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Did your WS accuse you of cheating?

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bob1965 posted 8/1/2013 20:16 PM

Up to me finding out about her As she was always accusing me of cheating.

"Men always cheat."

Her grandmother didn't help. She told her I was cheating. This was during hunting season. I would go every weekend that I could. Her grandmother told her there was no way I could hunt that much and not get anything. My thought was "Maybe I am not like your family and kill every thing I see, legal or not."

She also told her "men always cheat".

"A thief believes everybody steals."
E. W. Howe

krazy8516 posted 8/1/2013 20:23 PM

Yes, he did. But I very rarely thought anything of it, because.... In a past relationship (actually, the one I was in right before I married my husband), I cheated. Several times, with the same man. My husband knew this before he married me, and off and on over the last 2 years he'd bring it up, usually in passing, or as a joke. I have never hid my past from him, and I wasn't overly bothered when he'd mentioned it. But recently it came to light that my husband had found an e-mail I wrote to my ex 2 years ago, shortly after he and I got together (and I was pregnant with our child). He said finding the e-mail destroyed him, even though it was forever ago and nothing ever came of it. Since then, he has found a way to bring it up almost daily. I have never cheated on him (and the e-mail doesn't suggest that I did), but he couldn't let it go. He was bringing it up constantly lately, and now that I know what he was up to, I know why. Or at least I think I know why. Trying to justify his own behavior, perhaps?

mysticpenguin posted 8/1/2013 20:32 PM

Not precisely. But while he was actively cheating he did say things like, "if you ever chest on me, you better tell me." Once, after he got tested (I assume), he said, "I'll know you cheated on me if I get an STD."

bob1965 posted 8/1/2013 20:35 PM

I never gave her a reason to think I was cheating. I avoided women, kept conversations short and to the point because I knew she would get upset.

Looking back I wonder if was hoping I was cheating to make herself feel better?

Tripletrouble posted 8/1/2013 20:38 PM

Chinese proverb : man doesn't look under the bed unless he hid there himself.

DoneWithLove posted 8/1/2013 20:52 PM

Yes he did, I never gave him a reason to not trust me but he needed to give himself an excuse for his behavior. I think it was his guilt eating him alive, knowing he was wrong but didn't feel like he had to change. Personally, I think he got high off of his actions, even just looking or fantasizing made him feel alive. I like that chinese proverb, only monsters know what monsters do. Good luck

Conflicted1 posted 8/1/2013 21:01 PM

We talked about his worry about this a lot because I travel a great deal for work. He never outright accused me but would bring up statistics for those who frequently travel for business. Also I remember vividly him inferring that after being intimate with me he felt a physical reaction down there and worried I was causing it. I thought well hmmm maybe a yeast infection...honestly didnt cross my mind what he may have been hinting about at the time. Just made me feel self conscious. Amazing what hindsight brings out of the corners of my mind.

simplydevastated posted 8/1/2013 21:06 PM

That was one of his excuses after I confronted him. He said "I thought you were already cheating. " WTH!? Was that supposed to make what he did better? Then another time (TMI warning) I was late for my cycle due to stress from his cheating and he had the gall to say "are you pregnant?" (We're not having sex by the way) I looked him right in the eye and said "now you and I both know that's impossible." I turned and walked out of the room.

I think they try to look for any excuse to justify their actions.

Man, just remembering that is making me

travels posted 8/1/2013 21:07 PM

Yep, I never gave him any reason to suspect that I was.

bob1965 posted 8/1/2013 21:22 PM

"if you ever chest on me, you better tell me."

I heard this instead "you better be using protection." The most protection she used was spermicide (I find it in her van).

DecadeCentrifuge posted 8/1/2013 21:23 PM

Yup. She even told her friends that I did years later. My current wife was told, "we were cheating on each other" back when she was close to my ex.

Total bullshit.

ladies_first posted 8/1/2013 21:32 PM

In another post you wrote:

During the first A she tried to set me up with her bff. "See, I'm thinking of you."

Her boundaries are scandalous!

PhantomLimb posted 8/1/2013 22:15 PM

When WS and I met I had recently broken up with a boyfriend who is now my bestfriend. The exBF and I would go out to movies, out to dinner with his family, we'd double date now and then (usually when he had a new girlfriend he wanted us to meet). WS and exBF never got along. Probably hated each other in fact. WS never said much to me about him... but he would talk to my Mom about it. Mom would tell me that the friendship made WS really unhappy and uncomfortable. But I knew nothing was happening, so I was kind of dismissive, I have to admit. Didn't see why I couldn't have a male friend, blah blah blah. I was dumb and in my 20s. Immature.

As soon as DDay happened, WS said to me that he "never knew what was really going on there" and it made him feel insecure. He never felt he could trust me to tell him the truth about that relationship. I started hysterically crying and told him nothing ever happened.

The first thing my father said to me when he heard about DDay was that my friendship with exBF probably was part of the problem.

It kills me that he thought anything was going on and that we never really talked about it. The idea that he spent years feeling insecure and self-conscious about it kills me. I never meant to make him feel that way. If he wanted to R and told me NC with exBF was part of the deal, I'd do it in a second.

In retrospect, I think I can see how that friendship could be construed as an EA. WS and I are not R, so I feel terrible on some level that this remains yet another loose end with us to some extent. After DDay exBF's girlfriend got pregnant and they got married, so I think he would seem like less of a threat to a new partner in the future. I hope, anyway.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 10:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

scared&stronger posted 8/1/2013 22:41 PM

Yes. He and OW tried to set me up with a man so I would cheat. She pretended to be someone interested in me (yeah he gave her my email address). Then he just came to me and said that I needed to find someone to love me properly and gave me the name of a guy at church to hook up with. Lovely isn't he?

ceilingwalker posted 8/1/2013 23:16 PM

Mine accused me of cheating with her sister for God sake! Her sister's husband is one of my best friends. I always told her "First, you are the only one I want, I have no desire for anyone else, second, she is married and I would never do something like that to another man (and I mean that most sincerely), third, that man happens to be one of my best friends and four, I like your sister as a sister-in-law, nothing more. She would accuse me of having sex with the mailwoman, cashier at the grocery store, and scores more. It always bothered me that she thought I could do such a thing to her. I have had several opportunities but quickly flash my wedding ring. To some women that tried I think the wedding band was an additional "thrill of the hunt" until they find out when I said no, I meant NO!

purplejacket4 posted 8/1/2013 23:50 PM

I was never blatantly accused but I got the "if you ever cheat on me I'll blah, blah, blah!" I just ignored that because I saw cheating growing up with a WW for a mother so no way Jose was I going down that hot mess of a road.

I never said the same back to fWS because it was unfathomable to me that she would cheat knowing how that had destroyed my childhood. Hmmm, yeah not so much.

It was interesting that the one person she demanded NC for me was the XGF I was with way before meeting fWS. When I met fWS xGF and I had been broken up for over four years but fWS still found her very threatening for some reason. Shoulder shrug.

And then there were some of my coworkers that just out of no where from my perspective she would forbid me to text them / email them after hours. In retrospect she seemed to have good radar as other colleagues later informed me both these young women were angling for me. Evidently I am obtuse and clueless or so says some of my work friends!

summerain posted 8/1/2013 23:53 PM

He didn't accuse exactly but only a couple of days ago he said

"I was really upset how you got along with all the guys at work"

One before we got retrenched I WORKED WITH HIM

2. Never mentioned it at all to me

3. I don't even talk to those guys anymore! And didn't after we got retrenched!

He's always been jelous so I do acknowledge there is a strong possibility he thought that was the case. But he could of mentioned it!

MissD posted 8/2/2013 00:07 AM

WS accused me of cheating many times. WS also convinced his family I was cheating. His family promptly encouraged him to divorce me, offered to set him up with friends, and totally showed their asses and poor character. In a cruel twist WS then started sharing his fantasies of me being with other men.

wannabenormal posted 8/2/2013 01:21 AM

He did; I had taken a course before D-day. I mentioned liking one of the instructors because he reminded me so much of my DAD.

After D-day he tried to say he thought I was trying to hook up with dad-instructor dude. It was pathetic, really XH grasping at straws to justify his own bullshit. I LAUGHED in his face. Like yeah, I had a hard on for an older guy that reminded me of my own father.

16forever posted 8/2/2013 02:43 AM

Yup mine did , it created a whole shit storm he even told me one nite lots of women have sex with a op then go home and have sex with their spouse ........ I just left the room he knew me better than that but I didn't know about all the other women yet or that he was probly talking to the OP he left me for around that time I repeated to him many times u know I could never to that it took him 5 months of dating to get anywhere with me and he was pretty much my first he said he accused me because I became distant and this is the words he was telling me one day we don't have sex enough so I said do u not want to be with me and instead of reassuring me he wanted me he said well do u want to be with me wich I quickly said yes there were other comments like if u leave I will be ok I will still be my kids dad so yes I became distant because I was scared that after 16yrs of marriage at the time he was tired of me ......that was in 2010 a cheater I am not isn't it called projection when they do that

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