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Pain box popped open today

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ohiocarrie535 posted 8/2/2013 14:44 PM

For those of you who have read some if my posts...I have become very good at stuffing my pain away and ignoring it. Today it came out in a tidal wave of tears all over my WH shirt. All over a simple comment by him over me bringing up A when he's eating and ruining his meals. I sobbed so hard and long it ruined his shirt. He just held me and reassured me. My day feels ruined now. This is why I like locking things away.

LosferWords posted 8/2/2013 14:46 PM


learningtofeel posted 8/2/2013 15:22 PM

Sending all my empathy. This is SO HARD. FEELING is so hard.

I am thinking of it like "roofing" over a wound. If you don't keep the wound clean and let it heal properly you could allow a really lethal infection to grow under the skin that seems to be healing.

"The best way out is always through."

Hang in there.

TxsT posted 8/2/2013 16:07 PM

Learning...I like that post!

For me I learned not to hold anything in. It is the act have holding it in too long and living with what I call my mask on that brings on my floods of emotion. WH prefers that I bring something up now instead of holding it back. For the most part I try to do just that.

I am sorry you had a river of hurt this morning. Hopefully next time you may shed a few less tears..

(((big hug)))

sisoon posted 8/2/2013 17:57 PM

That pain coming out is you doing some healing.

Did he complain you ruin his meals when you bring up his A? I find that very disturbing.

ohiocarrie535 posted 8/2/2013 18:06 PM

Sisson- he just commented how I always seem to bring up A during his meal times. I was very upset! I started crying and told him how I'm sorry that my reaction to his having sex with OW is causing an inconvenience for his meal times. Of course he was immediately remorseful as soon as he saw he had caused me to trigger. But it was too late. I've been bottling things up for so long that it all came gushing out in a big slobber sobbing mess.

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/2/2013 19:25 PM

My anger came out the other night after having a few drinks. I know I hurt WS with my words - they weren't mean or name calling but just the truth slapped right in his face. I don't know how much better I feel, so angry still. :(. Hang in there!

boontje posted 8/2/2013 20:51 PM

It's great that your H was able to comfort you, but it concerns me that you are stuffing your feelings. Why are you doing this? Is it because he gets upset when you bring it up? Stuffing your feelings will do nothing to help you heal. I could write the book on how to keep thoughts and feelings bottled up. The only thing it has gotten me is a 2nd dday and delayed healing. Focus on what you need. Your H will just have to deal with it.

ohiocarrie535 posted 8/2/2013 21:25 PM

Boon- I'm stuffing my feelings because I don't want to talk about it, think about it. The A is just too painful. I think I will just talk about it with my therapist for now. I just don't feel comfortable sharing my pain with my WH yet. I guess I don't trust him enough to make myself vulnerable. I only shared with him today bc it just exploded out. I really hate having so little control over my emotions.

boontje posted 8/2/2013 21:44 PM

It's good you are at least talking to your therapist. I hope you will be able to open up to your H soon. You remind me very much of myself not so long ago. What really helped us was MC and my H reading "How to Help your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". Keep coming here for support. ((ohiocarrie))

hopefullromantic posted 8/3/2013 13:40 PM

Yeah, my WH used to complain that I would bring up the A every time we rode in the car together. It's a fact, I did. That was when he couldn't walk away, or avoid me if it seemed like I needed to talk. I was guilty of meal times too. Not my fault he made himself conveniently unapproachable at other times.

Emotionalhell posted 8/3/2013 13:49 PM

Sending hugs. I understand how the pain can come out from nowhere.

I needed this post .. I ignore my pain so often.. In fact I buried it for months after dday. That was a big mistake. Cause my fiancé thinks it is all in the past:( ..... For him butnot for me.

I find my pain comes in waves & I can't hold it back. I have started talking myself through it by saying it will pass.. You will feel strong again.
Unfortunately I can't count on my fiancé to hold me during one of my triggers.. He shuts down. So when I am having a wave or days of pain & he ask what's wrong I just say " I'm thinking to much"" or I have some buried pain that has resurfaced."

sisoon posted 8/3/2013 13:56 PM

Thanks for the clarification. It's a lot less disturbing than I thought.

I used to use mealtimes, too, BTW. My W never actually complained, but a lot of times she asked if I would put off my questions until she finished eating, which I usually did to some extent - IIRC, I definitely let her get several mouthfuls down before starting up again.

The 2 best times to talk are mealtimes and bedtime, after all, and both are inconvenient.

momwith2boys posted 8/3/2013 14:24 PM

I wish I can bottle it up sometimes. Instead, pretty much every conversation with WH is about the A or leads to a conversation about the A. I obsess over the A and any chance I get I end up throwing it in his face. I don't know how to stop. I hate this!!

LA44 posted 8/3/2013 19:54 PM

Your H is not asking you not to talk - just to do it at another time. If it is possible for you to talk after dinner and well before bed, great. But keep talking to him. As much as the A hurts - and we all know IT HURTS - talking to your spouse goes a long way in healing. My H saw my pain during our talks - and I saw his.

Take care ((ohiocarrie535))

ohiocarrie535 posted 8/3/2013 22:04 PM

LA- the thing is I don't want to talk to him. I don't trust him with my feelings. He was so depressed after I triggered this last time. And we are only 5 months into this. If he's struggling to handle my pain now, where are we going to be a year from now? I have no faith in his ability to stick with me through this at all.

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