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stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 5:10 AM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
I know why would I want him int my life but still honestly I can't imagine not being able to reach out to him and share stuff. Now it's true I really haven't shared much with him in the last 8 months but forever . We haven't had a normal conversation in a while and we haven't actually spoken orally in a month on Sunday, we don't even really communicate any other method either. Some short texts about finances and that's about it.
However I still can't imagine after so many years that he will be gone even if he is now my mind just keeps pretending he's still there
I wonder if he misses me.
tryingagain74 ( member #33698) posted at 5:13 AM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley
Grace and Flowers ( member #34431) posted at 5:34 AM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
I totally get this. It's the weirdest feeling. It still feels weird to me, after more than a year.
(((((stungbytravel)))))
FieldsOfLavender ( member #39154) posted at 5:45 AM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
Stung, how long were you together? Do you have kids?
h0peless ( member #36697) posted at 5:45 AM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
Sometimes I feel the same way. It can be lonely. (((stung)))
SBB ( member #35229) posted at 6:44 AM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
Old habits die hard.
I had the same fear - it wasn't really scared of him not being in my life, it was more that I was scared of captaining my own ship - I was scared of my own future.
Scary can be good. I'm excited about the great unknown now. It took some time but I realised that nothing in my future looked as bad as what life would be with an unremorseful wayward. Nothing.
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
nomistakeaboutit ( member #36857) posted at 2:00 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
I do feel for you.
Since I don't know your situation, I'll share how I have handled this in mine.
All of the following have combined to give me some true peace about No longer being lovingly connected and together with the woman I married.
1. My xWW is not who I believed her to be. I now see her form who,she really is, not the fictitious person I created in my mind by projecting many of my feelings, hopes, dreams, priorities, etc., onto her.
2. She betrayed me.
3. She was not remorseful.
4. She negatively impacted the lives of our children.
5. Knowing what I know about her now, based on her actions, I would never have even dated her, never mind marry her.
6. The analogy I use when describing her A and subsequent lack of remorse is this: she shot me and walked away when I was on the ground bleeding, and she never felt bad about it and never apologized.
Why would I miss being with someone who did all of those things? I've been divorced for just one year now, and truthfully, I don't miss her.
Yes, I mourn the loss of who I thought she was and what I thought we had, but I have accepted that those images were not real. I am sad that we will never be able to do the things in the future that I wanted us to do, that I won't have a trusted companion, etc. But those dreams and thoughts were also, sadly, based on a false reality that I had created.
Very sadly, it's a bit like the line in one of Etta James' ballads, "I never lost you. You were never mine."
Me: BH 65.........Her: WW 55
DD: 15.......DS: 12. (5 and 2 on DDay)
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
tesla ( member #34697) posted at 2:28 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
I found myself wondering just last night if ex-shat missed talking to me.
Then I smacked myself upside the head and reminded myself of all the bullshit.
It's hard letting to of what we thought was there. All I can tell you is to keep reminding yourself of the reality. Keep leaning on your support system.
((((Hugs))))
"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear
stungbytravel (original poster member #37225) posted at 3:30 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
Thank you for all the responses.
Together 15 years married almost 5. No kids between the two of us but he has a daughter.
I do keep reminding myself who he is now doesn't even closely look like the person I married. And reality - it's constantly there so no need to remind myself. It's just so suprising.
mandan66 ( member #40075) posted at 4:59 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
(Stung)
Let me just echo 'nomistake' by saying my situation is very similar, and sometimes really struggle with the loneliness. But I try to remember it was a false reality I created, and it took awhile to create it. So, its going to take awhile to 'un-create' it. For me, thinking on a daily basis of building positive layers over all the past negatives that were accumulated, really helps.
Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13
laney57 ( member #35617) posted at 6:20 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
Stung,
Ohhow I feel for all of us. NoMistake said it beautifully and I hope that we can find his peace. Thanks nomistake.
Update 01/21/17
Me - BS, 46
Him - WH, 48
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Separated 03/2014 (he moved out of state for job)
Tried and tried and failed long distance 09/2015
Have no idea
Pippy ( member #16482) posted at 11:44 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013
stung, you have to be careful of projecting your feelings onto him. We all do this in the early stages.Hugs.
But I came to learn, my now ex doesn't have the warm fuzzies about me or our life together. He hates me for the support he has been ordered to pay.
If your WS felt the way you do, he'd be back with you.
[This message edited by Pippy at 5:55 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]
I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
jilted12 ( member #35640) posted at 12:23 AM on Sunday, August 4th, 2013
Just before I filed for D, I actually said to my ex that I couldn't imagine my life without him. And even though he was unremorseful & continuing to lie to me, at that point in time I really couldn't fathom the idea.
A year later & now I can't fathom how I so desperately wanted to keep an ass like that in my life. Give it time (I know, the dreaded "t" word) & I think you will find that you are so much better off without him. (((stungbytravel)))
Me: BS 42
Him: WS 40
Married 10 yrs, together 13
DS-9, DD-7, DS-3
D-Day 5/9/12, 2 days before #3 was born
Filed for D 8/12; D final 4/13
"I used to be married but I'm better now"
FieldsOfLavender ( member #39154) posted at 3:17 AM on Monday, August 5th, 2013
I think being scared is a normal response if you have been with a person for a long time. I felt scared of being alone, lonely without WH who is now STBX. It's been 15 months since I found out and I still cry, but I don't feel alone or lonely. The prick finally moved out 6 weeks ago. I feel at peace. With time, you will get through it.
PolyGal ( member #20396) posted at 6:42 AM on Monday, August 5th, 2013
I'm struggling with this too. We have a long history, and a lot of good stuff in our relationship in addition to the bad stuff.
I know however that during our separation, I've been able to have experiences and adventure that I would have never had if we were still together. And I know that I'll have more of that if I don't have him in my life.
I wonder what sort of arrangement we'll find, if any, to stay in each others' lives moving forward. I think I can see us as staying friends, though I'm not sure if he's able to do that. Either way, I know I'll be ok.
PhantomLimb ( member #39668) posted at 8:14 AM on Monday, August 5th, 2013
stung, you have to be careful of projecting your feelings onto him. We all do this in the early stages.Hugs.
But I came to learn, my now ex doesn't have the warm fuzzies about me or our life together. He hates me for the support he has been ordered to pay.
^^ ugh. I'm terrified of this.
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