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regret75 posted 8/2/2013 08:34 AM

I'm overjoyed to report that I've taken a major step to successfully R. I wrote a huge 8 page letter to all our close friends and family divulging the affair and how badly I treated my BS. She still won't say she loves me when I tell her I love her, but I'm cool with that - everything at it's own pace - I know it made her happy that I told the world about it. I included all the dirt and even included the fact that I didn't want one email congratulating me for 'doing the right thing by telling' and all that other horseshit. I told them all that their focus needs to be on her pain just like mine needs to be. Baby steps folks - that's all we can do - that and praying for guidance and trying to learn as much as we can. Thanks for letting me share.

[This message edited by regret75 at 8:34 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 09:16 AM

Regret....((((BIG HUGS))))

What you did was allow your wife to feel safe anywhere in her world and that is such a huge gift.

As a BS well into R, I can't tell you how much that single act would have meant to me.

My WH wanted to just burry himself in the sand and disappear, he was so ashamed of himself and his actions. He was actually close to suicide by the time the A was out in the open. He didn't want to tell a sole what disgusting thing he had done.

By protecting the knowledge of the A, I felt like no one around me could possibly help in my recovery because to truly help I needed to tell them what had made me so damn upset. I felt like I was on an island of despair and not allowed to seek help without upsetting the veil of secrecy. I liken it to having to put on a mask every time you encounter someone because my grief was so acute there was no way of hiding it from anyone.

I stopped going out of the house, I was alone in my pain completely, except for my MC and IC. I continued to spiral downward because of this elephant of a secret on my chest.

Finally, after I realized I would eventually leave due to these conditions, I demanded that my WH at least tell our children and our families. NO ONE should ever feel they have been cut off from this important support group. They needed to know why I was becoming someone who was incapable of caring for even themselves. WH finally agreed. It was like the gates of hell shutting behind me when our kids found out. And their supportive reaction surprised my H so much that telling the rest of the family was much easier.

Can I ask you something? Your post seemed to oooz with excitement for having stepped over this line and committing to the act of openness. Are you feeling happier today? Has this act also released you from some of the huge burden you have been toting around? If it has that's a double bonus.

Congrats again. I think it was an incredible step forward for you and your wife and will help so much.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 9:18 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

regret75 posted 8/2/2013 09:40 AM

Txst,

I am excited for sure. I am happy too, but not because it's off my chest. In fact as I write this I'm realizing how much fallout I'm about to have with many of my personal relationships because a lot of people are rightfully angry at me and I'm gonna have to face that. I am happy because of exactly what you said about my wife now not being cutoff from the world and suffering alone. I will walk through the fires of hell if I need to. Hopefully the letter I wrote is that first step and she can see that. In the meantime I just need to be here for her. Keep listening. Keep reading. And be whatever it is she needs me to be. I'm so worried about her, but it has been nice seeing her being contacted by the ones we love. It does my heart good to see people letting her know how sorry they are that she had to endure this....that they love her and are here for her.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/2/2013 17:23 PM

It's good that you understand you should not be congratulated for doing what is right. I hope that you stay a safe place for your wife.

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 17:30 PM

Regret....It can get no worse then better when you show her you honest attempts at R. Even the smallest things are noticed.

T