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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Heartbroken for my daughter
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im not sure if this is the right forum...

My fwh is moving to his new apartment next weekend. In the meantime, he's been staying elsewhere although he's been here at the house too.

Our daughter, who is almost 6, has picked up that something isn't right. She's been asking for daddy at night when she knows he should be home. Tonight she was begging for him and I finally broke down and told her what was going on - with my H on the phone.

She burst into tears and then gut wrenching sobs, and just kept saying she wanted daddy home. When she realized he was actually going to be living somewhere else and not just "staying" there, she really lost it. Then she said "doesn't he need his stuff?" so I explained that he would be moving some stuff and talked about the furniture he was taking and my sweet little girl said:

"I don't care about any of the stuff. I just want daddy."

Gah. My heart is breaking for her. And her baby brother who won't ever know any different.

I know I need to follow through with the separation. But all I want to do right now is give my kids their family back. Starting to wonder if picking my happiness over my kids happiness is really worth all of this.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((MAMA))))))
(((((YOUR BABY GIRL))))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Trytoletgo
♀ 33190
Member # 33190
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending big hugs!!!!!!


BS(me) 34, amazing son age 2
WH separates on my first Mother's Day 2011, marries OW August 2012. DDay May 1, 2012.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sparkles
♀ 39901
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. That is heart wrenching. I'm so sorry. ((918mama))

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't waver. I am going to assume you made the choice to separate for good reasons and did not make that choice lightly. Now you need to believe that your thinking and choosing was sound.

Your DD needs you to as well. You have done the hard part by telling her. Follow through with confidence. She will follow your lead. If you walk strong and grieve appropriately she will too. She needs to trust you and to trust that you did this and all hard things for the right reasons. She does not need to believe that her tears or temper tantrums will get her what she wants.

Believe in yourself and this difficult path and your children will follow.

(((((hugs)))))) it is hard but you will make it.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5906 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Starting to wonder if picking my happiness over my kids happiness is really worth all of this.

No - do not do this to yourself. It isn't just about you being 'happy' - you would do them a disservice by remaining unhappy.

These unremorseful waywards picked their happiness over their kids wellbeing and continue to do so well after S/D.

At first I stayed for the girls but in the end I had to walk away for the girls.

I did not want to model any of that shit for them. I did not want them to watch what I had watched as a child. I tolerated it for myself - when I realised they were tolerating it too was the point that it became intolerable to me.

She is afraid of change, she is fearful - all of our kids are. CG is right, how you deal with your own grief will impact how she deals with hers.

If she is not in IC you need to get her into one ASAP. I've been using all of the free resources to learn different 'right' words and play therapy to help them and me through this.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to ask myself "Do I want my children to learn this is the treatment they can expect when they become a wife and mother?"

The answer was and still is "NO" .

She will be ok, You will make sure of it-without sacrificing your happiness.

Hugs

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
FieldsOfLavender
♀ 39154
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out around the same time you did, in May 2012. I have a dd who is 7.

On the one hand you can try to tolerate the infidelity and stay together for the kids but what kind of modeling are you showing your children? Do you want your dd to think this is normal and be a doormat to her significant other when she is older?


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((918Mama and kids)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3641 | Registered: Oct 2011
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ladies so much. You have no idea how much I needed the love and encouragement last night/this morning!!

Of course, everything looks better with the new daylight and I'm in a better place. Just horribly, horribly sad. My fwh isn't unremourseful and he is fully committed to doing anything to make this work. There was just SO much infidelity that I feel like it permanently broke the part in me that could forgive and move forward. I don't hate him. He is a great father. And god knows we've done our share of hurting each other. I did want to really lash out at him last night when my daughter was hurting so bad but I managed to keep it together, and mean thoughts to myself. I guess that means I'm growing?

Anyway...you're right CG that I didn't reach this decision lightly and I need to remember this:

She needs to trust you and to trust that you did this and all hard things for the right reasons. She does not need to believe that her tears or temper tantrums will get her what she wants.

But it is so. Freaking. Hard!!!

And SBB...yes I think you are right about the therapist. My h and I both go but we probably should have her talk to someone as well. One more thing...


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((918Mama)))

Glad it looks a little better in the light of day. Glad you checked in. Been thinking of you.

That moment is one I will never forget and I know the pain. It is hard!!

Parenting: it ain't for sissies!

You're doing good Mama.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5906 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Coraline
♀ 36434
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt the same way when we told my daughter, who was 8 at the time. I thought I'd rather stay married to this husband who hates me than see her in that much pain. It was awful. But the shock eventually wears off, and things get easier for everyone. Now my daughter seems like she's accepted it, and she isn't coming through unscathed, but she's dealing. She needs IC, IMO (which she hasn't had because...long story, but I want her in and insurance pays 100%, but there have been issues) but she's making it. Your dd will make it, too.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was just SO much infidelity that I feel like it permanently broke the part in me that could forgive and move forward.

Infidelity ends marriages. He knew that before he cheated

This is a dealbreaker - plain and simple. It is not your fault that this is a dealbreaker. It is not your fault that there have been multiple affairs. None of this is your fault.

I find it hard to believe that someone who would have repeated affairs would be remorseful - they all feign remorse when we're D.O.N.E.

It still sucks hard. Aesir said it best when he said it is enormously difficult to not attempt R with what appears to be a remorseful WS.

I found it hard too - until a few months after S when I realised the remorse was totally false. There is no venom in true remorse, whether in R or S/D.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB...this:

There is no venom in true remorse, whether in R or S/D.

Wow. So right. Might have this tattooed on my body. Thank you!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no venom in true remorse...

WORD!!!

This caught my eye. You can really testify TRUTH when you BTDT. Just Sayin'


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 15

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