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Is it a matter of time?

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ItsaClimb posted 8/3/2013 02:39 AM

I am struggling to feel emotionally connected to fWH when we are physically intimate, not only during sex, but even the act of cuddling together, holding hands, any physical manifestation of our love. It's not that I don't enjoy physically touching or holding my husband, I do, I totally enjoy it, it's just that I don't attach emotional significance, or meaning to it.

This morning fWH and I were snuggling on the bed after we woke up, he was lying there saying "I love you more than anything in the whole world" as he stroked my hair - before that would have been a deeply emotionally connected moment and I was lying there feeling... nothing....nada...zilch. I was enjoying the warmth and cosiness of snuggling up in bed, but there was no emotional meaning to it at all.

I told him how I was feeling, wondered aloud whether over time I would feel that emotional connection in that way again. I could see how it hurt him that he was feeling such deep emotional connection and I felt nothing.

We explored it for a long time and I figured out that although I believe fWH genuinely loves me, I feel that love when we are talking about our relationship, reading an infidelity related book together, cooking together, laughing about something one of our daughters has done etc - those are all things he didn't do with OW. When we are doing things he DID do with OW - eg cuddling, sex, holding hands then I feel no emotional connection whatsoever.

It's like a penny dropped for me when I figured that out. It explains why I don't get really upset, the way some people do, when having sex - for me it is just a physical act. It's pleasurable, exciting, physically fulfilling, but there are no emotions involved. How sad is that?!

When we talked further this morning, trying to establish why I feel this way, I figured out that it's because those physical acts lost their value when he shared them with OW. BEFORE OW he would lie on the bed with me, stroking my hair, telling me how much he loves me etc etc. A few months later he would lie with OW on the bed at her house, stroking her hair, telling her how much he loved her. NOW he is lying on the bed with me, stroking my hair, telling me how much he loves me.... That act has NO VALUE. It is simply what he does with the woman he is with at that particular time. Same with any number of other acts that he did with me - then OW - now me again. How can I value those things when I know he did it with me BEFORE OW, with OW DURING the A and now with me again AFTER OW?

I so badly WANT to be able to feel a deep emotional connection with fWH at times like these. I feel it is something really significant that has been stolen from me and I want it back!

I would so appreciate input from those who are in the same position and especially from those who have managed to get past this stage. Is it, like so many other aspects of this, simply a matter of time?

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 2:42 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 8/3/2013 10:01 AM

I'm sure it's very common to lose that connection to things that were done with others, but I can assure you that it's possible to get that back!

I lost that connection with H during R in regards to sex. After struggling with that for what seemed like forever (was really only about a year and a half in reality), I decided to try something new. Sorry for some TMI, I'll try to keep it g-rated. I'm a lights off gal, always. Just how I am. But that helped me get lost in my head while we were together. So I decided to light some candles, just a couple to illuminate the room enough so we could see each other. I told him that I needed him to look at me, look into my eyes, while we were together. I needed to know he was there, with me, at that moment, and nowhere else. I also needed to see that I was there with him totally at that moment as well.

This helped tremendously! Not only did it keep my thoughts on him, but I also was able to feel a deeper connection during sex than I have ever felt in my life! I've never cried during sex until the first time after DDay, and only a few times after that out of sadness and loss. However, after doing this connection excersize, there have been a handful of times where the connection, the love, the closeness, overwhelm me and I just release all my emotions at once and it comes out in a few tears. It's a great moment for me, I feel so... fresh at that moment. I feel like I've just released every emotion that is inside of me all at once, good, bad, neutral. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's very connecting.

Knowing posted 8/3/2013 15:24 PM

"Welcome to the plain of lethal flatness. I just got here myself, but I can show you around. Hopefully we won't be here long, and it's a relief after that months-long roller coaster ride, isn't it?"

ItsaClimb posted 8/4/2013 01:48 AM

doesitgetbetter, that's something so simple yet so powerful - thanks so much for sharing.

Knowing - I hadn't thought of it that way, but yes, this is clearly the plain I'm in!

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