I am trying so hard to be appreciative of what he is able to do.
I believe that so much damage was inflicted, first by discovery and abandonment on the same day, dealing with this alone and his blaming me for it through his texts and emails, sucking me back in twice and betraying me the next day (my fault for not protecting myself). Then allowing him back, still blaming me, saying cruel things.
Honestly I feel as if I have been fighting a battle alone until just about 2 weeks ago.
Touch is wonderful, sleeping in his arms.
I guess I am looking for more. Do things for me, just for me in a caring way.
Make dinner for me, so it's ready when I get home, not there's food, go get it if you're hungry.
Maybe I want to be pampered for a bit.
It was so very hard this winter alone.
So many things I had to deal with alone.
I was accosted by a man in a parking lot, I was terrified being alone at night after that, of going our after dark.
I got lost in a blizzard, he took the gps.
I spent hurricane Sandy alone, in the dark, no phone, nothing.
I just felt abandoned, peripheral to everyone.
I want to feel special for a while, feel like I and my heart are the most precious thing to him. At least for a while.
Kind of like when you have had an injury (physical) and you are pampered, soothed.
I know how to do that for others, sad but I have never received it. Never even knew until recently.
Talking in IC, I have realized no one has ever taken care of me, I have always been abused, I never recognized that this wasn't the way life should be.
Maybe, that is why now, I crave so much. I feel like inside I am screaming.