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Could he have picked a more inappropriate card or am I paranoid.

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LearningToFly posted 8/2/2013 10:38 AM

We went to marriage counseling and she had a lot of good things to say to both of us. I am confused though because she did tell WH that it was a "sweet gesture" to send the OWs mom a sympathy card at the loss of her husband and a hand written poem about the man . WH didn't tell her that while in the affair, he promised to write a poem about OW's dad when he passed or that the mother was aware of the affair and been a go between. She may have felt a bit different about it after learning these things though she insisted I should not be reading the old emails. She said it was like an alcoholic drinking, the marriage couldn't improve while I did that. Anyway along with a poem continuing on the theme of the love poem he wrote her to say "good-bye" (using analogies from a TV show he use to watch with his OW (highschool girlfriend) he wanted to send a sympathy card. He has NEVER sent a sympathy card in his life by the way. I would think that if he wanted to tell the poor woman that he is sorry she lost her husband he would get a card stating "lost your husband." Instead this is what it said...

Hope is just a a little word, but some times it means everything. Wishing you brighter better days ahead.

If he sent that to her mother along with the promised poem (he says he forgot that he promised her a poem - its in his emails to her) would it cause you to believe he is just making a "sweet gesture" or would you think that he is opening contact and encouraging his OW to wait for him? Am I just way too hurt to see that he was just being nice or is he being a sneaky jerk?

The counselor told him he needed to shred the poem and not send the card.

I know in his mind, he is getting rid of the card and poem (If he really does) because the counselor told him to. It didn't matter that I was hysterically crying the other night when he told me that he wrote the poem and bought the card. To him I was just being unreasonable and coldhearted to a woman who lost her husband. He denied that he was reaching out to OW, that he was simply being respectful to the mother. I told him that I was sure she would tell the OW about it. When OW heard he included a poem, especially one with the same TV show theme, she would have the "HOPE" the card suggested. The counselor said that I dont' know I don't know what the mother would do. I think why take the chance? (AND I also think,,,of course she is going to tell her and my husband knows this just a well as I do).

Why do I feel that I am being painted as an unfeeling monster to a poor woman who lost her husband? Honestly, if it was anyone else, I would be fine with it. In fact, a man who was a huge part of our whole families lives for 8 years (we haven't had contact of 6 or 7 since) died suddenly of a heart attack. He has a wife and grown children. Why didn't my husband get inspired to write a poem for him. He found out about him on Monday and wrote the poem for the girlfriend on Tuesday morning. Why not a poem for a loved man we all knew. (He was the elementary school principal when our kids were in elementary school).

confused615 posted 8/2/2013 10:47 AM

Um..NC means NO CONTACT..with OW AND her family.

Im so sorry..he doesn't get it.

kiki1 posted 8/2/2013 10:50 AM


f*#* that. I would be ticked off by him sending the card.

your not paranoid, it is inappropriate.

has he been nc? sounds like he is attempting it in a round about wayward way.

you said it, the other passing meant nothing to him and this one does.

Red flag as far as I'm concerned.

I'm sorry your experiencing this. From reading your tag line, he's having a tough time coming out of that stupid fog of wayward thinking.

strength to you

jjct posted 8/2/2013 10:52 AM

MC is hurting you, not only because she's clueless,
it's because wh is not remorseful:

To him I was just being unreasonable

He forfeited his right and ability to comment on your reasoning abilities when he gave in to his little head, and stuck it where it wasn't 'sposed to be.
Try IC instead -preferably with someone experienced in infidelity - which the present MC is clearly not.

Be strong.
It kills me what people go through putting up with remorseless assclowns.

cocototo2 posted 8/2/2013 10:55 AM

Your MC is wrong. You are not being unreasonable, cold, or anything else. HE should have NC with the OW or her family, period. If he hadn't been having an affair, then this would be a non-issue. Do not let either of them turn it back on you. I would find a new MC. I've had a really bad one like this too - totally snowed by WS.

caregiver9000 posted 8/2/2013 12:47 PM


Your MC is wrong. It is not "sweet" to curry favor from anyone even remotely connected to the OW. It is not ok to spend time or energy being creative about soothing the hurt of someone connected to the HURT he caused you while even doing so causes you more hurt!!!!

This is so unbelievably wrong. I am sorry you did not get validation from your MC. I would be concerned that she cannot help you and may cause serious damage by siding with WH in issues like this.

(((more hugs))) be kind to yourself right now.

Nature_Girl posted 8/2/2013 13:12 PM

Ditto to everything Caregiver just posted. Your MC is damaging you.

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 13:34 PM

Please remove yourself from that MC's care....they don't know what the hell they are doing.

Run and run fast!


Holly-Isis posted 8/2/2013 16:33 PM

Get a new MC. If you had been raped and the mother of your rapist had facilitated the rape by telling the rapist when you'd be alone...would your MC think what your WH did was sweet then?

My guess is no. That fact that your MC doesn't get it tells me your MC has NO IDEA of the true damage infidelity does, and thus will not be the person best suited to help you recover and R.

Blackcloud13 posted 8/2/2013 16:42 PM

I agree he should not have sent a card. he should not be involved with OW in anyway. like Confused615 said, they just don't get it. I hope he gets it now...MEN!! Good Luck.

canteat posted 8/2/2013 16:56 PM

WH didn't tell her that while in the affair, he promised to write a poem about OW's dad when he passed or that the mother was aware of the affair and been a go between.

This women was a go between. He needs to have NC with her too! She was not a "friend of the marriage" She was actively involved in trying to destroy it.

To him I was just being unreasonable and coldhearted to a woman who lost her husband.

So no, you just don't have a lot of sympathy for someone who is an enemy of the marriage. And I don't blame you.

I agree with those who said get a new MC. It is amazing how many have NO knowledge of infideltity issues.

am confused though because she did tell WH that it was a "sweet gesture" to send the OWs mom a sympathy card at the loss of her husband and a hand written poem about the man .

Does MC not understand the concept of NC or why it is so important to healing? Instead she focuses on not reading old emails?? True-we shouldn't dwell in the past but some of the info gained from old emails is VITAL to R. GET A NEW MC!!

You are not paranoid!! *hugs*

ambivalence26 posted 8/2/2013 16:56 PM

Seriously..... I'm so sorry your husband is a d-bag! NO CONTACT PERIOD! Personally.... I think he is trying keep contact with the OW. He should ONLY be thinking about you and your recovery! You are/should be the most important person, not his ex mistress' parents. So sorry you are going through this. Stay strong!

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 16:59 PM

I second that thought.

solus sto posted 8/2/2013 17:09 PM

No contact. No contact. No contact.

Ditch this MC and find one who is experienced with couples attempting to reconcile from infidelity----particularly couples in which one partner is NOT REMORSEFUL.

You need extra support in this situation. And your husband needs a different approach, if your marriage is to be saved.

Her advice is waaaay off the mark, given your husband's continued star-crossed fogginess.

bellapump posted 8/2/2013 20:28 PM

I am so sorry for your pain.I agree that you need a new MC.You have every right to be hurt by such an inconsiderate act by your WH. He should be worrying about you and your response to his behaviors and be bending over backward to make amends not trying to make you feel like you are not a good person. That woman was an active threat to your marriage and if he truly wants to reconcile then he will cut her out of his life. My WH thought he should keep mutual friends of his OW (or barslime as I like to think of her) on facebook. I explained how that made me feel and that they would still report back to OW or let her see his fb page. I did not want her to know anything about our status.He agreed to delete them. We are doing fine now. It has been 4 yrs and we still have rough patches. Be strong and secure in who you are. Don't let him make you feel bad regardless of how you feel about who and what has or is happening.You have a right to your feelings!

[This message edited by bellapump at 8:36 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

bellapump posted 8/2/2013 20:33 PM

[This message edited by bellapump at 8:55 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

LearningToFly posted 8/3/2013 01:18 AM

I do feel unsupported in many ways by the counselors. Maybe its because I have chosen to stay in this marriage even though it appears that my husband is incapable of empathy. I just feel that no matter what, if I stay or if I go, my life is going to be lonely and I will never be loved.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 11:39 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

canteat posted 8/4/2013 09:27 AM

I know what you mean about the empathy thing. I have seen some from my WH-but I want to see more from him. We start MC next week and I hope that it helps us to express things a little better.

It sounds as if your MC is not the right one for you. Call around and phone interview some others. Ask them what their approach is to helping couples through infideltity. If you don't agree with their approach or don't get a clear answer-keep looking. Apparently, there is no "standard" treament that is taught to counselors for these types of situations. Are you in IC? If not, look into that too. It helps. *hugs*

LIGHTCHASER posted 8/4/2013 09:40 AM

You donot need to feel like you have to be nice and civil to the OW and her family. Your H should never contact either her or her family no matter what. I wouldn't want my husband to go to even the funeral of OW or to send a card to her family. To me if something is over, it is over for good.

jjct posted 8/4/2013 09:41 AM

my husband is incapable of empathy.

The #1 diagnostic criterion for Narcissism.
I gotta tell ya.
If that's the case, the sooner you fold up your tent, the better you'll be.
There's no fix for that.
Sorry to be the bearer of such bad tidings, but, there it is.

I just feel that no matter what, if I stay or if I go, my life is going to be lonely and I will never be loved.

The cure for this is to be the lover of your own self.

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