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Newest Member: flowerfarmer (61841)

User Topic: Can you tell WS they are in Fog?
♂ 40136
Member # 40136
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The topic is pretty much the question. Is it a bad idea to do this. For instance take down a bunch of sites that describe what exactly the fog is and just forward to them. I'm pretty sure for men most would probably not care. The way women think, would it at least cross their mind. That this is exactly what is happening to them.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On DDay, fWH was still a bit in the fog. I could sense it and didn't hold back on saying plenty of crude things about his A. Reality is what brings them out of the fog, and a willingness on their part to consider some truth other than the lies they've been telling themselves.

I like your idea of forwarding some info to your WS. There's nothing wrong with trying.

BW, R last 4 years of marriage out of 15... FINALLY, HAPPILY DIVORCING!

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 40136
Member # 40136
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you I would like to hear other opinions on the matter first.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they are in a fog, they will likely still be in denial of any wrongdoing and they will also be so consumed by the pain they are experiencing (of the loss of their secret life, etc.). My rec is to back off and allow them to come to the conclusion on their own.

Get "How to Help Your Spouse Recover from Your Affair" and ask them to read it. They may absorb some of that.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 37072
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that telling them about the fog doesnt really help. Yes I agree that a dose of reality does. In the fog they think that the reason they cant be with the other person is because of their spouse... or they would be happy ever after. So if your telling it to him, I wouldnt expect him to listen or even care. For my husband it wasnt me telling him about a fog or what he was doing that defogged him. It was losing everything and getting the reality of seperations, seperation from the kids and missing the routine that ultimately made him realize what he had done and what he had sacrificed.

Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
♀ 34782
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No you can't tell them because they are in the "fog" and won't listen to what you say. I BTDT. The best advice I have is to do 180 and figure out what you want and then tell him. When I realized WH was still in the fog (I later found it they were still in contact) I told him he needed to leave again. I finally started seeing signs of the fog lifting after he finally decided he needed to end all contact with OW. IMHO as long as there was contact with AP there is probably going to be fog behavior.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a willingness on their part to consider some truth other than the lies they've been telling themselves

From experience, and in retrospect, this is the one thing that really makes the difference. Everything else that folks are posting can help get the WS to the point where they might be ready to accept the notion that they are in the fog. But even then, it's a crap shoot when it comes to the WS...

WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure, but even if you turn on all the lights in a room some people will still cover their eyes and sing LALALALA.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7849 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure, you can tell them, but the reality is, they are in such denial it won't mean anything to them.

I've found that at least for my situation, the best way to break that fog is to expose everything. Bring it all out into the light and make the reality of the situation appear as it is. Affairs don't do well in light.

I told our families (including his parents). I confronted the AP via phone and text. I went to his work and let his AP know who I was. When he lost his job, the reality was his life was very effed up. Not all sunshine and butterflies. Telling the AP's husband.

I doused it in cold water. I told him, go, be with her and her four kids, just know you will be paying me child support for our five kids, how will you support yourself?

I had a call in to the attorney's I used to work for that I knew VERY well. I had a call in to the private attorney I used to work for too so I could gather information. I told him that our state was an at-fault state, and that since we'd been married over 10 years, he would be responsible for alimony as well.

Reality woke him from the fog.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 38619
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


That is exactly what I did. I printed out articles from SI and other sites and gave them to my fWH. At first I didn't think he would even read them but eventually he started asking questions. I "think" my providing the information to him started a gradual clearing of the fog. It didn't stop his behavior or the A though.
However, when I kicked him out, say a L, threw his crap in the garage, removed all of his pictures from the house, and told him I was done did the fog go "poof".

"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ 40136
Member # 40136
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really want to do this. I just think it might push her away more from me. She is in a bad place because everyone knows now what she did. Her family is really religious. I have spoken to her once in the last 35 days. She told me that she now hates the fact that her family still likes me more than her. She is upset because she can't talk to my family who she loves. I want to send her 2 articles that I found. Like I said i just don't want to make things worse.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38619
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If you and your WW are not in NC, why don't you just ask her if she would be willing to read the articles? That way you can feel better about giving them to her and the onerous is on her to actually read them, but don't give them to her expecting her to magically come out of the land of butterfly farting, glitter pooping unicorns. You will only be disappointed.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your posts and really hope you and your w find happiness with each other again if that is what you both want.

I say this with respect only. . . It seems that your problem does not totally stem from the A. I do not mean that they are your fault. I don't think they are. Her A was a coping aspect on her side but it was WRONG and you did not cause it. She did.

With this said it can't hurt to send her these articles, but after you do don't call her up ask her what she thinks just let them resonate with her for a while. Do the unexpected. Many times when a WS sees that the BS does something different it makes them curious. It causes them to contact the BS. I read this in a book, I am not that knowing. LOL

Even if she reads the articles and sees some validity to them it may not change her mind right away so please, for your sake, don't expect that. What it MIGHT possibly do is ignite a open communication between the two of you.

I hope you get what you want, but I want to give you some friendly advise stop blaming yourself for her affair you were in pain too. You both could have handled your pain differently, but her A is her doing not yours.

Me, 47 BS
H, 65 WH
2 boys 23 and 18 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 523 | Registered: Feb 2013
♂ 40136
Member # 40136
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies I would really appreciate any more incite on this matter. We never had a chance to try and work this out.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the others have said, you can print and send these articles, but if she is truly in the fog, don't have any expectation that she will follow through or even read them. I handed my WH Not Just Friends and it took him 2 months to even start it. Expending a lot of energy trying to show your WS how she is still in the fog is basically like banging your head against a brick wall. What you see as sad, pathetic, dishonest, selfish, whatever, she is likely seeing as risky, fulfilling, having her needs met, etc. Until the WS gets to the point where he or she can see the reality of his or her actions, lifting the fog is impossible IMO.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 39792
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had my husband read an article about affair fog, because underneath all the emotional crap, he's a logical person.

I thought that if he read it and slept on it, it would at least be in his mind. A lot of what the article said, followed exactly what he was doing and thinking. He had to at least compare his situation to what he was reading and knowing that all WS think and do these things when in affair fog. The info will at least be in her mind. She may not realize how irrational the affair has been until NC has been implemented for a long time and has gone through the withdrawal period though.

Make sure she reads an actual article, because she won't believe what you are saying. She'll think your words are just desperation on your part - that you'll say anything to get her to stay and work on the relationship with you.

BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think so. Since they typically aren't thinking rationally, I don't know that applying a rational solution would work.

I was "lucky" in that fWH came out of the fog pretty quickly. I asked him once why he thought that happened and he said that witnessing my pain was probably what made the most difference. It helped him realize exactly how bad all of this was and what he stood to lose. So, if there is any reading material that might help, maybe it would be the stuff that talks about what the BS goes through??

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling about the fog doesn't do any good, if a person is in the midst of it. That's the idea, is that they are almost in another type of reality, of their own making.

It doesn't match our reality and the few instances I know of where a BS told the WS of the fog theories, it backfired. For me, it backfired 150% and...simply made him irate. Also, if you tell of the fog theories to a WS who is still in one, he or she may-this happened to me-consider you the enemy, because you would be trying to pop the bubble they often build for themselves.

I desperately wanted him back and tried this and it failed. It pushed him away and he even complained to people about me -more.

One thing that I found almost impossible to contemplate is that I had become the enemy for him and I represented reality, that he was trying so hard to escape from.

I am finally doing all the suggestions that I can now, even though it makes me ache inside and our marriage is ending.

What I've found on this awful journey is that the most silent treatment a BS can give, it is truly the best thing to do. It's one of the most hardest things to do in our anguish sometimes, because I found I was more drawn to him and he was more pushed away, like some twisted dance or cat and mouse game.

If you can be silent, perhaps it would give your WS a chance to think about you or wonder what you are up to and why you stopped communicating.

I've done this recently, as I said, even though it emotionally wrecks me, it is getting little responses. Recently, I got this: "is your phone broken?"

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the majority.
There are about 15-20 specific sentences that I said while he was in the fog about certain things he might want to consider when thinking about this affair. They bounced off him like he had an invisible shield.
I said the exact same 15-20 sentences AFTER he was out of the fog and he actually "got it" and the thoughts affected him deeply.
Such simple things like 'do you understand we won't be able to spend Christmas with our children?"
In the fog, they don't care. Nothing is as important as the affair and the affair partner.
They may act like they are thinking about it, they are not.
I honestly don't believe there are any words that ANYONE can say to get them out of the fog. Trust me, I talked logically, emotionally, pursuasively - but totally in circles. Even if he seemed like he was listening and really trying to understand, it was like his brain could not comprehend it at all.
I believe the only thing that gets them out of the fog is living through real consequences. Not talk. And those consequences are different for everyone.
I even said once to my WS "Everything you are saying about OW is TEXTBOOK AFFAIR TALK. You're not special! This affair isn't special! Every cheater says and does the exact same thing!"
No real response on that from him. They all want to believe that their affair is "different", better, special.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 40136
Member # 40136
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Al13 & mpl

This is all coming from the men in your life. Do you think being that the WS being woman be any different?

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
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