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The Healing Library
Infidelity Through the Tear Stained Eyes of The Betrayed
To a Former Cheater,
Infidelity changes who you are forever. It robs you of your past, it makes your present excruciatingly unbearable and it makes your future look hopeless. It strips you of your self esteem and your self worth. It leaves you naked, vulnerable, and alone.
Infidelity is truly Hell on Earth. Your mind is tormented every second of every day with the images and the movies that it conjures up. You can't get it too stop. The only respite that you have is sleep and even then, there are times when you have dreams about it and wake up crying.
You spend each day just trying to survive. Sometimes the pain is so intense that you pray for death...
You feel lost. You feel unanchored. You feel alone.
So many questions...so many secrets...so many lies...
What is real? What is fake?
If you think that what I have written is an overdramatization of infidelity, then you have a long way to go. You do not have an understanding of what you have done to your spouse. You have no empathy or compassion. You are still being selfish and thinking only of yourself.
If you truly are remorseful, then you will weep for what you have done to your spouse...the one that you promised to love, honor, and cherish. You will put your own feelings aside and do whatever, and I mean whatever, it takes to try and make her whole again.
Cheating is wrong. YOU were wrong. There is no way to explain what you did or justify what you did. It was wrong. It matters not what was happening in your marriage...it is irrelavent. Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies cheating...ever.
You took a sledgehammer to your spouse's knee and smashed it to bits. You cannot tell her to get up and walk and then get angry because she can't. If you do this, then it is like taking another sledgehammer and smashing her other knee and expecting her to walk. You cannot leave her lying there. You must help her. You must be gentle and caring and help her until she heals. She is in pain and may lash out at you, but you must remember...you and you alone did this to her.
You have the power to help heal your spouse. You have the power to have the best marriage that you ever dreamed of. You have the power to have the most wonderful and fulfilling sex life with your wife. You have the power within yourself. Will you use this power? Do you want to know how?
Your spouse has offered you a gift...the gift of reconcilliation. Are you willing to accept that gift?
What you were searching for outside of your marriage cannot be found there. What you were searching for was right under your own nose in your own home. The time and energy you spent on someone else, should have been spent at home. Love grows where it is nourished and dies where it is not.
What you found was a fantasy. It was not real. It was a mirage. It was a sad imitation of life. There is no happines to be found out there, only misery, pain and destruction of others.
I want to tell you that there is hope for you and your spouse and your marriage. My H and I have been reconciled for 3 years and we have a wonderful marriage now. We stay connected on every level now...mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
My H continues to help me and be patient with me. He has shown me a Christ-like love during these last 3 years. He has regained my trust and has earned my respect for the man he has become.
I could not have come this far in my healing without his help and the help of our therapist. I was close to suicide in the beginning.
It is imperative that you tell your spouse the truth and the whole truth about whatever she asks. You are to hold nothing back that she wants to know. It is painful. It hurts like Hell, but the truth is the only way to heal. You are not sparing her feelings by sparing the truth. You wound her more and increase her pain by keeping the secrets.
She will never heal without the truth. There can be no lies from this day forward. Healing does not begin until the truth has all come out. When bits of truth come out in drips and drops, then the healing never progresses.
Healing includes regression as well as progression. Your spouse will be angry at you and she will show it. Please remember that you deserve her anger. You did this to her.
A great therapist will tell you that it takes at least 2 years to heal from infidelity and this only applies if the WS is working his butt off to help the BS. Healing doesn't just happen...it is a goal that must be worked for. I still have triggers,but they are easier to manage. My H and I work together to help get through these triggers.
Healing is a journey that you take with your spouse . There will be many bumps in the road, but together you can get past them.
You can become man...a real man...if you make that choice. It is all about choices. Will you be a man that can be respected by yourself and others or will you give up on your spouse and yourself and leave her lying in the road helpless with both knees smashed? The choice is yours, which will you choose. Remember, you have the power.
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