i dont care about the why as much as i did anymore hes has given me his why .
basically the fat kid inside him craves admiration attention and to be desired he is a very fit man cares about his weight very much actually and work oriented it was fitness work and gaming
well all my admiration and attention floated off somewhere ...hmm maybe the kids !!!! since he was focused on playing his game non-stop whenever he was home i was ignored so i directed it else where which was are kids and online chatting with friend and family since he wasnt here even when he was ....
anyways i got my need for attention in the healthy way i guess and then whenever he got off the game he would think to himself why no kisses no attention was paid to him but he didnt think to ask for it
i would beg for it all the time and cry about it and he would always say after my game match is over . ...... well one horrible night when unwinding with co-workers after work he meets a girl who was cut to the chase and gave him all the compliments he could handle the attention he wanted made him feel so good she says " ive never seen a man like you around here your damn sexy " he was flying high wooooo she told him you need to take me to your room i have to have you . that he was so caught up on her boldness and never has he been approched that way he felt so needed !!!
so long story short his self image is horrible piss poor he feels like the fat kid he was years ago starved to get the attention everybody else had .....now he has a rocking ass body thanks to the military on top of his work and gaming and ignoring me which in turn he wasnt aware i was trying he felt undesired not knowing he was pushing me away and i got tired of being shoooed off so he can play xbox he thought he was a chore for me blah blah blah......but he said he actually didnt think how he was feeling was a big deal and that he did know how much he needed the attention til it all hit him .
so he goes to say i wanted your attention but denied all your attempts affection by making everything else a priority and in exchange i made you feel bad and unattractive that you no longer wanted to compete with the xbox and i took that as you no longer thought of me that way and i was a chore and didnt realize i was depriving myself and when i got the attention i didnt know i needed or wanted i got lost in it and did not think about the consequences or what it would do to you....
i dont care i felt lonely too i felt unwanted too i didnt cheat because i thought of everything i have and know if i open up i can get what i want . which communication is what he lacked he is fixing it now and got rid of distractions and were number one now and as far as the fat kid goes idk thats on him ..
im just done if this shit happens again so if he knows what was wrong good for him if it really is that or not im not holding my breath i cant tell the future he has always been honest he confessed right away and he never completed the act and she was pretty pissed about that and maybe a little cause he told her to get the hell out that she was a mistake ....
i guess what im saying is nothing is 100% like i once thought and the likely hood of him dont it again is lower than entering a new relationship and he sees my pain and hes been doing all the work while i make stabs yet he is calm and collective and reminds me how he is all in to making me whole again .....so im here for now til the next screw up if he learned then yay for us but if not well i guess he will be his worst nightmare (a part time dad)