SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

sadandbetrayed posted 8/2/2013 19:56 PM

Its been 3 years, which is crazy in itself. Part of me feels like it never happened, part of me feels like it was yesterday. I have to say overall we are good, in a better place, moving on. I guess the reason why I am writing is because I was wondering if there is anyone else who has known for awhile and in R doing well but still gets hit with overwhelming sadness? I don't feel like I am angry anymore, not really. I am just sad. My heart is still broken, which I know is not crazy but I just wish I could get to a place where if I thought of this whole mess I could say "wow that sucked" and just think about something else. I find that when I am driving to or home from work I think about it the most. I can't help myself, and it breaks my heart all over again. I know I didn't do anything to cause this. The thing I have the hardest time with, is during that period my H didn't think about me, my feelings, etc. I don't think anyone who has an A and still loves/cares for their S thinks about them during that time. But how does that work?? I can't wrap my head around it. At the time we were together for 17 years and whether we had grown distant or not (we really hadn't more like just got caught up in life and kids, still loved each other) How do you not think of someone who you live with, talk to, sleep with, make love to, parent with, work with, vacation with, shop with, etc. etc. etc. I know all about compartmentalizing and all that but I just don't buy it. I don't know how you can convince yourself that your actions aren't going to hurt your partner, your friend, your wife. How can you be talking to your S and then have the OW beep in and not feel like OMG this isn't right, my W would not like me talking to this other person, my W would be hurt by this. How do you call your W on the way to meeting up with OW and not say WTF am I doing? I am going to hurt my W by doing what I am going to do. Those are the things that I can't move past. Those are the things that haunt me.

rachelc posted 8/2/2013 20:00 PM

Hugs to you!!!
I think it's the compartmentilization factor! The selfishness involved when one is in an affair is profound! Only thinking of themselves and getting their needs met. I know because I was there as a wayward!
Sometimes this thought helps me; what kind of pain would someone have to be in to do this?

LadyYoga posted 8/3/2013 07:03 AM

I feel the same sometimes too and agree with Rachele. I think of my H as broken at that time. He needed something to feel better and he made a very bad choice. I also have been lurking in Wayawrd Side a bit and surprisingly, some of it has helped me. You can get a glimpse into "what were they thinking". But truly, we can't know unless we are in their shoes.

sadandbetrayed posted 8/3/2013 10:59 AM

I know you are both right. I understand that on one level. Maybe it's my own personal way. I really follow the whole do to others as you would want done to you, and for me that is everyone but especially people I love/care about. I don't know how either one of them didn't put themselves for one minute in my shoes or OWS shoes. Maybe I'm a block head LOL UGH its frustrating because I tired of thinking about it. 3 years is a long time and many more to go.

struggling3 posted 8/3/2013 13:05 PM

Sadly, I don't have an answer to your questions. I can, however tell you that I feel every single thing that you mentioned....every single one. (((( ))))) hugs for us all.

so_lost posted 8/3/2013 20:47 PM

My FWH lost his mother and then started his affair. It was a complete escape from reality. A complete escape from the pain. He said he didn't think about me or the consequences of his actions. He actually did think about me but viewed me in a very negative light. I was a part of the reality he was trying to escape. He also told me he just got caught up in the affair.

I had the same questions as you for years. I may have them again in another few years. (I find this stuff rears it's ugly head for me with life stressors). The aftermath of an affair never really goes away. I will probably never see him the same way again...but that's on me. I think if you really put your mind to it things can and will change for the better. It's very tough mental work (if you have a very remorseful spouse)! I'm still working on this head of mine:)

what kind of pain would someone have to be in to do this?

It does help to put yourself in their shoes as rachelc suggested. I also try to tell myself that I'd rather not carry the baggage of being a wayward spouse around for the rest of my life. I can rest easy knowing I've never hurt someone the way my FWH has hurt me. I'm not disgusted with myself or ashamed of my actions. Hang in there sadandbetrayed!

dab110 posted 8/4/2013 23:23 PM

My D-day is around the same as yours, and I am experiencing a lot of the same emotions, so I am wondering if this is part of the process. I struggle with accepting how my H could do this to me as well. I don't buy all of the "excuses" either. How can you call me, talk about our days, make plans for that night, tell me you love me, and then go and cheat? It haunts me as well. It makes me worry that this is a dealbreaker. I worry that I will always feel this way, or that eventually I won't feel this way because I have bigger things to worry about. But that will never make this right. It's gotten so bad for me that I haven't had sex with my H in months. It takes too much "mental" work and I can't do it anymore.

karmahappens posted 8/4/2013 23:41 PM

Hi Sad

We are 6 years out this month. And this is how I feel now

I just wish I could get to a place where if I thought of this whole mess I could say "wow that sucked" and just think about something else

I still struggled at 3 years, 4 and 5 too. It's just been the last year things have just "gone away" for lack of better words.

I have gotten foggy about a lot of it. The pain is a distant memory and I don't think about it in a negative way anymore...it's just a few months out of our 25 years of marriage. It has it's own chapter in our book, but not one that defines us or makes our marriage any less. KWIM?

You will get there...just keep talking, connecting and healing.

(((hugs)))

m334455 posted 8/5/2013 01:02 AM

I realized that being happy is a decision, not a spontaneous feeling. And it's something worth working for.

Practice gratitude and forgiveness.

Remember the days fly by whether you live joyfully or ruminate on an unhappy past.

What's done is done and can't be changed.

You know who you are, and you know you have the strength to endure.

And that you have the strength to create the best life possible.

And have a sense of humor

[This message edited by m334455 at 1:27 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

standinghere posted 8/5/2013 05:03 AM

3 years and 5 months since DDay. 12 years since the affair, it was going on this time of year. I was being blamed for everything that was wrong in life.

I think about it every day, every night, every morning, and I'm thinking of it right now.

I can't wrap my head around it.

I finally just had to accept that I would never really understand what this was like. I'd had opportunities, never taken, but I could see and feel and hear the pain that would ensue (although admittedly I didn't grasp the severity of it by far until it was done to me). I could read, I could understand the concept, but not the feeling or lack thereof, of betraying someone that I loved and who loved me.

Trying to understand the thinking of someone who would do this, when you would not do it, it impossible. But, understand that their brain deals with this differently than you do. A psychopath, who kills and maims people, has a very small part of their brain that does not light up when they see someone in pain. This is known from active brain scans. Your brain (hopefully) lights up in that area when you see someone in pain.

Your WS (hopefully) is not a psychopath, but during their affair their brain didn't work like your brain does, probably still doesn't, and never will till they change their life consciously.

I know all about compartmentalizing and all that

No, you don't. I don't. We don't know what it is like to live that way, from day to day, month to month, doing it with many other things besides affairs.

Those are the things that I can't move past. Those are the things that haunt me.

You have to get to the point of realizing that "you can't make irrational behavior make sense" it is by it's very nature something that is not rational.

You just have to accept it.

That is all you can do in the end.

blakesteele posted 8/5/2013 07:15 AM

11 months out here...bit of a concerning thread for me, but I get it.

My wifes Mom passing was a turning point in our marriage. Other stress within our marriage played into this as well. I think it finally got so tough for my wife that having an affair was a real viable option. It hurts my heart to write that.

It hurts more to read the question above ...What kind of pain would someone have to be in to do this?...

God be with us all.

sadandbetrayed posted 8/5/2013 18:04 PM

Thank you all so much. I don't really post too much anymore or even come on the site all that much anymore.....except when that ghost comes and smacks me in the face and takes my breath away. Its comforting to know there is this support from people that really want to help.
So my H and I had a tough weekend, we lost a childhood friend unexpectedly after just seeing him about 30 min before he past. Our friend like us was in his late 30's...tragic! It made me realize I really don't want to waste my time in the past. I truly really want to live my life in the present. So I am going to work very hard at doing just that. I am going to love my H, I am going to love my children. I am going to be thoughtful to others and HOPE they will do the same to me and I am going to LIVE my life with no regrets! Thanks again