I'm only 2wks since Dday come Sunday.
Did you get all the details.
I've been reading a book & it discusses the bs getting all the details so they can work through the issues.
I think details of their sessions are going to make it harder to deal with.
If/when we start mc I don't want to discuss that. I want to discuss how we can move forward.
I'm not sweeping it under the rug. I just don't need all the dirt.
The will be very little chance of him seeing ow since he switched he shift @work starting Monday. She can't switch hers. He told her nc. No nothing anymore.
He seems very excited to be able to be home & spending more time w/us.
For me, I need to ruminate on things, I need to have all the puzzle pieces so that I can come to a point of acceptance.
Plainly put? I needed to know all the details. And I mean all. Positions, grooming habits, discussions, blah blah blah.
It hurt terribly to hear it all, but I had to. I felt like I couldn't move forward in my healing process until I knew what I needed to heal FROM.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Another thing: Establish with your WS that you can ask as much as you want, as often as you want. There shouldn't be a time limit, or a limit to the number of times you can ask. You may have trouble remembering what your WS tells you, you may want to ask multiple times because your instincts are telling you that something is off about his story. Listen to your instincts. Don't drive yourself crazy but don't allow yourself to be bullied, intimidated, lulled or persuaded to drop your need to question what happened until you are ready.
Over time your questions will change, keep asking what you need to. Make sure your WS understands that you will need to ask a LOT of questions, you might need to ask the same questions different ways, and you will be asking questions for a long time.
Don't be ashamed of your need to know, or not to know whatever level of detail you decide you need. Don't be afraid to say you don't want that detail now, and then decide you do want it later. Don't let your WS tell you that because you didn't ask for it at first, it's off the table later. Get what you need, when you need it.
Remind yourself that at a core level you are dealing with a trauma. The ways our brains deal with trauma are complex. We can't rush or direct how we process it, no matter how much we wish we could. Be careful to let yourself have the time and space to do this processing. If you don't, you won't be able to heal.
And something else. Sometimes us BS's want to believe we are seeing an aberration, not insight into our WS's character. I get, really deeply get, the desire to move forward. And everyone's situation is different, but if I hadn't tried to rush it, hadn't tried to just move forward without really dealing with the details, and all the reasons why the first A happened, it's possible that after my first D-day, there wouldn't have been another (and another).
[This message edited by What2Thnk at 2:50 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]
We had 1 month of false R after D-Day and then separated, so I didn't spend too much time with this, so take it for what it's worth.
I didn't ask too many sexual details. I guess just the basics in the beginning.
I think the details that were more important were about the lying and manipulation. Like what did you say to her when we went on vacations? How did you find time for her? What did you tell me you were doing? How did you guys handle holidays (like her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's, etc.)
I think these details are necessary for you to ask and him to answer. He has to figure out his why's of how he was able to do this to you so he doesn't do it again.. I know you want to move forward, but he's going to have to spend some time realizing and facing what he did..
If you don't feel you need the details then don't ask for them. Everyone is different and you have to do what is best for you!
I am a worrier and until I had everything the panic attacks and the bad dreams didn't stop.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Only you can know how much you want to know and how high your mountain can be. But know this....the info will slowly come out and I found it better that I did know before things popped up so I could deal more constructively when they triggered that horrible wall of emotions that come in their wake.
Since he will be home more often, I will need to discuss this with him and hopefully if he has any desire to save us or have any feelings towards me he will understand. Otherwise I will just need to keep moving forward and he will have to catch up or I will have to leave him behind. I can't live like this anymore. I need to be healthy physically and mentally.
Lots of love and prayers to all of you going through this and thanks for the kind, caring and honest thoughts/advice.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
The physicality doesn't bother me anywhere as much as the shared intimacy. That's what I focused on. Do what works for you, and don't ever think you're being crazy. You're responding to a horrible trauma.
Did Anger for 3 weeks, and still bounce back to it. I'm full on in the pain and Depression phase now. Which as you all well know is indescribably awful.
This time I really don't want to know - I know enough to make me absolutely sick, and I think my heart just can't take it again. I will say that the mind movies are just as bad not knowing as they are knowing. It doesn't help either way - it's still going to be the worst pain of your life.
If you need to know, you deserve to know. Period. But if you just want to move forward, that's your right. Hugs to you!
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
R Began (again) 5/03/14
But I will warn, it's the mental images, and increased sense of being betrayed that keeps me awake at night, or makes me burst into tears at the drop of a hat.