2013 16:55 PM

Momentintime is right - if you are in a no fault state and have a marriage of long standing (usually 10 years or more) then he is entitled to half of everything acquired during the marriage just as you would be entitled if it was the other way around.

In my case my husband had the money but I was going to get half of it. Ended up getting all of it as he passed before the divorce was final.

Not much you can do, unfortunately.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/1/2013 16:58 PM

This ^^

But maybe you can bargain with something else? Can you think of anything else he wants that you're willing to give up? Like an asset, a deal on child support, time sharing, the house.. I don't know, just trying to think of a bargaining chip for you; otherwise, yeah, he gets half..

phmh posted 8/1/2013 19:38 PM

I got majorly screwed in the divorce settlement. I put XWH through medical school under the agreement that when he was done (9 years) I no longer had to work. I made well over 85% of the income during our relationship. The laws in my state suck, so he basically got a free ride to medical school, plus tons of money that I'd saved for retirement, living expenses, etc.

I'm pretty much over it now, though when I think about it, it really irritates me when I think about how many more hundreds of thousands of dollars I'd have had I either not married him or married a decent guy.

I just keep reminding myself that money isn't everything. I'm happier now, and young enough to rebuild. You are, too.

Unfortunately, the laws in many states suck. You may be able to convince him to accept less than he could get in court, but since cheaters have already shown their true colors, it's unlikely he's the kind of person who'd agree to it.

Know that no matter what happens, you'll be fine. Sorry you're going through this, too :(

Snapdragon posted 8/1/2013 19:38 PM

I'm in a no-fault state. Technically, all debt and assets should be divided equally.

I had two aces in my deck.

1) He was asking for 1/2 my retirement account. He had cashed out his retirement without my consent (spousal signature required). So I could have gone after him for that forging my signature.

2) I had financial records for 5 months of his affair. I had proof that it started 7 months prior to my discovery and averaged the amount of marital funds spent on his affair and extrapolated it to the previous 7 months. That added up to a LOT of money!!

In the end, I didn't get alimony despite only making 25% of his salary and proof that he had denied me the opportunity to back to school to have more skills.

However, I did get 2/3 of the equity of the home. He took his debt and I took mine (we had no joint accounts). I got everything I asked for regarding joint property. This was before the real estate market tanked. So I was quite happy.

All of this was negotiated through the lawyers. Had he not agreed I could have been screwed. Trying to prosecute him for forging my signature would have cost me more than I got in the end. I guess I got lucky.

puzzlepieces posted 8/1/2013 19:59 PM

ughhh... thanks for the responses. It is so insane to me that someone can get away with this. I will think about bargaining chips. Only thing is that he wants joint legal custody. I'm not sure I want to give that to him after he's shown such poor judgement.

I know in the end, they don't "get away with it" because they have to live with themselves and the awful things they've done. But my WH still denies the affair most of the time. He even just arranged a birthday party for himself (with the OW of course) and invited all of my friends husbands. He still thinks they're his friends. It's like he has no self awareness despite the things he's done. Makes me ill.

Coraline posted 8/1/2013 21:08 PM

The debt he brought into the marriage should be subtracted from his share of the assets. That wasn't joint debt. You'll just have to prove he had it.

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