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kroma posted 8/2/2013 07:33 AM

It's been 10 months since D-Day. And right now I feel like evrything I've done to this point has been a waste.I was the WS. I hurt my wife deep to the core. Because of my actions thereafter I was able to move back in with my family around xmas time. Over the last 8 months we worked really hard on our relationship. I kept going to IC. I kept seeing my Psych. I kept taking my meds. I wasn't being my selfish way. I was always looking to give n show my wife the love she deserves. For a while things seemed good. There were times when things were great even.
About 2 weeks ago as we always did we sat down after work over a drink and talked. Same as we've done for 16 years. This time she told me it wasn't working. She told me that even though I've made huge strides in bettering myself, in taking responsibility and doing things about it, in showing and caring for her, it wasn't enough. She's a thinker. She thinks from the moment she wakes up till the moment she goes to bed everything that happened. Or things that she thinks happened. She can't get those awful images and facts out of her head and she's had enough. She had given into the idea that maybe she took me back too soon. That maybe she needs her space to clear her head. She hates who she's become. She hates being angry all the time. She says when I'm not there she's ok. But as soon as I come around the mere sight of me triggers her anger and thoughts. She told me that she hates kissing me or touching me bc she thinks of the A. She has trouble sleeping which makes things worse bc she's exhausted everyday which doesn't help the anger.
We happened to have a MC appntmnt that week. The Therapist suggested a few things:
1 - Sleep in the guest room for a week. Take a sleep aid (Ativan) and work on getting her sleep back. Maybe she'll feel better.
2 - Lessen the amount of contact (texts/email/call) during work hours
We did all of that and it worked for her. So much that she feels a permanent separation is the answer. We had a follow up with the Therapist last night. She told her that she's not sure if she loves me anymore. That what I did was so awful that she could never feel the same about me. She said she doesn't see us together in the future.
To add insult to injury we leeve this afternoon on a scheduled family trip to Rhode Island for a week and then to Maryland for the weekend. We have 2 kids 11 and 13 and we're both trying to keep the family together. I have no idea what will happen over the next 10 days. But here's the deal. I'm not ready to give up. I just can't. And it's not that she's giving up either. She just hates who she is and what happened.
As I sit here at work I can't help but think how my life will be without her. We've been together for almost 25 years. 2 kids and a lot of great memories. Yes a few years ago we started having some bumps in the road and I didn't handle it right. It was my fault. But instead of recognizing it and fixing it I did the unthinkable and turned to someone else.

Right now there's a myriad of emotions running through me. 1st I love my wife very much. I've devoted my last 9 months to being a better husband, father, and friend. I feel good about the progress, however, the marriage hasn't changed. Did I become a better person? Yes. But I'm still losing my wife. Now I sit here. Scared, depressed, feeling hopeless. I'm tired. I feel like I lost my life and for what? Absolutely nothing. My fault completely. I have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I lost my partner. My best friend. My soul mate. How do I start over? How do I get through this? The worst part is we truly have so much history and love that I feel it would be a shame to say it's over. It shouldn't be over for another 40 years.

At this point I'm starting to babble. But I just can't help myself. I've been trying to save my marriage for 10 months and I'm turning to this web site hoping to find some answers. Some relief. Some advice on how to cope. On how to keep fighting. I'm not ready to give up but I don't know if it's my choice anymore. I just wish she could be happy with me again. I know if she was able to let go and forgive that we could have a better marriage. But that's up to her........

regret75 posted 8/2/2013 09:07 AM

kroma - brother my heart is breaking for you. I am terrified that I will be posting the same message some day. The silver lining I see here however is this. Maybe a true separation is exactly what she needs to help focus on her own healing. She might very well grab that space once you are separated and be able to come to the conclusion that she still loves you and wants to fully reconcile. From everything I've been reading I've noticed that what we've done takes literally years to get past. Just keep being there in what ever way you can. Chin up. Fight on.

hopefulmother posted 8/2/2013 09:42 AM

BS here.

This month is when my H started his EA with a co-worker. You sound just like him. Or at least what he tells me. Troubles/bumps more like a rut for several months for him. Work...come home...shower...sleep. While I focused on our infant son and 2yr daughter. He was also going through a mid-life crisis. The perfect storm.

He too is remorseful and doing everything he can.

D-day was in Sept and the fog began to lift for him in October. So, for us it is 10months recovery.

I feel just like your wife. I want a divorce now. But we are still pushing through. Even though we had a very bad week. I am so desperate to find the "in love" feeling I had for my H before he made this selfish choice.

Perhaps for her, she is too. And can't stay in a M without it.

Perhaps she is just like me... disappointed that after nearly a year. The pain hasn't gone away. We still trigger when we see the one that did this to us and wonder...will things be better for me if they were gone. Will I get a break from the pain, the exhausting fight(it is exhausting to stay with something that causes pain-when our instincts say run), the triggers (when we see you-we see a man that didn't cherish us..and for me a man with the AP...we see the AP)

We just want peace, rest. I would love a separation. To get a break, to get a chance to see if I would even miss my H. To be myself (carefree, happy, rested, strong)Just to focus on myself and what I want in life. Not to focus on forgiving and pushing through pain. Smiling when we want to shout.

I would hope my H feels like you do. It is nice to know that our spouses cherish us that much now. You have to remember-we are really bothered by the fact that you didn't always cherish us. That makes it hard to stay.

At this stage, for me-it is about his ex-feelings for the AP. I can't get close without remembering how he felt about another women. Perhaps she can't either.

I would give anything to feel like I was on top. I would love for him to publically diss her and proclaim his love for me and his regrets. To tell my friends and family how sorry he is and how stupid he was. To show to others that I am number one again. That the AP is worthless and means nothing.

I say, if you love her. Let her go. (But stay close) Send flowers and etc. Court her again. Don't let her forget you, but don't make her focus on fixing things anymore.

Sorry so long-bad month (probably is for her too)

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 9:45 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

kroma posted 8/2/2013 09:44 AM

Thanks for the advice. My fear of moving out is that she never takes me back. That she feels better without me and comes to the conclusion that it's over for good. That she is able to move on. The thought of moving on makes me want to vomit. I know in my heart what we had for 16 years was real. She loved me unconditionally. When I broke her trust it destroyed her. Never saw it coming. But from everything I'm reading not only on this site but others as well as therapy....this is a process. It takes time. I'm ok with that. I have the love, time, and learning the patience. But she's not so sure anymore. She's run out of patience and ready to try one last option which is a separartion. I feel there's more to try. That it's still early and there's a lot more to work on. This is hard but it's so worth it. I just wish she felt the same as I do.

If it comes to moving out and giving her the space then I will. Relunctanly. Maybe it'll work. Maybe it won't. I just have this uneasy feeling that moving out is a death wish on our marriage. The single most worst feeling I've ever had. Can't eat, sleep or function. That's what put me into the psych hospital 10 months ago. This is the worst time in my life and I am struggling right now to find my way.

Thanks for listening.

hopefulmother posted 8/2/2013 09:48 AM

Unless you were super cruel to her during your M and the A. I really doubt she will just up and leave.
Remember, she has the same amount of history with you to. It is a blessing (for R) and a curse (how can they just throw away all that good time for an AP)?

hopefulmother posted 8/2/2013 09:53 AM

For me...the M is great, better in fact. But-personally it is me, not getting over the fact that I no longer feel sacred or special. (because even for a brief time over 20yrs-I was not first to him and he was willing to lose me for her/ no matter if it was a drug fog) regardless of the way he treats me now.

Perhaps she feels this too.

kroma posted 8/2/2013 10:07 AM

Hopefulmother - sounds like my marriage has a twin. Everything you said is like what we're going through. Kinda crazy.

I too felt like there was the perfect storm. I was given a promotion at work which was a 2 hr commute. I had pressures from my boss, the guys who worked under me, and my own expectations. I would come home and take it out on my family. I wasn't a good husband and was becoming a shitty father. I never realized how much of an asshole I was being. So when I treated my wife like shit she treated me like shit. And at the time I blamed her for our problems never realizing it was me that started. When the OP came along she was young, free of responsibility, and made me feel like I was worth it. Ironically enough my wife always made me feel like I was worth it.....I just forgot and never took the time to see what was right in front of me.....

Like you, my wife tells me she's not sure if she's in love. She says she wants to be. She says she's trying. But she's changed. She doesn't feel like she has it in her anymore. She feels the only thing left to do is to be apart so she can find herself again. Clear her head. She doesn't want to be angry anymore.

I will respect her wishes and look for a place to stay. I will take your advice and not give up on her. I just can't. I'm not sure how I will get through this to be honest. I didn't do such a hot job the 1st time I moved out. But if she's telling me there's no other choice then I have to respect that and pray that she lets me back someday. Honestly, I am struggling right now but talking to you feels like it's helping. Thanks.

kroma posted 8/2/2013 10:17 AM

I wasn't cruel at all. For 14 years we were absolute best friends. We did everything together. We used to laugh at others who sat there at dinner and couldn't hold a conversation. We could at any moment anytime. We had a great 14 years.

The last two has been all about me. My selfishness. My insecurities. It never became abusive at home. But it just seemed like we argued all the time. Which wasn't us for 14 years.

Then the perfect storm.

During the A it appeared to be the same except I did everything the cheater does (I looked at the checklist from the article in the healing library).

For 15 years my wife was #1. For 3 months she wasn't. And now I'm trying everything I can to get it back. To let her know she is #1 and always will be. I probably sound like that pathetic guy that fucked up and is crawling back on his knees. But the truth for me is that I'm doing things the right way. At least according to this site and my therapist and friends.

Problem is the only person that matters is her. And she's not happy........

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 10:49 AM

BS here....thank you for the honesty of your post. I am almost 11 months into R from Dday and I can feel every emotion on both sides of this issue.

I am like your wife...a thinker, my mind NEVER slows down. My new reality which is: together 32 years, married 25 next month and recovering from my husbands 4 YEAR A, has been a big huge mountain of shit and pain. How do you get over someone who has deceived you for 4 years?

The evil mental capabilities of my mind have astounded me through this process. It is amazing how dark and distorted things can get in as little as an hour when you have a mind like mine. I do not do this willfully, trust me I would love to remove it just to get some peace.

I came to the realization at about 4 weeks after Dday that my mind was going to kill me eventually, literally. I took this info to my IC and we both agreed that, because my WH was as remorseful as you and working so incredibly hard to right his wrong, I needed to do something on my side of the situation to give him some relief. So I voluntarily started Anti-D meads.

Looking back on those horrible days now I attribute our positive moves forward from this single unselfish act. My mind started to give me a break and my emotions leveled out to a point where I felt I could at least see the positives that lay ahead.

Some people may think this was a cop out on my part, that most WS don't deserve any positive help at a mere 4 weeks but, if I truly meant what I said about trying to R, this was my only way at that time that I was capable of helping in a positive way.

I have never regretted my decision in this and, having read so many WS posts I am glad that I was able to make that choice so early on. Our MC/IC has been incredible and so have my hubbies efforts. Without all of this, and the meds, we would not be where we are today.

The only thing I would add was that this was 100% my decision and mine alone. If at any time my WH had even mentioned or suggested it I would have never agreed and probably left.


[This message edited by TxsT at 10:49 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

unforgivable5 posted 8/2/2013 10:51 AM

Kroma, I feel your pain. I truly do. But here's the deal. And I speak this from what much wiser people here have drilled into me. You should be working on you for you. Not the M. Its awesome that you have been doing the work. But you gotta be doing it for you. I have struggled with this too. Ultimately you want the M to survive and thrive, but if you're just doing all this for the M and then you're probably going to fail.

As a WS, one of the absolute hardest thing to face is that we have to let go of the outcome. Kroma, you have no control over her feelings at this point. She doesn't really either. This has been the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. We want to make everything better and move forward but guess what? We dropped an atomic bomb on our BS's and our M's. How she processes this is completely out of your hands. You can do everything you are supposed to do and be a fabulous husband, but in the end, it may or may not matter. You are only in control of you. I know that's scary as hell. But its reality.

So now you have got to find your strength. For you and for her. No amount of whining complaining crying begging will help. I know it sucks, but you will survive whatever the outcome. Like others have said, maybe a seperation is good. Maybe she'll feel differently tomorrow. or next week. who knows. Here healing is her own. Your healing is your own.

Be strong Kroma. I 'm pulling for you

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 11:14 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Sal1995 posted 8/2/2013 11:24 AM

I can relate to your wife and hopefulmother. We're not quite at 6 months, but I'm completely exhausted. Tired of the anger, the hurt, the horror movies that play in my mind. Tired of going to bed each night with a wife who had such complete disregard for me and our marriage. Tired of going to bed with someone I struggle to love, respect and trust.

All I can say is hang in there. They say time heals all wounds, and you and the wife are 4 months further into this than I am. I've read enough on this site to know that it does get better if both spouses are committed and keep fighting. Sometimes the BS's feel like the fight has drained out of them, but maybe that's part of the rollercoaster.

Best of luck to you and your wife.

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 11:26 AM

unforgivable....believe it or not but as a BS I thought the exact opposite. I felt that I was not the one who would make the ultimate decision if my hubby stayed or went....I knew there was no way in the world I could ever compete with a fairy tale...real life would never measure up.

I find it interesting how each side sees the situation. It makes me happy to read how many of the WS's really do feel bad about what they have done.

Isn't it sad that life sucks. All of us, on both sides of this coin, didn't take care of our marriages. That's been the biggest realization I have had and it has brought me the most sadness. I know I could have done more to prevent the doors from popping up and so could have my spouse. We didn't nurture and protect our marriage and now we are learning the hard way what can happen when you get too caught up in life.

Big hugs to all of you. Thank you for letting me post.


[This message edited by TxsT at 11:28 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

lost_in_toronto posted 8/2/2013 11:30 AM

I think it was about this point in R that things were really hard for me. R was going well, we were building new foundations, my WS had really stepped up to the plate.

And as our MC stated with insight, thing going well made the whole thing so much harder. It made me even angrier - because how could he have jeapordized us when we could be so great together? And why did it take an affair to make him want me enough to work so hard? Why couldn't he have loved me like this in the moment he chose to be with the OW?

For me, this was a stage we had to move through. I didn't know what the end result would be, but I stayed for a lot of reasons and one day, I just simply felt differently. The anger was gone, and I was glad that he had waited for me to get there.

Your BW just told you about these feelings. Can you ask her for some time before a final decision is made? Like six months or three months or whatever she can give you? Time for you both to see what happens when you both are aware of her feelings and can talk about them with your MC?

One of the best things our MC did when we started therapy was to ask us for a time commitment. He asked us to give six months to the process before making decisions. Of course, we could have walked at any time - it wasn't a contract. But it gave us breathing room to try to find ourselves.

Good luck.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 11:32 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 12:05 PM

Good advise Lost!!!!

I remember my WH saying he was so tired of each day feeling like a rollercoaster. The worst thing was it was a roller coaster we were never able to stop or get off of, no matter what each of us tried.

He also told me he felt so helpless that he didn't know when or what a trigger would be. He wanted to be able to stop them before they reached my mind....bring me some relief.

Our MC/IC was so instrumental during the period of time most of you seem to be in right now. Once we realized that triggers caused us both so much pain we laid down the foundations together to effectively deal with them as best as possible. As soon as a trigger hit I would call hubby and explain what was going on, what the trigger was and why it affected me. I then asked him for clarification on the issue that was at the base of the I just heard a sond where the guy was singing about 10 lovers...are you sure you only had this one? My H knew I was not trying to upset him or kick him or get back at him when I asked these questions. He knew I was just settling my mind so it wouldn't run a million miles in the wrong direction. He was happy that I stopped waiting even a few hours to call him because we were so much better equipped to talk through the trigger when I was rational about it and could see the real causes without the mind shit added on.

Triggers have decreased thankfully but our communication skills we developed through working as hard together as we did is a gift we gave both of us. We also finally felt we were each helping the other spouse.

Once we reached this understanding and level of mutual support it was amazing how much smoother our progression has been. Communication was one of our pre-existing situations that helped open our marriage to the A. Now it is one of our strengths even though I know we have a long way to go.

The other thing we have mastered is not talking in blame anymore. We talk in feelings.... the way you said that made me feel like I was back at age 10 and being scolded or when you yell at me all I can think about is my over bearing father thinking I was no good. Feelings can be dealt with....blame just creates more blame.

Hope I have been insightful.


[This message edited by TxsT at 12:27 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

betraydtwice posted 8/2/2013 12:43 PM

As a BS I can tell you that separation is not the worst thing. Look at this as opportunity to show her how much you love her now. We as bs tend not to believe in your love, a part of us thinks that your words and actions are lies, like you were lying to us still.

We lose a bit of that love when you cheat and it's up to you to refill it.

Think of it as an opportunity to make her FALL in love again. Send her corny texts, flowers, take her on dates.

As someone who's ws had to travel for 2-3 weeks, I can tell you that it is sometimes easier to heal when we don't see each other as much. Sometimes just to see him would be to trigger. Now 3 week later, I can say that I REALLY do miss him.
In the beginning, I was just telling him what he wanted to hear, now I'm actually
missing him.

Make her love you all over again, but tell her what is in your heart. Tell her you are scared it will end your marriage. Tell her EVERY thing. We are not looking for a macho protecting man right now. We are looking for the little boy that knows he F** up and is willing to lay his heart out. Even if it means that we, the bs can stomp all over it.

Space may be just what you both need. Just prove to her you don't want to live without her. Think back to when you just started. What did you do to make her fall in love back then? Do some of these things. Be persistant, not aggressive and keep on showing her. She WILL miss you.
Good luck

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 13:01 PM

You have a good point Betrayed.

Separating can help clear up if a heart does or does not want to believe....

But on the brighter side of this....sending cute, loving, somewhat naughty texts, emails, and flowers.....was that not what the A was made up of??? Why not treat your Bs to the same level of pleasure and happiness you did with your OW??

Make the best of the situation.T

hopefulmother posted 8/3/2013 11:13 AM

So true a twin. It was 13 yrs of relationship for us. Married 8. We never argued, the breakdown started last year around March. He moved us a hour and a half away from friends and family.

We were isolated with no break from the kids. I gave up my career, friends, family, home, and volunteer work. I became depressed. Not with him, but our living situation. He did too. I was not the happy carefree wife he came home to. I was spent-exhausted. Needed time to myself, and I saw him as another person seeking my time-but not giving back.

His EA was over a three month span too. He was absent EA during that time. Short with me and the kids. We rarely talked. Which was somewhat normal. We had the relationship like you. Always had stuff to talk about or we were content to just read quietly together in the same room.

Did you apologize publically for your behavior? Make it known that the AP meant nothing and is nothing? That may help, I want my H to do that.

hopefulmother posted 8/3/2013 11:18 AM

By the way

We want the fairytale too. Right now it is a nightmare.

Woo her back...separated. You were someone else's KISA. Now be hers. Get separated. Let her get on her feet. Show that you are a mess without her and your family. Show her and let her see how devastated your life is (like in movies). And beg her to come back. In some ways we want you to live with the consequences of your decision.

kroma posted 8/14/2013 09:19 AM

First I apologize to those who sent me their advice. I went on a planned family vacation and was hoping it would help the situation. This is why I didn't respond back. It didn't work.

As of now I signed a lease for 3 months starting Sept 1st. It was a very hard thing to do bc in the back of my mind I have a bad feeling that I may never come back. My BS said to me she is unhappy and angrier every day and cannot get my actions out of her head. It is still fresh and vivid even though it was a year ago. Even though I have tried to become a better person through programs and therapy and reading and blogging. It all doesn't matter. She needs her space to figure herself out and hopefully get rid of the anger. Only then do I have a chance at our marriage. The worst part is I feel exactly the same as I did when she found out. The horrible feeling in my stomach has come back and is a constant reminder of last year. I feel like everything I've done up to this point to improve me has crumbled and I can't help it. I'm having a really hard time losing my wife twice in 1 year.

nowiknow23 posted 8/14/2013 09:32 AM

Even though I have tried to become a better person through programs and therapy and reading and blogging. It all doesn't matter.
Gently, I disagree. It does matter, or at least it should, TO YOU.

The marriage either will or won't survive. Regardless of the outcome, you will still be you. That work, that effort, that investment in yourself WILL pay off as long as you continue to work on yourself.

As unforgivable5 said, let go of the outcome. Focus on making yourself a safe, healthy person.

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