At the one year mark in June I felt good. I felt like we were on track and going back to the old us. But I asked if he still misses the OW/Ex-BFF? He said yes. Very rarely, but yes. And that part of him sees her as a good person who made a horrible mistake - like him. And that he wonders how her and her family are-hoping they are ok.
After that I've continued to plummet emotionally and mentally. After a year I assumed he would finally 'get it'. But at that moment it's like I 'got it'. She will be a ghost. A ghost I have constant memories of from the last 25 years. Who is now a part of my WH's past and holds a piece of history (and his heart?)
My WH is doing right-he's accountable, affectionate, open, honest. He told me he saw her recently and as he drove by as she stared, he completely ignored. But with every good deed I can't help but remind myself of the fact she holds a place in his heart I'll apparently never touch. He says its not like that and I'm panicking. And sadly I can see that too. I second guess my whole life. What tv show should I watch (what did she watch), should I like that shirt (would she wear it)? I have no idea who I am anymore.
Is year two a year of second guessing, sadness and depression or is my situation aiding in these feelings? I work hard at pretending happiness and normal. After all-no one knows of the A to protect her kids, my family and her H's family. (Small town). I feel I'm going crazy.