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WH and OW coworkers, prefer OW leaves

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ILINIA posted 8/2/2013 22:43 PM

When I met with the OW, she told me twice she's "likes her job, is good at it, and is not leaving." And that "no one needs to know" and also that I should "let it be, forgive, and move on". At the time I was 2 weeks out....not good advice from a 23 year old.

She moved from out-of-state for this job and has lived here one year.

Since they are only a few doors away it has been extremely hard for me to start R. My WH has done a good job of keeping all communications work related, but obviously, they have regular contact and meetings together.

With my hesitation to start R, my WH is pulling together a plan to leave his current job. I know I should be extremely happy that he is doing this for me, but in all honesty, I just want her leave the job and my town.

It is MY town. I have lived my entire life in this area. My family, friends, coworkers, current & former students are all here. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder at restaurants, the mall, festivals, or target seeing if she is here or not. I never want my kids to cross her path. I went to high school with some of the coworkers, many coworkers were at our wedding, and our kids play together. Granted, we will continue those relationships, but it kind of sucks.

At this point in time, no knows about the A except for my parents and a friend. I debate "blowing it out of the water" as I think it would be hard for her to stick around with everyone knowing, but I am assuming that would be a harder impact for us to take. I thought about telling a few key people, but who knows if it would stay controlled. And if I remain silent, she will be here haunting me. Heaven forbid she gets married and raises a family here!

And let me ask, has anyone blown it out of the water and felt it empowered them? Or does it have more chance to backfire?

Any suggestions?

summerain posted 8/2/2013 23:04 PM

Ooooh I have two experiences
Mine: absolutely worked, took about three months. Have no idea where main ow is! She's completely invisible. Minion Ow worked well

I got wh to blow it out of the water himself. Bit extreme but he confessed to 200 people some he didn't know! He had to perform as the top ranking student at his university as a musician and he wrote a song about it and then told everyone!

2nd experience I only say this for the co-worker part:I told wh (now ex bestfriend) gf about her bf cheating on her with the same girl. Needless to say it went really badly. They are in the same band and months later wh hates this guy complains about it on a daily basis, because of how the guy treated me when I told him I was going to tell his gf, he wants to end his band but so much money and time has been invested into it. Also it's just really fucked through and through.

Morale of the story: yes do it, but the first one was beautifully planned and executed, the other was not planned and went terribly.

DoneWithLove posted 8/3/2013 00:57 AM

I blew it out of the water like nobodies business! My FWH works with the exOW too, for the same company that I worked at a year ago for 6 months. So I know alot of people that work there that know both of them. I posted on facebook, I told both our families, friends, my ex co- workers/ his co- workers and he admitted and apologized to my family with me next to him.
Yeah he was mad at first but he knew he deserved it and that he was the reason he was put in this situation and branded a cheater. He cant blame me when people started spreading rumors at work weeks before he started his PA.
My suggestion, do what you need to do to make yourself happy. If that means outing him then do it to your hearts content. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 12:58 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Kelany posted 8/3/2013 01:59 AM

I did confront AP#3 (at the time I thought it was the only AP) at my husband's job after DDay#1 where he was actually her boss. She did end up quitting.

However, hindsight and all that.

I did not blow it up, and wish I had.

However a year later, actually a year and 13 days later to be exact, he blew it up himself by getting fired for sexual harassment for trying to pursue another affair partner who turned him in to HR. THAT is when I also found out about the other three AP's also employees.

Of course, by then, EVERYONE knew. I mean, he was fired for it. Kind of can't hide that right?

Anyway, to it was devastating at the TIME, however, it ended up being the best thing that could have happened to him because he hit rock bottom.

It's been one year since he got fired. He was unemployed for 4 months, no income (no unemployment either due to WHY he was fired). It was the hardest thing to watch, having him fall flat on his face. However, I wasn't going to "fix" it for him. He had to do that all on his own, and he truly has.

Looking back, even if I'd blown it up after DDay#1 I'm not positive it would have had the same impact as when he blew it up on his own. But regardless, having it blow up is, in my opinion, the BEST way to get that shit excised from your life.

ILINIA posted 8/3/2013 07:10 AM

I am impressed with how brave all of you are! My fear is that I will blow it out of the water and she will stay to prove a point. Then I have deal with everyone knowing!

I have thought about sending her a mature email, asking her to leave, so our family can try to heal. I would also mention that I am not going to protect her or him, so if she could let me know her thoughts that would be appreciated.

I am hoping she would take that as a signal, that I am willing to tell whoever I need to, but it also gives her time to prepare a defense which makes me nervous.

I wish SI had an article on "What steps to take to out the OW"!

SamanthaBaker - OMG you posted pictures on your blog! You are my new hero. Quick question does that open you up for any harassment or slander issues? When I met with the OW, I said that I might start a blog....

Knowing posted 8/3/2013 08:27 AM

If you expose the OW then either she will leave or she will stay, either way, everyone knows... I can imagine that the OW might stay "prove a point", but we are talking about messed up people here. She's almost as likely to run away with her tail between her legs, especially if there is no warning. If you blindside her she has no time to build up her defences or her excuses.

Kelany posted 8/3/2013 08:28 AM

Its only slader if the information is false. It isn't so...I have kept communication with proof where theyve admitted the affairs. I highly doubt they will come after me.

Why can't your husband change jobs?

Kelany posted 8/3/2013 08:30 AM

Nevermind, lol I haven't had coffee yet. I reread.

You could contact her, but I highly doubt she would care or move. And if you do give her a heads up, she has time to spin it.

DoneWithLove posted 8/3/2013 10:32 AM

I wasnt worried if either of them tried anything. What can they really do? Say "I cant believe she told everyone we're home wreckers"? Them feeling ashamed or being embarassed means they knew it was wrong. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 5:46 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Kelany posted 8/3/2013 11:54 AM

Exactly. I mean we can easily prove the affairs so sure, come after me. It hasn't happened and I've been blogging for over 2 years.

I did change one name and that was the one that turned my fwh in to hr for the harassment. She was a victim and I commend her. I'm thankful she had the courage to turn him in and help blow his lies open. I will protect her identity at all costs.

jo2love posted 8/3/2013 12:25 PM

Everyone -

As a reminder, please do not post URL's or the names of revenge sites. Feel free to share your story but no URL's. Thank you.

mindbody posted 8/3/2013 12:52 PM

I never spoke to OW after D-Day. She had worked with WSO and in the same athletic circle of friends. My lips were sealed and I was entrenched in NC.

I completely understand your situation and feelings about wanting NC forever. The turning point came when OW was not willing to adhere to NC, she thought it should be okay to remain "friends", come up to her old place of employment(where A also took place) and be in the company of WSO and me. OW was attempting to sign up with a mutual friend for a tournament. OW had minimized the extent of the affair to others, so these people thought it should be no big deal and that WSO was overreacting. He finally told the people who approached him that it's not ok, OW and he did have an affair, it was sexual, no intercourse. That was the day that OW must have realized WSO was going to tell the truth and continue to expose if she made contact. I don't think OW ever thought WSO would do that and now some people began to understand and accept what actually happened and our decisions.

We had already decided that we would leave if/when OW ever attends any places we are present. So I guess WSO blew it out of the water because it became necessary to take a stand for our R.

I wish you luck!

RockyMtn posted 8/4/2013 07:34 AM

She's 23. Is she married? If she isn't, people may not react all that "badly" towards her. She's young. People often write it off as dumb and a lesson learned. In other words, she may not be driven out of town by a bunch of people who hate her.

Bottom line is - you can't control anyone's actions. If you're blowing it out of the water to elicit a specific response from her - I would not do it. If you blow it out of the water because you think it is the right thing to do or because it would be healing for you or build trust in your relationship? Then go for it.

Sad in AZ posted 8/4/2013 08:24 AM

Don't contact; she will not have compassion for you or your family. You will simply be poking the tiger. You also don't know how others will react if you expose her--she may garner sympathy if you are perceived as the 'crazy' scorned wife.

This is all new for you; you should sit on any major decisions and give them very serious thought before acting. Remember-act in haste, repent in leisure.

Scubachick posted 8/4/2013 13:54 PM

I agree with Rocky Mtn. Because she's only 23, people may look at it like she was taken advantage of by an older, more experienced man.

Gottagetthrough posted 8/4/2013 14:15 PM

She is nothing to you. Do not contact her or try to engage her in any way. I say stay away from her, and encourage your to get another job.

Josephine01 posted 8/4/2013 17:05 PM

I would allow H to find another job and none of this is fair to you. What they both did to you put you in this position though. This girl is young and it seems not bright when it comes to relationships. Who knows what she might say or do to retaliate. You don't need anymore stress. She might leave on her own if she sees that H is sticking to NC and you don't give a hoot about her. No drama for her at this age might make her bored.

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