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heathenchristian posted 8/3/2013 00:04 AM

I really don't want the details. I do have specific questions that I'd like him to answer though.

I'm only 2wks since Dday come Sunday.

Did you get all the details.

I've been reading a book & it discusses the bs getting all the details so they can work through the issues.

I think details of their sessions are going to make it harder to deal with.

If/when we start mc I don't want to discuss that. I want to discuss how we can move forward.

I'm not sweeping it under the rug. I just don't need all the dirt.

The will be very little chance of him seeing ow since he switched he shift @work starting Monday. She can't switch hers. He told her nc. No nothing anymore.

He seems very excited to be able to be home & spending more time w/us.

Tearsoflove posted 8/3/2013 01:34 AM

People are different. Not everyone needs detail. It's perfectly acceptable for you to only ask for as much detail as you feel you need.

Kelany posted 8/3/2013 02:06 AM

Everyone is different in what they need to know.

For me, I need to ruminate on things, I need to have all the puzzle pieces so that I can come to a point of acceptance.

Plainly put? I needed to know all the details. And I mean all. Positions, grooming habits, discussions, blah blah blah.

It hurt terribly to hear it all, but I had to. I felt like I couldn't move forward in my healing process until I knew what I needed to heal FROM.

What2Thnk posted 8/3/2013 02:48 AM

I also wanted all the details. Not everyone does. One thing to beware of though is that your WS may not want to face all of the things he did, so often asking for details this early on leads to more lies, more TT, and a lot of 'I don't remember.' Be prepared for that, and don't put up with it. Get what you need if you can.

Another thing: Establish with your WS that you can ask as much as you want, as often as you want. There shouldn't be a time limit, or a limit to the number of times you can ask. You may have trouble remembering what your WS tells you, you may want to ask multiple times because your instincts are telling you that something is off about his story. Listen to your instincts. Don't drive yourself crazy but don't allow yourself to be bullied, intimidated, lulled or persuaded to drop your need to question what happened until you are ready.

Over time your questions will change, keep asking what you need to. Make sure your WS understands that you will need to ask a LOT of questions, you might need to ask the same questions different ways, and you will be asking questions for a long time.

Don't be ashamed of your need to know, or not to know whatever level of detail you decide you need. Don't be afraid to say you don't want that detail now, and then decide you do want it later. Don't let your WS tell you that because you didn't ask for it at first, it's off the table later. Get what you need, when you need it.

Remind yourself that at a core level you are dealing with a trauma. The ways our brains deal with trauma are complex. We can't rush or direct how we process it, no matter how much we wish we could. Be careful to let yourself have the time and space to do this processing. If you don't, you won't be able to heal.

And something else. Sometimes us BS's want to believe we are seeing an aberration, not insight into our WS's character. I get, really deeply get, the desire to move forward. And everyone's situation is different, but if I hadn't tried to rush it, hadn't tried to just move forward without really dealing with the details, and all the reasons why the first A happened, it's possible that after my first D-day, there wouldn't have been another (and another).

[This message edited by What2Thnk at 2:50 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/3/2013 03:42 AM

I'd also like to add when the spouse hears themselves telling their spouses of the horrible things they've done, it helps them to see just how awful they were....sometimes. The unknown is a lot more glamorous than the truth.

Scubachick posted 8/3/2013 04:30 AM

I need to know everything and I need to understand it. I wish I didn't.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/3/2013 07:58 AM

I think it depends on what kind of details..

We had 1 month of false R after D-Day and then separated, so I didn't spend too much time with this, so take it for what it's worth.

I didn't ask too many sexual details. I guess just the basics in the beginning.

I think the details that were more important were about the lying and manipulation. Like what did you say to her when we went on vacations? How did you find time for her? What did you tell me you were doing? How did you guys handle holidays (like her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's, etc.)

I think these details are necessary for you to ask and him to answer. He has to figure out his why's of how he was able to do this to you so he doesn't do it again.. I know you want to move forward, but he's going to have to spend some time realizing and facing what he did..


betrayedbyluv posted 8/3/2013 08:26 AM

I NEEDED details, I still don't feel I got the whole story because I get a lot of "I don't know" and "I don't remember". I cannot tell you how sick I am of those 2 phrases.

If you don't feel you need the details then don't ask for them. Everyone is different and you have to do what is best for you!

TxsT posted 8/3/2013 08:32 AM

I got every last was hard but I simply couldn't move on until I knew what I was up against. Please note the my hubby's A was 4 years long with the same OW.

I am a worrier and until I had everything the panic attacks and the bad dreams didn't stop.


TxsT posted 8/3/2013 08:35 AM

Yes details make the mountain taller....if you are not sure you want all of it then take your questions, write them down and ask for answers, proper answers.

Only you can know how much you want to know and how high your mountain can be. But know this....the info will slowly come out and I found it better that I did know before things popped up so I could deal more constructively when they triggered that horrible wall of emotions that come in their wake.


painpaingoaway posted 8/3/2013 08:38 AM

If you don't want the details, that's fine, but I do think you need certain details in order to protect yourself from STD's. For example, unprotected anal sex with an OP that was a swinger, etc..

fadingmemories posted 8/3/2013 09:12 AM

The details hurt but I needed them. I also needed to see the pain in his face as he had to tell them to me. It was hard for both of us but it was therapeutic. Sending you strength, you are in the worst time....chin up. It does get better....

keptmypromise posted 8/3/2013 09:26 AM

Beware. Cheaters lie. First ask yourself if you will believe the answers to your questions. I wrote my wife a letter that was 15 pages long, filled with very specific questions dealing with eveything including intimate sexual questions. She never did answer the questions, which to this day (2 years later), I can only accept because by not answering...she was telling me just how nasty and far it I couldn't believe her to be 100% honest. The TT waywards often lay out is torture. If you ask the questions, be certain you can believe the answers 100%. If not, you set yourself up for even more pain.

heathenchristian posted 8/3/2013 11:29 AM

I'm sure I'd get I don't know or don't remember. I also know that he never has problems disclosing any details. I've heard all about past sex encounters with past girlfriends. Which I've never asked to.
He doesn't seem to have a filter on some things.
I have told him this in the past. I never disclosed any details about past relationships.
I think that knowing too much will hurt way too much and it will take longer to heal.
I don't want to rush healing either.
I was on the path to being a better me before D-Day. I had been depressed and sluggish. One day I said no more and starte doing things for me. I've kind of been stopped in my tracks to deal with this now. I want to get back to me. I think the only way I can handle the R is if I work on me and he needs to work on him....BIG TIME. He has too many issues but has said he doesn't want to change some of the things or give up some of them. Nothing to do w/OW.

Since he will be home more often, I will need to discuss this with him and hopefully if he has any desire to save us or have any feelings towards me he will understand. Otherwise I will just need to keep moving forward and he will have to catch up or I will have to leave him behind. I can't live like this anymore. I need to be healthy physically and mentally.

Lots of love and prayers to all of you going through this and thanks for the kind, caring and honest thoughts/advice.

Gemini71 posted 8/3/2013 11:52 AM

I'm only a week out from D-Day an just coming out of denial (that stage when you're waiting to hear 'April Fools' and have it all be a bad joke). As I'm progressing through my recovery, I find that I'm being haunted more and more by questions. I've told my WH that at some point I will need all the details, all of my questions answered, but it will probably be better if that occurs in a MC session, so I can have support dealing with it. He's fine with that since, he isn't ready to give details yet, and I'm not yet ready to hear them. If you don't want detail now, fine. If you get to a point when you need them, fine. If you never need them, fantastic, I wish I could be like that too. Now is the time to be selfish, and do what it right for you. Good Luck.

ArableSands posted 8/3/2013 12:59 PM

Get them only if you feel you need them. I needed to understand limits, not specific acts, from my WW.

The physicality doesn't bother me anywhere as much as the shared intimacy. That's what I focused on. Do what works for you, and don't ever think you're being crazy. You're responding to a horrible trauma.

ArableSands posted 8/3/2013 13:01 PM

That's interesting Gemini. I'm into week 5 from DDay and I might be past Denial and Bargaining, probably because I suspected something was going on for weeks but squashed it.

Did Anger for 3 weeks, and still bounce back to it. I'm full on in the pain and Depression phase now. Which as you all well know is indescribably awful.

brainless twit posted 8/3/2013 22:58 PM

The first time around, I wanted all the details. ALL of them. And I'm still convinced that most of what I got wasn't the whole truth.

This time I really don't want to know - I know enough to make me absolutely sick, and I think my heart just can't take it again. I will say that the mind movies are just as bad not knowing as they are knowing. It doesn't help either way - it's still going to be the worst pain of your life.

If you need to know, you deserve to know. Period. But if you just want to move forward, that's your right. Hugs to you!

Daisy312 posted 8/3/2013 23:54 PM

You have to go with how you feel. I needed the details. I have asked every possible thing I could think of. I'm glad I did because my mind movies were much more than it really was. I found it helpful, but you may not. I will warn you though. The more you know the more triggers you might have. I'm almost 11/2 yrs past Dday, and it's getting easier but in the beginning I couldn't walk outside without triggering!

Odek posted 8/4/2013 03:55 AM

I needed to know all of the details, otherwise I'd obsess and construe it to mean she was hiding things if I didn't. She was reluctant to part with certain bits of information though, and still is - I still don't believe that she kept it all out of our bedroom, and exclusive to the living room.

But I will warn, it's the mental images, and increased sense of being betrayed that keeps me awake at night, or makes me burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

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