WH started an EA one year ago. It started out as friendly and progressed from there. (If you have read "Not Just Friends" we are a textbook case.)
Our M was in sucksville, due to both of us neglecting it, money stress, lack of intimacy-both emotional and physical. We grew apart, and neither one of us was happy. We were not communicating at all and both went into our own shells. Basically, we were at the point of coexisting.
In January he told me he wanted a separation to "figure out what he wanted." I wasn't happy about it but knew we were in a shitty place so I could understand it. I told him then that I thought our M was viable but that we had a lot of work to do. I told him that I loved him and believed we could fix our M and have a better one. I told him that I didn't want a separation but wanted to work on things. He told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to fix things and that was why he wanted to separate. So in my mind, there wasn't much I could do about it. Can't work on a M if both partners aren't going to.
So we "separated" but not physically. I started looking at places to live but he didn't want me to move out-he didn't want me living in a shithole. He said as long as we weren't "at each others thoats" we could share the bills until we figured things out. At that time, I was thinking of moving back home (different state) and was looking for a job. My current job is unstable as they declared bankruptcy and I am in a niche field. I just was keeping an eye out on jobs and moving was an going to have to be option. I didn't want to move but if that was the only way I could have a job I was going to have to. We continued to basically coexist togehter so it really wasn't much different from the way things were before. In the beginning I didn't talk to him much and we changed the way we paid our bills to make it 50/50 but that was really all that changed.
In April WH told me that he was confused and thought that maybe a lot of his negativity was misplaced. A lot of our money stress was aleviated and he began to question if he wasn't "down on everything" due to all that stress. Now that he was feeling better he started to see things differently. Anyway, he said he thought he might want to work things out but wasn't 100% sure. We didn't really do much to R because I was reluctant to open myself up to a maybe.
Anyway........Dday was in June. blah blah blah-you all know the story. End of July he says he's "all in" for R. He says he is sorry, and feels bad for a lot of things. He answers all my questions and has initiated and kept NC. He seems to be genuine in wanting to R.
So here's the problem. He admits that the EA was an affair-but stops short of admitting the physical part was an A. He admits it was wrong and hurtful. He says he never wanted/wants to hurt me. He says he understands my pain. He says he wishes he had never met OW. He says he handled many things the wrong way. He thinks that because we were "separated" that it was ok. He asked for the separtation on Jan 1st-one week later he was fucking her. To me he asked for the separation to absolve himself of guilt and to give himself permission to do what he knew he was gonna do. He knew he was going to see her in Jan (she lives in our home state and he was going for a visit)and I think he wanted to open that door to sleep with her guilt free. This is our disconnect. And it's a BIG one. He can't feel remorse for something that he feels he was "cleared" to do. But at the same time he admits that the EA was an A and a betrayal. Could he be having a harder time admitting the PA to himself?
We have our first MC appt next week and will bring this up then but I was just wondering what SI's take on this is. I hope that MC will help us to come to a mutual understanding about this. If he really thought that he was "out" of the relationship then I can see where he may have been ready to move on but he should have told me that and been honest with me. He LIED about having feelings for her. He didn't say that he wanted a separation because he wanted to date another woman. When he said he might want to work things out with me (in April) he continued to talk to her and saw her once more and had plans to see her again until Dday happened. WTF.
I see this as infidelity. He cheated on me. EA for a year, PA for 6 months. No you get to ask for a separation and a "get out of jail free" card.
I just don't know if we will ever see this issue the same way. If we can't, I wonder about the possibility of R.
What say you SI?