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Is Reconciliation coming to an end?

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dovetool posted 8/1/2013 19:24 PM

My WH and I have been havinga difficult time lately. I think I may have to end it soon. I hate him at times... really really hate him. Some of the details of his affair are coming back to me and hurting me fiercely.

It hurts how little he thought of me. It hurts how he knowingly degraded me (he would spend the day with her and sleep with me the same day after).

He is doing things right for the last 11 months. I have full access (but I always thought I did). He apologizes profusely. He wont go to the gym and works from home to make me comfortable. He says that being with her is the worst mistake of his life because it changed who I was and our marriage. But I harp on the past. He is starting to get frustrated with me now. He says he's so sorry but he wants me to live in the present. He wants me to appreciate him because he is doing everything he can to make me happy. He asks me everyday what else can he do and he'll do it. He is doing alot, alot of things he has never done. Why am I not happy? Why am I so angry. I think about what he's done every single day. Every moment I get to myself his A in on my mind. We have a newborn now too. I feel like I'm just losing it.

Is it time to call it quits?

AFrayedKnot posted 8/1/2013 19:31 PM

It sounds like he is doing things to make you feel safe. What is he doing to make himself safe to be with?

IC, therapy, books, personal inventory?

Tred posted 8/1/2013 19:38 PM

Sounds normal to me. From your last DDay, it looks like you are coming up on your antiversary date. A lot of people start to struggle at a year out, and then year two can be worse. R is HARD. If he is doing everything right, and you can't get over it, maybe it was a dealbreaker for you. If not, just hang on for another year or two. It's supposed to get better.

lostworld posted 8/1/2013 22:47 PM

My anger had just reached its zenith a year out. I was finally feeling less panicked that my M would end at any moment, and had reached a place where anger surpassed fear. And boy was I pissed!

IMHO there was no way I was able to process all of the emotions and thoughts that followed my H's A in just a year. Honestly I didn't even reach a plateau of any kind for 3 years. Even now, at 5 years in R, my processing of it all continues; don't misunderstand, I don't spend all day thinking about the A, but on those occasions that I do, different emotions and thoughts arise. Now I tend more toward healthy introspection and seeing things in a more realistic and balanced way. Things aren't so black and white, and emotions aren't so high or low. In short, things have been really good for the last year or two, but the 3 before them were pretty darn impressive!

Wonderingwhy11 posted 8/2/2013 00:20 AM

I read your profile and I understand your feelings. My WH did the same but for some reason didn't leave. When I found out the truth about his plans to leave and there was an OW even though he said there wasn't I was devastated. I could not believe out of the blue he wanted to leave me even though I was trying to talk to him about our problems. I know it is hard to rebuilt trust after such a betrayal and I understand questioning why you feel the way you do even though WS is doing all the right things.

I have discussed this same emotion in MC and our MC has said maybe the A and finding out the truth is really a deal breaker. I will be honest at times I believe it is for me. I have tried to convey my feelings of the A and knowing I tried addressing our problems and he choose to run away and found others who stroked his ego and told him he was right.

The reality is to choose to R you have to eventually let go of the feelings and learn to trust again. My MC says it is a risk only you can make.

IMHO - you have a newborn and you should give yourself a break about all of the A emotions. You can't juggle all these emotions and take care of a newborn.

I sincerely wish you the best.

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