I am so tired.
My WS and his mistress will be celebrating the one year anniversary of the start of their affair on Monday. They met at the Fiesta Parade after party last year, and tomorrow is the parade. I have been separated from him for over 8 months.
Trying to identify my feeling.....sad, depressed, lonely and feel that I will never be the woman I was before. I can see how damaged my trust is. I can see how afraid I am. I have erected huge walls around my heart, so I don't know if I will ever be able to love again. I loved him and trusted him and it all blew up in my face.....I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I can't see how I can ever possibly trust a man again. And that makes me so sad......I so believed in love, marriage and commitment.
The gut wrenching pain has lessened, which I am grateful for. The anger is starting to lift as well, so I can see some progress.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to have these reminders of what I had. I don't want to see reminders of the affair - the damn parade now just represents lies and deceit. I don't want his attorney harassing me for disclosures. I feel like my entire life is under scrutiny.
I feel like everywhere I look, my life is a disaster. Financial (my son's medical bills plus still trying to pay down the credit card from when he wasn't giving me any money), my self confidence is trashed, weird things with my friend, my lack of trust blew up in my face big time this week and now I have hurt someone that I never intended to hurt (so now I feel like shit). I feel so broken.
I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. But I can't, it's just me to deal with everything. And I feel overwhelmed right now.
I was feeling better a week ago. But now I feel guilty for hurting my friend, I feel like I need to stay away from people right now, because I am just turning everything to crap.
God, I just want to get through this and start my life over again.......