My user sign signifies the victory custom built choppers made in the U.S.A, and yes I love these machines. However using this user name here on SI does not sound very profound and honest. I don't like it.
Polygraph test yes I will consider it as both myself and my BW do not feel safe with each other, no honesty met by me. I fell like I have hit a brick wall and no more i do not want to hide in this self pity and poor me issues. Right now my BW is hurting beyond recognition all because of my choice.
I read sorryww's profile and I could see and feel how much the pain was illuminated just to try and understand and answer those quistions why did you do it?
Why did I do such a thing by having an affair when I had my BW and my two boys at home longing for my attention. I gave my attention, time, dishonesty, deceipt, lies to someone else. My selfishness and my (me attitude) was all that I wanted and here was someone who offered it. But to make things worse before I had the arrair I treated my BW abusively by pressurization sexually and emotional abuse. I have been very empty inside all my life and wanted to fill this emotional tank. When I was not giving any emotions back to my BW and children thats when my BW started to withdraw in all areas. I realised something was seriously wrong and pushed more with the sexual gratification thinking it was missing something thinking somehow it was her fault and I blamed her for it.
I lost interest in my marriage as I started to see more disconnect and I felt a total failure in every area possible. It was only after d-day that I also started seing myself as a very weak, uneducated, irrisponsible moron who also did not know how to please my wife sexually.
I wanted to take power and achieve something in my life which also failed. Now the pain that my BW must live with because of my impurfect life is haunting me everyday now and feel terrified to face my BW. I understand this could be a deal breaker and that drives the knife even deeper. What about my BW pain, I have opened up so much and yet I feel it is not enough, I want to heal my BW pain and Im battling to find the right combination.
Just in need of some help anyone, Aubrie??? If you like to answer that be great.