I like your idea of forwarding some info to your WS. There's nothing wrong with trying.
We are in R.
Get "How to Help Your Spouse Recover from Your Affair" and ask them to read it. They may absorb some of that.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
a willingness on their part to consider some truth other than the lies they've been telling themselves
From experience, and in retrospect, this is the one thing that really makes the difference. Everything else that folks are posting can help get the WS to the point where they might be ready to accept the notion that they are in the fog. But even then, it's a crap shoot when it comes to the WS...
I've found that at least for my situation, the best way to break that fog is to expose everything. Bring it all out into the light and make the reality of the situation appear as it is. Affairs don't do well in light.
I told our families (including his parents). I confronted the AP via phone and text. I went to his work and let his AP know who I was. When he lost his job, the reality was his life was very effed up. Not all sunshine and butterflies. Telling the AP's husband.
I doused it in cold water. I told him, go, be with her and her four kids, just know you will be paying me child support for our five kids, how will you support yourself?
I had a call in to the attorney's I used to work for that I knew VERY well. I had a call in to the private attorney I used to work for too so I could gather information. I told him that our state was an at-fault state, and that since we'd been married over 10 years, he would be responsible for alimony as well.
Reality woke him from the fog.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
That is exactly what I did. I printed out articles from SI and other sites and gave them to my fWH. At first I didn't think he would even read them but eventually he started asking questions. I "think" my providing the information to him started a gradual clearing of the fog. It didn't stop his behavior or the A though.
However, when I kicked him out, say a L, threw his crap in the garage, removed all of his pictures from the house, and told him I was done did the fog go "poof".
If you and your WW are not in NC, why don't you just ask her if she would be willing to read the articles? That way you can feel better about giving them to her and the onerous is on her to actually read them, but don't give them to her expecting her to magically come out of the land of butterfly farting, glitter pooping unicorns. You will only be disappointed.
I say this with respect only. . . It seems that your problem does not totally stem from the A. I do not mean that they are your fault. I don't think they are. Her A was a coping aspect on her side but it was WRONG and you did not cause it. She did.
With this said it can't hurt to send her these articles, but after you do don't call her up ask her what she thinks just let them resonate with her for a while. Do the unexpected. Many times when a WS sees that the BS does something different it makes them curious. It causes them to contact the BS. I read this in a book, I am not that knowing. LOL
Even if she reads the articles and sees some validity to them it may not change her mind right away so please, for your sake, don't expect that. What it MIGHT possibly do is ignite a open communication between the two of you.
I hope you get what you want, but I want to give you some friendly advise stop blaming yourself for her affair you were in pain too. You both could have handled your pain differently, but her A is her doing not yours.
I thought that if he read it and slept on it, it would at least be in his mind. A lot of what the article said, followed exactly what he was doing and thinking. He had to at least compare his situation to what he was reading and knowing that all WS think and do these things when in affair fog. The info will at least be in her mind. She may not realize how irrational the affair has been until NC has been implemented for a long time and has gone through the withdrawal period though.
Make sure she reads an actual article, because she won't believe what you are saying. She'll think your words are just desperation on your part - that you'll say anything to get her to stay and work on the relationship with you.
I was "lucky" in that fWH came out of the fog pretty quickly. I asked him once why he thought that happened and he said that witnessing my pain was probably what made the most difference. It helped him realize exactly how bad all of this was and what he stood to lose. So, if there is any reading material that might help, maybe it would be the stuff that talks about what the BS goes through??
It doesn't match our reality and the few instances I know of where a BS told the WS of the fog theories, it backfired. For me, it backfired 150% and...simply made him irate. Also, if you tell of the fog theories to a WS who is still in one, he or she may-this happened to me-consider you the enemy, because you would be trying to pop the bubble they often build for themselves.
I desperately wanted him back and tried this and it failed. It pushed him away and he even complained to people about me -more.
One thing that I found almost impossible to contemplate is that I had become the enemy for him and I represented reality, that he was trying so hard to escape from.
I am finally doing all the suggestions that I can now, even though it makes me ache inside and our marriage is ending.
What I've found on this awful journey is that the most silent treatment a BS can give, it is truly the best thing to do. It's one of the most hardest things to do in our anguish sometimes, because I found I was more drawn to him and he was more pushed away, like some twisted dance or cat and mouse game.
If you can be silent, perhaps it would give your WS a chance to think about you or wonder what you are up to and why you stopped communicating.
I've done this recently, as I said, even though it emotionally wrecks me, it is getting little responses. Recently, I got this: "is your phone broken?"
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
This is all coming from the men in your life. Do you think being that the WS being woman be any different?