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Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: Something weird happened - and why do I push???
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted about this guy before... same one that I have been "seeing" for 10 months. The whole FB thing was a struggle for me at one time, and there are other circumstances. However, over the last two months, we have gotten into a really nice groove. Perfect. It works. We are both happy with it... and content.

I have been shopping for new living room furniture. Went to the same store twice, and the salesman of course was all over me - wanting the sale... "make sure you ask for me" type of thing. I ended up ordering it through him, but over the phone so I didn't have to go back to the store a third time. Of course, he got all my information, and when I talked about the couch I was replacing and how it had come from the same store, I said it was my ex's.

My FB has been a little bit weird lately, showing some small signs of jealousy, but things I just brushed off.

Yesterday, I got a text from the furniture salesman, saying thank you for allowing him to be my sales person, he put some info in the mail to me, THEN "on a side note, if you'd ever like to get a drink sometime... "

Definitely took me by surprise, and I thought it was really funny. Over 10 months, FB and I obviously have become quite comfortable with one another, and we have and can talk and joke about most topics.

I text him telling him what the salesman said, and laughed... like LMAO who does that hahahahaha... expecting he'd find it funny as well.

Well, he didn't. Right away he text back and told me to send him the messages... (eh??). I did, then he asked what my response was. I fwd him that, which was "thank you I'm really excited to get the new furniture. I actually divorced over two years ago, and I am currently seeing someone, but thank you"

I really am not "dating" anyone, and FB and I are NOT in a relationship - as he has reminded me so many times in the past...

So then he texts "prove it... send me a screenshot"

WTF... JEALOUS MUCH??? At that point I reminded him of his own words "I don't answer to anyone" and "we are not in a relationship" and told him to heed them. He waited a while then sent me a smiley face. We talked about other stuff over the course of the rest of the night, and at one point I asked him what that was all about... he didn't reply.

I should just leave it alone. I think he has some feelings that he isn't ready to admit to, and at this point, I'm not even sure I'd want anything more than what we have right now. I would have several months ago, but that's all changed. I like how it is...

I did text something jokingly today... and he hasn't responded... it was "yesterday really surprised me... I think "someone" has some feelings :) "

Shouldn't push huh? Let it go, right? Not another word, right???

Of course I'm analyzing... it's what I do.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
hill
12166
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you want a relationship? Not with FB, I mean with someone else?

Is it an agreement that you don't see anyone else while you and he are FBs?

Or is it agreed that once you become interested in someone else, the FB part of the relationship is over?

I guess I'm confused why you would feel the need to tell him about anyone else, unless you have an agreement to do so or it gets to the point that you may want to be exclusive or intimate with the new person.

Or, is a FB thing all you want right now and you don't want to date at all?

Either way his reaction is yuck.


Posts: 3155 | Registered: Sep 2006
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this the controlling BDSM guy? Is he reacting to not being in control of you?

[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:09 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13862 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no interest in dating anyone right now, and am perfectly content with the current situation. I do have feelings for him, but I don't know if I'd want a "real" relationship with him.

The agreement is that if we begin to date someone, we end the FB. I would immediately, but who knows what he would do...

Well, I haven't heard back from him cause he was in a car accident. He just sent me several pics of his messed up car


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
redrock
♀ 21538
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM-

I am sorry If I am out of the loop. I thought you were detoxing yourself from this guy>... NC one day at a time. What happened there?

I personally think you deserve something more real. I get that there is a payoff in the relationship.

I think you push because you want more from someone who has proven he can't be trusted to give it.

I am glad you are keeping your options open. Hoping that you stumble on something/ someone more worthy of your attention and affection.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3161 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was... I did... I don't think I've posted anything since, so no way anyone would know I was still seeing him. It has changed a LOT since then, though... to give him some credit, he now gives me what I need. Like I said, it now "works" and I'm happy with it.

Would it make me happy to know he has feelings for me? Yes, of course. I'm human, and I have them for him. I know he cares - we've had that conversation and he was supportive through Bunt's hospitalization and other things that arise.

He talks to me a lot now, about his family, friends, and other things. We are just comfortable, and I although my ego would love to know he has feelings, I guess I'm not sure I'd need to know - cause don't know what I'd do with that info - if anything...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only one piece of advice:

Always have "feelings" conversations face-to-face.

Not texting. Not Facebook.

And one opinion:
You deserve more than a FuckBuddy.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
forced2moveon
♀ 12014
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just my opinion......

Putting myself in his shoes. I would think you were telling me about the furniture guys texts to try to make me jealous. Maybe subconsciously you were letting him know someone else is interested in you and he should step-up his game?


Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
Mousse242
♀ 6330
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things can happen if you push it. One is that he admits he has some feelings for you, the other is that he ends it.

Are you prepared for the latter of the two?


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There seems to be a lot of unconscious words and actions, like without really realizing it you want to see if you can make him jealous. Who knows why a woman would tell her man other men are interested? She wants h.im to really choose her.


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5899 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did text something jokingly today... and he hasn't responded... it was "yesterday really surprised me... I think "someone" has some feelings :) "

I think you're right. I'm not sure if it's the feelings you're looking for, though. I think he thought you were bullshiting and trying to manipulate him. Honestly, I'd take it that way if I was clear and I knew the other person wanted more.

If I felt someone was willing to do that I'd cut it off like yesterday.

I don't know the dynamics but he sounds very emotionally unavailable. Those individuals are no fun. I know this. I was one for years. Still struggle with parts. It's like dating a desert. No fun at all.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 12:46 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hurtinky
♀ 26152
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call BS on you saying you are happy with the way things are.

I also think it is really unhealthy how you get messed up with someone, end up not liking the way it is, but you stick with it and convince yourself that it is now working for you. Like the ultimate in settling.

Letting him know about the salesman texting you proves that you aren't ok with the way things are. Then you point out to *him* that it looks like someone has feelings.

In more ways than one, this whole thing seems manipulative and terribly unhealthy. Two people who can't get what they want, so they settle for what there is, then play passive aggressive games. It sounds like one great big mind game to me.

I think you need to detox from men, dating, sex, flirting for a couple of years.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, that was nice to read.

Definitely wasn't trying to make him jealous. I was seriously surprised that he was. I am at a good place and I think he is too. It isn't unhealthy or manipulative.

I'm not sure if he has feelings or not. I actually don't want to know at this point. I think he does - on some level, and so do I... and that's ok. They aren't overwhelming, the situation isn't hurting me, I'm very happy and content with exactly how things are right now in my life, and I hope they stay like this for a while

He came over Friday night - way after I posted this. He stayed the night. We had a great time together. He makes me laugh - a LOT... and that's a good thing. We had breakfast early Saturday, then he went about his business and I went about mine. We talk daily, and things are good. Sometimes I'm sorry I post stuff on here, but I'm not going to let it bother me. There doesn't always have to be something horribly bad in every situation, and what works for some can never work for others, and that's ok too.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Heavy Sigh
♀ 34243
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM,

You sent him the "someone has feelings message" as your way of fishing and i think, out of some hope that he would respond back that he does.

This means you aren't in a FB relationship. You're dating a guy you have feelings for, and are hoping he changes and will be your boyfriend and not just a friend you hook up with on occasion.

If he were a friend you just occasionally have sex with when the physical need arises, you would have never shared the email with with him, considered the furniture guy as a possible date, and would never have "fished" for FB to discuss feelings with you. Time to have the date-other-people-or-not talk.

Sorry - but it's how I see it. It's a less-empowering feeling to be in a relationship where one is hoping and the other isn't, but recognize it and maybe if your FB isn't committed, you should take the furniture guy out for drinks if he's single.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:46 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm figuring him out more as we go along. I am fairly certain, based on our conversations and the way he is, that his ex (mother of his daughter) cheated on him and hurt him badly. This was a couple of years ago, but I think he is gunshy and definitely not wanting to go down the serious road right now.

Contrary to what it "seems" like to anyone, that is perfectly fine with me. I am not looking for anything serious with him either. Do I like him? Yep... I wouldn't be hanging out with him the last 10 months if I didn't. Do I have feelings? Yep... I do. It isn't love, and it isn't something serious. It's comfortable and nice... for right now.

Do I think he has feelings? I do. Maybe I did want to hear that. In thinking it through, though - I think I'm good not hearing it. Because I don't want things to change. I like them just the way they are. I realize things will either progress, or end... and that's ok... not sure how or when, but for now... I like this


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
ninebark
♀ 24534
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Stupidstuipidme,

I do stuff like that all the time without fishing for anything. I tell my boyfriend if someone asks me out or hits on me. Like you we have a laugh about it, etc, usually because it is unexpected for the situation.

I would be taken aback by the guy who tells me that he doesn't want a relationship suddenly getting all jelous like that and I too would probably push a bit trying to figure it out.

I say do what makes you happy, if that means having a FB I say go for it

Just keep an eye on the Jelousy, that is a bit of a red flag to me. It may have surprised him too.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you... I agree; I think it actually did surprise him, and he took some time and "checked" himself before responding... lol.

Oh, and just to note, I have zero interest in dating the furniture guy... or actually anyone at all. I'm totally content for the moment.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Topic Posts: 17

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