Yesterday, my WS forwarded me a list of the employees from several companies who will be participating in a 10-day business trip together, saying he knew I'd want to know. The OW is one of the names. Last year's trip included OW, too, but that was DURING the affair. So lots of triggers for me--especially since I had suspicions and he lied so convincingly.
As horrible as it was to see her name on that list, I was encouraged by several things. He actually sent me the list! He didn't need to; I didn't know he'd even get a list. I wouldn't have known (his work/computers are classified) that she was EVER on the trip unless he spoke up. I'd asked him before (but didn't make a big deal about it) if she might be attending but he could never answer because of NC. So the fact that he sent me the list the morning he got it went a long way in restoring my trust. It's a baby step for most, but it's one of the few ways he can be transparent considering the nature of his work.
I asked if we could talk about it, when he was ready (a condition we've agreed to in MC). He said sure. He then--about 10 minutes later--sent another e-mail stating that he must go (he's in charge) and that he wasn't going to exclude her from any of the activities but that, within that framework, there were lots of points we could talk about.
I responded that I'd never ask him not to go, that I knew how much it meant to him, and that I'd never expect him to be rude-although in my fantasy he spits in her face. :)
Last night, he came home quiet, but sweet and loving and vulnerable. That's not my husband, usually. I think he's considering, for the first time, how really hard this must be for me and appreciating, maybe also for the first time, my composure under the circumstances.
What helped me is this thought: if they re-connect, then our reconciliation is doomed and my path forward is clear. It's not what I want, but it allows for no uncertainty (which is sometimes nice in this "I wonder what that means" environment of translating every action my fWS makes). It's a miserable, long test to sit through, but I have no options.
My question is what to say, what boundaries to set, during our upcoming conversation? I feel like asking him to sit at different tables, never being alone with her, avoiding conversation with her would be pointless. How would I know if he did or if he didn't? And, quite frankly, if he's going to cheat again, he's going to. Right? Not sitting at the dinner table with her isn't going to keep them from hopping in bed together. Unfortunately, I have no control over his heart or his actions.
So I'm leaning toward the high road. I'd like to ask him to simply respect my position--as his wife of 22 years, as the mother of his 4 children, as the woman who has welcomed him back with open arms and who has not broadcast his sins to his family or his friends--and to tell me the truth this time. Just that. The truth.
I've asked him before why he didn't just leave me/us last summer before breaking his vows but I don't even know if he knows. That's probably why the truth is so important to me now. If he chooses her on this trip, then he unchooses me. Without his confession, there's no way, though, to know what choice he's made. If we're going to be over, I want it to be as dignified and drama-free as possible.
So . . . suggestions? Am I even close to dealing with this situation in a manner that's positive for our relationship and for my personal emotional health?