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Its been around ten months since I last posted on SI, Ive had nine months of MC and still waiting for further IC to do with my past FOO issues. This evevning I was blasted by my BW, one detail which I lied about once again protecting what little I have left and not wanting to see the hurt and pain on my BW face as Im struggling to cope with my infidelity. Long story short, my affair happened around five years ago in which I ended up having a once off that I wish never took place. I admit it was my decision to do what I did and I blame myself 100%. Pure selfishness and destruction and immaturity was what I chose. The guilt and constant pain was eating me alive inside and to add other problems to my marriage I folded and wasted away like I never existed.

Im back on here hoping to find answers to alot of difficult quistions. My BW has gone one step further in finding out more information with divorce proceedings and so forth. I am numb at the moment and dont know what to say anymore that could make things a little easier and safer.

Ive been reading SI just lately and there is alot of new comers and reading there profiles brings me back to the day I dropped an atomic bomb on my marriage, 14 months ago. I have more that I would like to share as I seek answers to these situations aswell that I have but i will leave it for another day.

once again protecting what little I have left

What exactly does that mean? Do you feel like your W shouldn't be privy to everything ?

Did you ever write out a timeline? Are you hoarding any other nuggets from her for whatever reason?

I understand hiding things for fear. I honestly and truly do. I've done the same. Hiding to prevent another's hurt. Although it may seem like its the right thing to do, its not. I do understand the thought process and especially when FOO and no coping tools are a major influence.

However, our BS's are a hell of a lot stronger than what we give them credit for. Give your W the truth. All of it. Write out a timeline. Find a professional and well researched polygrapher and save up some dough to get a poly done.

Show her. I know it feels like you have cement poured around your legs and your struggling to walk. I get it. I do. Fuckin do it. Its tough as shit but you'll no longer harbor any more secrets and have a clear conscience no matter the outcome.

a little easier and safer

easy and safe are usually oxymorons in the infidelity world. Take the hard road - the COMPLETELY HONEST hard road - and the truth will set you free,
real safety comes from honest and trust. It usually isn't easy.

Do it anyway.

My user sign signifies the victory custom built choppers made in the U.S.A, and yes I love these machines. However using this user name here on SI does not sound very profound and honest. I don't like it.

Polygraph test yes I will consider it as both myself and my BW do not feel safe with each other, no honesty met by me. I fell like I have hit a brick wall and no more i do not want to hide in this self pity and poor me issues. Right now my BW is hurting beyond recognition all because of my choice.

I read sorryww's profile and I could see and feel how much the pain was illuminated just to try and understand and answer those quistions why did you do it?
Why did I do such a thing by having an affair when I had my BW and my two boys at home longing for my attention. I gave my attention, time, dishonesty, deceipt, lies to someone else. My selfishness and my (me attitude) was all that I wanted and here was someone who offered it. But to make things worse before I had the arrair I treated my BW abusively by pressurization sexually and emotional abuse. I have been very empty inside all my life and wanted to fill this emotional tank. When I was not giving any emotions back to my BW and children thats when my BW started to withdraw in all areas. I realised something was seriously wrong and pushed more with the sexual gratification thinking it was missing something thinking somehow it was her fault and I blamed her for it.

I lost interest in my marriage as I started to see more disconnect and I felt a total failure in every area possible. It was only after d-day that I also started seing myself as a very weak, uneducated, irrisponsible moron who also did not know how to please my wife sexually.

I wanted to take power and achieve something in my life which also failed. Now the pain that my BW must live with because of my impurfect life is haunting me everyday now and feel terrified to face my BW. I understand this could be a deal breaker and that drives the knife even deeper. What about my BW pain, I have opened up so much and yet I feel it is not enough, I want to heal my BW pain and Im battling to find the right combination.

Just in need of some help anyone, Aubrie??? If you like to answer that be great.

Get out of that ring of fire and talk to your wife. Even if you have to type her an e-mail. Write her a letter, hell, shut your eyes and talk. The important thing right now is getting it out, how you do it isn't what's relevant. It may seem cold or unaffectionate to do the things I suggested, but it's better than where you're at now. Fear has you pinned to the floor. Get the fuck up.

You mentioned the meaning behind your username. Think about this, when you got up the nerve to finally get on that bike and just fucking go for it, you were so glad you did it, right? Scared and apprehensive but you did it. The first few times were probably scary too but each time the scales started to tip more toward, "So fucking worth it!" and farther away from, "Oh God I'm gonna die!"

Also, you can't heal your W. You can work on yourself and become healthy and safe. She needs to work on herself as well and you both work on the M together.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 12:11 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]