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Picked up more stuff. SO wants to talk.

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burnt_toast posted 8/2/2013 19:34 PM

Today was a difficult day for me. I got at the condo to pick up some more stuff. All my winter clothers among other things.

It was hard.

Part of the idea of getting my winter clothes was to dent SO's denial. I can't talk to him about selling the condo if he's into hs own denial fantasy. Indeed, my mail was stuffed with little paper hearts and there was a note saying he'd booked a camping trip for us in a few weeks.

(ETA : I never said anything like the breakup was temporary. But I didn't lie either and told him it was hard for me and I wished things could be different.)

Tonight, I had a voicemail from SO, telling me, in an assertive voice, that we have to talk, that there would be no drama, but that I HAD to get in contact with him to schedule that talk.

I feel terrible. Rational me tells myself that we both need time to process what has happened today before scheduling that «talk». The emotional part feels guilty, like I'm protecting myself at his expense. That I'm a bad ex to leave him in the dark, that I owe him anwers, etc.

It's not like I don't want to give him no clue ever, but I'd rather feel stronger before having a definitive talk (yes this is a permanent break-up, yes, I want us to sell the condo). First because I have to feel it with my heart, not just with my head. I'm greiving, I still have feelings, and I fear I'll be sensitive to his pleas and demonstrations of good will to fix things (remember, I left because we're not compatible and because he needs to do his own therapy about FOO issues, not because he's a bad guy). I don't want to give in and do to him what XH did to me (false hopes and limbo and the rollercoaster untill he was strong enough to break it - this was the hardest part of the process).

Of course, I can't expect to fully greive before having that talk, but I'd like to be in a more solid place in my heart, so I can be clear and so we can both move on and get on to the different tasks we need to do to complete the seperation.

Sorry for being so long, but I'd appreciate any thoughts on this. Am I being selfish here for needing to make this on my schedule? I feel horrible right now.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 7:42 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Random thoughts posted 8/2/2013 19:45 PM

Please be careful because his sense of denial is frightening, you end the relationship and he makes plans for a camping trip.

Make sure you meet in public to have this talk. Something sounds off with his not listening to what your telling him.

Amazonia posted 8/2/2013 19:52 PM

I would email and ask him what he wants to discuss? Chances are he wants to try to reel you back in. Anything logistical can be handled via email; anything else doesn't need to happen.


burnt_toast posted 8/2/2013 20:01 PM

Until now, this is what has been keeping me strong. I see his denial as an extension of why we broke up : because he wouldn't be able to hear me when I expressed fundamental needs.

I don't quite get what's «frightening» though. I think it's just incredibly sad, for both of us.

ETA: Email sounds like a plan, just not right away. What I fear is that once I open the channel, communications will bounce back and forth, which I want to avoid at all costs. That kind of dynamics is too emotionnaly demanding and will result in me wiggling to absurdly justify something that simply is.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 8:08 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Random thoughts posted 8/2/2013 20:10 PM

I say frightening as in you're telling him that its over and him not even acknowledging that but making plans to go on a camping trip in a few weeks.

Like since he doesn't agree with the ending of this relationship, the ending is not happening period.

burnt_toast posted 8/2/2013 20:18 PM

Got it.

He's so sure he's gonna win me back, it is indeed, sort of scary.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 8:20 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Kajem posted 8/2/2013 21:57 PM

He's so sure he's gonna win me back, it is indeed, sort of scary.

Gently, it's more like he's not taking "I want to break up" as an answer. His denial is from somewhere. How fierce is he hold onto the fact that he is a good guy ? How far is he willing to

burnt_toast posted 8/3/2013 07:31 AM

How fierce is he hold onto the fact that he is a good guy ?

Answer : Very, very deeply. His biological father was a cheating prick who abandonned him when he was old enough to be fully conscious of it. He'd do anything not to be the same kind of guy.

As I'm typing this, I'm realising how much of this is about him and those FOO issues. He thinks he can handle them but doesn't realise some of his coping tools (such as denial when things get hard - when I was in a wheelchair, he took good care of me but never agreed to take a single picture) are destructive for him and those around.

He's good willed, but poorly tooled and not ready to see most of it, which makes it both terribly heartbreaking and necessary to leave him.

I just want to do what's best for both of us in the way I deal with this. I never left anyone before.

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