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How long till he's allowed to have his own feelings again?

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plainpain posted 8/1/2013 18:12 PM

Three months post DDay, after H had year-long affair. How long till I can allow my husband to be annoyed at me or to have a bad day, without reflexively feeling that he is hiding something? For so long, every fight we had seemed to be something he created to deflect attention from himself.

He got another woman pregnant, put me at risk of STD/death, shattered our family, broke my heart, destroyed my belief in 'true love'. Now I just feel like he's not entitled to get mad at me EVER for ANYTHING.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 18:18 PM

Plain....I can't even imagine how much more hurt you have then me. I just wanted to send you a hug and say I am sorry.

How much do you want to stay with this person? My answer would depend on your feelings.


plainpain posted 8/1/2013 18:23 PM

I want to stay with him. I never thought I would if this ever happened, but I do want to stay with him. But I feel like a burn victim right now - the slightest bump just hurts out of proportion to the offense. I can't help it. I hurt, and then I feel guilty for being over-sensitive, and then I feel angry that I'm feeling guilty, and then I want to go back and kick him out and run over him with a tractor and kick him out again, and then I try to imagine my life without him, and I just can't. I love him more than I hate him.

crazyblindsided posted 8/1/2013 18:24 PM

Now I just feel like he's not entitled to get mad at me EVER for ANYTHING.

I still feel like this and I am 17 months out from DDay.

Your WH should be doing EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to help you feel safe and loved by him. If he is getting angry because the situation makes him uncomfortable well that's just tough sh*t.

You are only 3 months out from DDay with an OC in the picture, please give yourself time. I am still grieving and cycling through all the stages. If you want to work on the M then give yourself time.

Your WH, while he's entitled to be angry about mundane life he is NOT entitled to be angry at YOU for HIS A.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 18:26 PM

Well, through all of the pain you have made your first choice. How do you feel about this baby?


gonnabe2016 posted 8/1/2013 18:27 PM

You've asked a general-ish type of question, so I'll give you a general-ish type of answer.

His cheating does not give you license to act like a bitch--just for sport.
OTOH, he canNOT expect you to be SusieSunshine right now.

eta: can you give an example?

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 6:29 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

plainpain posted 8/1/2013 18:29 PM

How do I feel about this baby? I want it not to exist. I've never in my life prayed for someone to lose a baby, but I pray for that now. I hate myself for even saying that. I am terrified that I will not be able to stay married to the man I want, because the consequences of his A are just to great.

plainpain posted 8/1/2013 19:06 PM

An example: He came home from work today and didn't kiss me the same way he normally does. It was 'reserved'. I took it personally, 'triggered', started to feel suspicious. I said, 'I missed you today'. Not being bitchy at all. He was just 'off', distant - I felt like I had done something wrong. He says he's depressed, and I know he's got a right to be - but I just FEEL like he doesn't have the right to be, when I'm standing in front of him trying to be sweet and trying so hard to not punish him. I'm feeling very, 'Me, me, me', and I hate that, because I've never been like that before.

TICKED OFF posted 8/1/2013 19:15 PM

Well let's just say that 9 years out now and I feel exactly the same way as you " Plainpain"when in fact it has only been 3 months for you.

Unfortunately we still live 2 doors down from the ow so the memories are always there. So NO NO NO NO......after all the shit h did and the 2 years of fatal attraction the ow put me through - well I guess it's a fair bet to say that h is most definitely not EVER entitled to get mad a me for anything, EVER. He does give it his best shot when the a comes up, tries as hard as he can to get mad and defensive but it frazzles out very quickly when I just look right through him.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 7:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 8/1/2013 21:16 PM

Ok, so your example displayed that my generality is n/a in this instance. Lol.

Objectively, your WH does have a lot to be depressed about. He's blown up his life with you. He had an A that resulted in a child with someone other than his wife. That's fucked up.

But if I were in your situation, I would have very little patience with him and I wouldn't be very understanding of him sitting on the pity pot. It sounds as if you are really trying to be understanding and whatnot and that he may be taking that as a license to play *boo-hoo poor me*.

He needs to be accountable and responsible in this situation and not act as if *he's* the victim.

I felt like I had done something wrong.

Be very, very mindful of these types of feelings because they can lead to bad places and owning shit that's not yours to own. WHY did you feel as if you had done something wrong? He'd been gone all day, came home and gave you a 'reserved' kiss. How does that translate into *you* doing something 'wrong'?

One of the reasons that I'm pointing this out is because an IC that I saw a few years ago pinpointed my not-right feelings of *guilt*. Anytime that stbx had an issue....he would *guilt* me. Even if the issue had very little (or nothing) to do with me. Somehow stbx felt the *victim* and I was supposed to be the savior....and if it didn't work out that way? Well, then *I* was the bad guy. Most of what I remember about this IC is him saying "you seem to feel guilty about this. Why?" Once I realized my answer was "because I feel like I'm *supposed* to feel that way* and that the situation didn't require ANYthing from me at all (in the *real* world of *normal* people that aren't abusive jackasses)......I was able to start having a healthy idea of what is HIS to own and what is MINE to own.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:17 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

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