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question for those whose ws left and then returned after a bit

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cantaccept posted 8/2/2013 04:53 AM

This is my situation and the questions that keep coming up are,
Why did you change your mind?

Why are you back? WHat are your reasons?

What do you see in me now that you didn't see then?

I guess I wonder if it is for the safety, the stability, home, my job.

I think maybe the underlying question is "do you really love me?, "am I second choice?"

He tells me he is back because he believes there is a connection between us, that we were supposed to be together, it just doesn't do it for me.

I still wonder, worry, ask over and over and get the same answer.

MovingUpward posted 8/2/2013 07:40 AM

Did you set any criteria for him to be allowed back? I am not sure that he has processed and decided that he really wants back based on your questions. It seems that his actions are not demonstrating to you that you are the 1st choice and that he really loves you. If he pulls this again, formulate actions that he will need to do to come back again.

Williesmom posted 8/2/2013 07:45 AM

My wxh left, and tried to come back, but it just wasn't the same. MIT would never be the same because my innocence and trust were gone.

And he wasn't willing to become the person that I needed him to be until it was too late.

It was awkward, it was tense, it was devoid of any trust. Sometimes, you can't get past it.

Mack9512 posted 8/2/2013 08:06 AM

My fWH left and came back so many times I'm surprised I don't have high impact brain trauma.

Every time he came back was a different reason. "It was the right thing to do." "I came back for DD7." "I couldn't live with the guilt anymore." blah blah

It wasn't until he came to me and said that he wanted to come back for me. Not because it was the right thing to do, or because of our DD7 or because of any other reason. It was because he missed me. His wife. His best friend. He missed my smell, the feel of my skin, my laugh, my voice. He said he finally realized that I was the person that he truly loved and he can't believe he was going to willingly let it go. That was when I was sure he was sincere.

I gave him a HUGE list of boundaries that he has to follow and things that I needed from him to make me feel secure, or as secure as possible, in letting him back into our home. There have been some road blocks and detours but so far so good. We are both in IC and it is really helping him understand the "whys" of what he did and it is helping me cope with the betrayal. I am not 100% sure our R will work because there are too many unknowns, however I am 100% sure that we are both willing to do whatever it takes to get us there.

If you have questions about his reasons....ask him about it. If you don't believe his answers or your gut is screaming...ask him again. At some point you will either believe him or you will realize it is time to let it go.

I will put this out there as well. Don't immediately jump back into an intimate relationship with your wh. It wasn't until our 5th go around at R, that I realized that the sex was just dirtying up the pond. We had to start working on our marriage and trust issues first and foremost.



cantaccept posted 8/2/2013 08:22 AM

I believe the things I am looking for are -

I came back because of you
I missed you
I want to share my life with you

I guess I want to feel that he is back because of me. Not the security, the house.

When he came back I realize I should have said no, not yet, prove to me, show me.

I handled it all wrong. I betrayed myself.

He was depressed, defensive, not working, not able to give me the slightest bit of compassion.

I have raised my expectations since then, thank you to IC/MC.

Also, in the beginning there was HB.

Now, I can't, I cannot be that vulnerable yet.

IC tells me if I am not ready now it is ok. When he is giving me the validation and reassurance, the remorse, it will become natural for me. I will no longer feel the need to protect myself.

kiki1 posted 8/2/2013 08:34 AM


Dont beat yourself up over allowing him back in. I made the same mistake myself.
I'm sure many do.

Its that state of shock we find ourselves in, our struggle to reinstate "normalcy" that allows us to make the mistake.

Its not so horrific to want to secure your family.

The healing will take time. That dreaded word around here. Your h may not be able to formulate the words as you want to hear them, do his actions tell you why he wants to be there?

Does he randomly touch you, tell you he's sorry, do the dishes sometimes?

Have you asked him the underlying question?

philly172 posted 8/2/2013 08:39 AM

I understand where you're coming from.. My WH has the A ( which lasted 3 months) & he came back & we sort of were trying to see where we would go, but the main reason for coming back & staying in the beginning is I 'forced' him to come back.. OW had a harassment suit going against him & her Dad had 'connections' & they intended to put him in jail . Heck, WH showed concrete evidence to the judge that it was OW making the contact & the judge did nothing (like file a false claim against HER). The judge was a friend of OW dad. the judge was more nasty to WH & said to stay away from OW or he would be put in jail. Not 2 days after the hearing OW called him & he went running to meet her.. I couldn't have him going to jail for numerous reasons ( the first being losing his income) so I told him that he had to stop seeing her or I'd file a HIPAA charge I had against her ( it was sooo crazy at that time) he agreed & moved back in the house, WH wrote an NC letter & we eventually semi-R'ed. THat was 5 years ago & we are still in semi R & WH has NEVER spoken to OW since then save for OW calling him & asking if he 'really' meant NC, which he told me about right after the call.

I have had the same questions you had.. He hated me soo much during the A, now he loves me? what's different?

He always says he was out of his mind during that time & he never stopped loving me, he just loved the attention from OW.

I have many times thought I was second choice & the only thing that has made me believe I'm not is OW has fished several times trying to see if WH will contact her ( she's had mutual friends at work & shes told them to tell him Hi etc) He has always told me about these calls & will over & over say how he has 0 feelings for her.. that helps more than him professing his love for me.

WH is not in a good place health wise so I doubt he would ever cheat again but I think I will always have that nagging fear...

best of luck to you... one thing I would recommend is look at his actions.. My WH professed his love for me, his wanting to stay with me but it seemed just words to me . It was his actions that have made me believe he will stay..

TXBW68 posted 8/2/2013 09:56 AM

My #1 job is to protect my kids as much as possible. I promised them that I would not let him back unless all 3 of us were comfortable with the situation. They had their own set of criteria for his return. Once we all agreed that we could see the changes in him, that's when he came home.

I'm with him again because he has grown into the man that I always deserved. He has cut all ties with his other life. He is once again a kind, funny, loving man that loves me more than anything. That's the man I married. He appreciates what he has. There were 6-7 years where he took our life and ME for granted. He doesn't do that anymore.

We are not together for safety, stability, kids, etc. We are together because we love each other. We make sense together. BUT, I was doing ok without him.

I kept asking if I was his back-up plan too. He made a good point when he said that he was doing ok by himself too. I had a lawyer and the D was going to be amicable. We were finally being good co-parents. If he wanted that other lifestyle, why would he tell me that he loves me and start up with me again? Why would he come home and go thru the process of R if all he really wanted was to be free? He was already "free" and yet he wasn't going out. He came home because he missed being with me. He came home because he loves me. And I love him.

cantaccept posted 8/2/2013 11:03 AM

That is what I wish for, for him to be with me because he wants to be with me.

Not because I am his safe 2nd choice.

He was depressed and broke when he came back, still paying off credit card debt from his time away. He was not doing ok on his own.

He has told me recently that he did not come back for the right reasons.

Ok, I know that.

Now, why are you here now? What do you think now? What do you feel, believe now?

I cannot comfort myself with the idea that he missed me, regretted leaving me, realized what a mistake he made and wanted me back. I cannot change what has already happened.

Give me something to believe in now. Tell me something real and good and true for now.

I don't want lies, I want truth, I want honest love.

If he does not feel that for me I want to know that too.

I deserve to make decisions based on the truth.

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