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Newest Member: danisisu7 (61142)

User Topic: Do you provide clothes for the non-custodial parent's time?
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I moved out, I left my XWH several outfits for several different seasons for the three kids. Obviously, they wear clothing over there, so there is some back and forth sharing of clothing.

However, XWH expects me to update their wardrobes with clothing when they outgrow what he has, and he expects me to send along extra clothing when they go on vacation with him on his time. Is this appropriate and reasonable? Is this what all of you do? He says that the clothing expenditures fall under the CS that he gives me, so I should be the one who provides clothing for my house and his.

How do I respond to this? If I'm wrong in thinking that he's responsible for purchasing clothing for his house/vacations, then I want to know, and I will continue to provide clothing.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
million pieces
♀ 27539
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both my lawyer and the mediator said that in shared custody, each parent is responsible for the clothes/toiletries at their own house. I've still ended up buying all the winter jackets and most shoes, but he does supply them with clothes. Things go back and forth and every few weeks we do a reset, mostly for my dd. My ds could care less about his clothes. But every once in a while I notice that I have all the sweat pants and all of his chinos are at his dad's and I send an email to him or wifetress and things get sent back. For vacations I've offered extra bathing suits.

This is the ONE thing that I think we've done well with

Me - 45
2 kids, 12 and 15
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
♀ 39891
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my kids pack bags for their time with him. I dont see the point in two seperate sets they have certain stuff thwy like to wear. Plus my tween wears bras. He does buy clothes and shoes and will do laundry so it doesnt all come home dirty. He has not yet taken them on vacation..I am not sure what would happen..

Posts: 213 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no problem with big ticket items-- shoes, winter coats, snowpants, that sort of thing-- but I'm supposed to pack for his vacation that I'm no longer invited on? I'm supposed to take his shopping list of what clothes he needs for his house and provide them?

Again, if I'm totally wrong here, I want to know. I just can't believe that I have to spend the next 13 years buying clothing for his time when he's got far more money than I do and an Owife with no job who can easily go and buy clothing at Target.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only imagine what kind of struggle it would be to get him to provide clothes.

Ex tried to fight me on having enough towels at his place for the kids! He claimed he "didn't have room" for 3 extra towels. Yeah his place is small but unless he was living in a cardboard box it's big enough for 3 extra towels and few toothbrushes! I pretty much had to refuse to keep packing them to get him to buy the bare essentials for the kids.

He's a jackass to the core and I'd rather just make sure the kids have the clothes they need by packing them than have them suffer through whatever bare-minimum arrangements he came up with as a passive aggressive comeback.

He throws it all in a garbage bag that the kids bring home with them. He doesn't even wash anything. I'm learning that when you're dealing with a first-class POS you have to pick your battles.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 11:31 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not. If he wants custody he needs to provide his own stuff for them.

Otherwise where does it stop? Do you provide beds, sheets, mattresses, food etc. etc. etc.?

He is responsible for all of that stuff when they are with him. Unless it stipulates otherwise in your divorce decree. If he wants you to provide all clothing then let him pay half.

I have 50/50 and we each buy our own things for them. I put his stuff in a plastic bag and return them to him when he picks up the girls and vice-versa.

I refuse to wash his stuff and I don't want him washing mine.

You don't give him lists of anything - he has to work it out. I would answer if asked but I'm certainly not sticking my nose into his business.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6004 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will because I don't want STBX to have anything to do with the way my children dress, particularly my girls. Furthermore, I do not want him to have anything to do with my girls undressing/dressing or trying on/modeling clothes for his approval. He's a pervert.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my kids want to take something specific they do. They have clothing at their dad's house. And he is very picky about the clothing being "dad's house" clothing. The kids hate it because dad's clothes are uncomfortable and focus on what dad thinks looks cool.

He can hit a yard sale.

Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
♀ 38541
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids father now have to provide everything that they need when they are with him. I got sick to death of swapping over coats, shoes, etc etc etc only to have things come back damaged, or not come back at all.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex refuses to supply anything. It was even months before he started to supply toothpaste & soap.

So now 2 years later my son still has to pack a bag of clothes to go each time and they send all the clothes back dirty.

Me: BW

Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.

Life's good.

Posts: 1530 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im on the other side of this spectrum. I buy clothes, sneakers, coats etc and he usually takes them home with him. I usually need to remind my XWW that he needs to bring stuff back. I personally find it petty to not have nice clothes and things for your kids wherever they are. Some of these assholes think they are spiting their Ex. When its really the kids who suffer the most. SMH !!!

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I give ex a bag of clothes for each kid every spring and fall. I dont give him underwear, socks or shoes. Just clothes and a couple pair of pjs. They are usually things from the last year that still fit or things that I've picked up at consignment shops that are used but still very nice.

I only do this because he is way too much of an idiot to dress himself most times and I don't want my kids to have to suffer through him allowing them to look like total slobs. Even with the bag of clothes, they look like wrecks half the time he brings them home. He rarely buys clothes for himself and sees nothing wrong with ripped t shirts or underwear that hangs by the elastic. Anything nice that he ever had was because i bought it for him. So, there's no way he would buy a wardrobe for them for his place. In fact, before I started doing this, he had to take DS to target to get a pair of pants. DS was about 7 at the time and dumbass bought him 5T pants. My son is very thin and wore size 5 at the time, but his father had no idea the difference between 5 and 5T. When I mentioned it, he said "I thought they looked too short.". Duh...

I suppose I also do it for selfish reasons. If I didn't, I know my DD would be wearing OWs kids old clothes and that ain't gonna happen. I also do it to make him feel small and stupid. I think a lot of men have enough pride to not accept bags of old clothes and go out and buy their children a few nice things for when they stay over. He has no pride or self respect and I guess a small part of me doesn't mind highlighting that once In a while.

The stuff stays there and they never come back with dirty laundry, which I would have just handed right back to him.

He took them on a vacation earlier this year. I let him borrow their luggage but didn't pack one thing and the bags came back empty. I wouldn't have gone that far.

Child support doesn't mean you still get to run around, buy all the supplies and pack them up neatly whenever he needs them. It is supposed to be so that the kids eat, and they have shoes for winter and summer, and they have school supplies, and live in a house with running water and electricity. It blows my mind when people don't get that.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3871 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we initially split, I sent along about a third of Teslet's play clothes. I kept the school clothes.
Since then, stripper whore has taken it upon herself to clothes shop for Teslet...sometimes with disastrous results. But whatever...that is between ex-shat and stripper whore. I collect the clothes and return them, they do the same for me.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning he lived 2 hours away, and only had every other weekend. The kids brought clothes. IF he bought anything, I think they were required to leave it at his house. He did the same for toys, etc.

I did draw the line when my girls were taking feminine hygiene products from my house to stock his. With 4 girls, he can stock his own house. The first time NW took the girls shopping for school clothes, she bought my 13 and 11year olds push up bras from Victoria's Secret. I learned my lesson then, NW has slut taste in children's clothing, why would I trust her opinion on My kids clothing.

When they moved closer the kids had their own sense of style. We both picked up what the kids needed or gave the kids money to buy IF the other parent was talk g them shopping.

The kids still take stuff back and forth-they have their favorite clothes. Laundry mostly gets done at my house. NW is particular about her washer. I guess I'm not.

The last kid is off to college in 2 weeks, we survived.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids pack a bag and take it with them. The clothes come home on Sunday. There is no way the their dad would make the effort to see they had proper clothing. And I'm not up for an argument with him every few weeks about who bought what clothes and to which house they belong.

After last visit, Lil bit told me I needed to get her some toothpaste for daddy's house. I told her that I buy stuff for our house, dad needed to get stuff for his. I haven't heard anything since.

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input. It seems like many of you are in the same boat-- you provide the clothing because your ex couldn't be bothered or would be content if your children looked like extras in the cast of Oliver!

You brought up two good points that I have to think about:

Could I trust the Owife (who would likely be the driving force behind any clothing purchases) to buy clothing for my children? I would rather provide the clothing than have my kids wearing outfits that I felt were inappropriate.

Would they bother to make sure that my kids look halfway decent? As it is, DD comes home from visitation looking like her hair hasn't been brushed in ages. Maybe they would be fine with letting my kids wear awful-looking clothing while her kids wear nice clothing.

Well, this isn't my hill to die on, that's for sure, so maybe I need to let this go and just keep providing the clothes. I control so little when they're at his house, but at least I can control their appearances somewhat.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:44 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I would send a small suitcase with my DS to his Dad's. Then the clothes would not come back and if they did they were dirty. The first year I went out an bought my son his required uniforms for school. The next thing I knew I had no uniforms and had to go buy all new ones for the second time. It was then I quit sending clothes with him other than what was on his back. I know he went to school more than a few times in dirty uniforms because XWH#1 not washing his uniforms. I had to make myself not care and told his teachers about the problem. They agreed for me to just keep doing it the way I was. Eventually XWH#1's mother bought DS clothes and started washing them. You have to put your foot down somewhere and I couldn't afford to continue to supply my son with two sets of clothes everytime the weather changed. I know one time the school called me at work because DS didn't wear his belt and had left it at his Dad's who now lived an hour away. I refused to take off work for a damned belt and they used a piece of rope. My DS never left his belt after that day.

BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 8880 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 8795
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bottom line is: you can't make him shop for them and buy appropriate clothing. If you don't send clothes, what will he do? Break down and go get some for them, or just make them stay in the same dirty clothes the entire time?

And, as you said, is this the hill you want to die on?

Maybe the best compromise here is this: let them (or help them until they are old enough to do it themselves) pack for their time with their dad. Make sure they know that they need to take what they are going to need for whatever they will do there. And that anything they leave will be something they will have to do without when they are back home with you.

(Obviously, you'll have to adjust how you do this depending on the age of the kids...)

And then just buy for the kids as you normally would. No buying for him... if he wants the kids to have clothes that stay there, he can buy them.

If you're feeling generous, you can let him know when you are clothes shopping for the kids, and offer to get what they need for his place too... as long as he gives you the money for that. And get the money first.

The amount of time the kids spend with the non-custodial parent is part of the calculation of CS. That means that he doesn't give you CS to take care of the kids for the amount of time he has them. Whatever they need during that time is (or should be) his responsibility.

I know having to pack every time they go with him might be a pain... but it's better than you having to buy two complete wardrobes for them. If he complains about dealing with them having luggage every time, tell him he is free to buy whatever he wants them to have while he's with them.

Posts: 2795 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
♀ 34517
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I provide 100% of the clothing for my kids. They overnight at their Dad's every other weekend and the only clothing they leave there are bathing suits, since he has a pool in his apartment building. He only recently bought pool towels for them; previously he was asking them to bring towels from my house. And sending them home unwashed.

He is convinced that his child support payments mean he should buy zero clothing. And he sends me snotty emails when he isn't happy with the clothing I send with the kids.

Also, although it says in our custody agreement that he pays for 50% of school activities, he refused to pay for the tuxedo shirt that is a required purchase for son to be in the orchestra. Apparently tuxedo shirts are "everyday" clothing in Ex's world?

Me: BW (52)
ExWH: (53)
2 teen-age boys

Posts: 327 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I pack a suit case when it is his weekend. He has toothbrushes etc. He washes their clothes and returns them. He doesn't buy regular clothes for them, but he has been buying things like shoes (which he sends back with them), uniforms for DS7, and I'm going to have him contribute to winter coats.

I view the kids clothes as theirs, so their stuff goes where they do.

BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 751 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 36
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