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caregiver9000 posted 8/2/2013 14:17 PM

I don't like spiders. I don't "do" the whole spider thing. I don't like spider webs. I have matrix like moves if a spider web is accidentally encountered. (Yeah, kudos to the spider that thinks web spinning across the back door to the driveway is amusing.)

Last night, while sitting on the couch, arm on the armrest, feeling pretty at home in my castle... SOMETHING crawls rapidly across the underside of my arm. It was a definite crawl, not the "hmmm, I wonder if that is just a stray hair that is tickling my arm?

I am upright and off the couch in .023 seconds. Camouflage coloring the same as my brown striped couch did not hide the monster sized spider where my arm used to be!! Him being all still and "oh, I'm invisible even though I am the size of a dinner plate" didn't hide him either. Ok, dinner plate might have been him projecting his bad ass self or it could be the size of my horror.

I have learned the hard way. Once you see the spider, don't take your eyes off the spider! I order DS to get me a paper towel or something to kill the spider and my tone of voice commanded immediate obedience without the usual "don't kill it" sympathy for creepy crawlies.

Thank God for indoor plumbing or I would have had to walk that bad boy to the outdoor trash can.

ISPIFFD posted 8/2/2013 14:20 PM

*LIKE!*

itainteasy posted 8/2/2013 14:21 PM

I hate to tell you this, but you simply must burn your house to the ground now.

ISPIFFD posted 8/2/2013 14:23 PM

That's a good point... there is no such thing as only one spider.

Instead of burning my house down, I moved out, let the XH move in. Left lots of spiders for him there.

StillGoing posted 8/2/2013 15:27 PM

There was the basement spider I had to deal with but I found that one again, I just ran away from it.

There was a BIG fucking orb spider that had built a web between my passenger car door and the little dogwood tree next to our driveway, it was sitting there with it's BIG FAT SPIDER BODY hanging there and I thought, ha ha fucker, I see you. I will take the trash can around the OTHER side.

So I don't remember how I got distracted I maybe saw a boob on a magazine cover in the mailbox I dunno but I forgot to not go around to the passenger side to throw my shit in the car to leave for work.

I'm pretty sure the neighbors must have thought I had set myself on fire. Never found that spider, went the rest of the day on edge, just waiting for it to crawl out of my hair or something.

It is an excellent lesson, yes. Always keep your eyes on the spider.


ALWAYS.

lieshurt posted 8/2/2013 15:34 PM

So I don't remember how I got distracted I maybe saw a boob on a magazine cover in the mailbox I dunno but I forgot to not go around to the passenger side to throw my shit in the car to leave for work.

I'm pretty sure the neighbors must have thought I had set myself on fire. Never found that spider, went the rest of the day on edge, just waiting for it to crawl out of my hair or something.


I probably would have had a heart attack if I'd walked into the web.

Spiders and I have an agreement....you leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. It's worked that way for many years and I hope it will continue to do so for many more.

jrc1963 posted 8/2/2013 17:30 PM

I am the spider whisperer - I speak calmly to them and ask them to relocate to a more desirable (for me) location.

Then I destroy the web with a broom.

knightsbff posted 8/2/2013 18:09 PM

I love spider stories. They make me feel better!

Amazonia posted 8/2/2013 18:26 PM

I love spider stories. They make me feel better!

Better than what?

Unagie posted 8/2/2013 18:36 PM

So a spider pic here would be extremely inappropriate huh? Its okay I'll make my own thread.

Btw I run shrieking from spiders.

Jen posted 8/2/2013 18:56 PM

GIANT PSYCHO F-ING HAIRY SPIDERS !!! They descend on my porch every night !!! They are as big or bigger than a .50 cent piece ... And the ballsy bastards charge at you if you go to step on them. I quickly realized to step on these black op type spiders flip flops will not do, I will need steel toe combat boots. It is to hot for those here ...

so ...

They do not like it when you spray them with wasp killer ... They actually go quite psycho and flip flop all over the porch in some sort of death seizure ... Ever seen a flip flopping death seizing spider do all this on fire ??? Put a lighter in front of the can of spray before you spray ... Boy then they really get pissed ...

Oh course I have my feet pulled as high and far on my chair as possible, all while scanning for it's back-ups ...

By the way ... there is a such thing as a bird killing spider, yes it is actually big enough to kill a bird ... that pleasant little ad/link just went by on my FB page ... Not cool ...

I don't like spiders ... They freak me out and give me the hee bee jee bees ...

knightsbff posted 8/2/2013 19:03 PM

Better than what?

Better about my hissy fits when faced with a spider.

caregiver9000 posted 8/2/2013 19:11 PM

bb, fifty cent piece.... pffft. Did you not read my dinner plate size reference? One must trump my story with bigger and badder. The hairy aspect, check. But fifty cent piece???


NotDefeatedYet posted 8/2/2013 19:18 PM

Wolf Spiders are the best. You can put a leash on them and take them for a walk.

Unagie posted 8/2/2013 19:21 PM

Ever seen a camel spider? I don't know why I insist on looking up things that scare the shit out of me.

Jen posted 8/2/2013 20:14 PM

but a .50 cent piece of flaming psycho spider trumps your dinner plate ... now if you come back with a flaming psycho dinner plate spider ...

well ... the world is ending and we must stock up on canned food and water right away ...

caregiver9000 posted 8/2/2013 20:24 PM

How about the weather forecast "rainfall with a chance of giant spider?"

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504784_162-57590732-10391705/weather-is-rainfall-with-chance-of-giant-spider/

One more for our spider fearing club and with a good sense of humor to go along.

SBB posted 8/4/2013 07:26 AM

@StillGoing,

I'm pretty sure the neighbors must have thought I had set myself on fire.

Oh. Stop. My ribs!

Here in Australia the smaller it is the more dangerous it is.

eg. Huntsman's can be as big as your hand but are completely harmless. They are EVERYWHERE. Almost everyone has been in a car where one just appears on the visor. It happened to me on the Sydney Harbour Bridge

Rebacks and whitetails are teeny tiny and can kill you straight up. Nearly everyone I know has fount one under the toilet seat at least once in their lives.

Its still safer on dry land than it is in the water.

Orb Weavers are beautiful and make the most beautiful webs! I can't say I don't do the hot-potato, kid high on sugar dancing at a wedding jig when I walk into one but the webs are still beautiful to look at.. from afar.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 7:30 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

caregiver9000 posted 8/4/2013 07:43 AM

SBB,
That is horrifying! They just "appear" on the visor while you are driving? How many people die in single car accidents?

shuddering....

SBB posted 8/4/2013 08:02 AM

Nope - they hide in there while the visor is up, you pull it down and OhMyFuckingGodJaysusChristMutherFuckerAaaaaarrgghhhh.....

Oh, its just a Huntsman. Get it out of the bloody car!

When I was a teen my mum who was not born here and has a phobia for all occasions managed to stop the car calmly and get out.... in the middle of a bloody freeway.

The toilet seat is a far scarier place to be.

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