3 years and 5 months since DDay. 12 years since the affair, it was going on this time of year. I was being blamed for everything that was wrong in life.
I think about it every day, every night, every morning, and I'm thinking of it right now.
I can't wrap my head around it.
I finally just had to accept that I would never really understand what this was like. I'd had opportunities, never taken, but I could see and feel and hear the pain that would ensue (although admittedly I didn't grasp the severity of it by far until it was done to me). I could read, I could understand the concept, but not the feeling or lack thereof, of betraying someone that I loved and who loved me.
Trying to understand the thinking of someone who would do this, when you would not do it, it impossible. But, understand that their brain deals with this differently than you do. A psychopath, who kills and maims people, has a very small part of their brain that does not light up when they see someone in pain. This is known from active brain scans. Your brain (hopefully) lights up in that area when you see someone in pain.
Your WS (hopefully) is not a psychopath, but during their affair their brain didn't work like your brain does, probably still doesn't, and never will till they change their life consciously.
I know all about compartmentalizing and all that
No, you don't. I don't. We don't know what it is like to live that way, from day to day, month to month, doing it with many other things besides affairs.
Those are the things that I can't move past. Those are the things that haunt me.
You have to get to the point of realizing that "you can't make irrational behavior make sense" it is by it's very nature something that is not rational.
You just have to accept it.
That is all you can do in the end.