I am struggling to feel emotionally connected to fWH when we are physically intimate, not only during sex, but even the act of cuddling together, holding hands, any physical manifestation of our love. It's not that I don't enjoy physically touching or holding my husband, I do, I totally enjoy it, it's just that I don't attach emotional significance, or meaning to it.
This morning fWH and I were snuggling on the bed after we woke up, he was lying there saying "I love you more than anything in the whole world" as he stroked my hair - before that would have been a deeply emotionally connected moment and I was lying there feeling... nothing....nada...zilch. I was enjoying the warmth and cosiness of snuggling up in bed, but there was no emotional meaning to it at all.
I told him how I was feeling, wondered aloud whether over time I would feel that emotional connection in that way again. I could see how it hurt him that he was feeling such deep emotional connection and I felt nothing.
We explored it for a long time and I figured out that although I believe fWH genuinely loves me, I feel that love when we are talking about our relationship, reading an infidelity related book together, cooking together, laughing about something one of our daughters has done etc - those are all things he didn't do with OW. When we are doing things he DID do with OW - eg cuddling, sex, holding hands then I feel no emotional connection whatsoever.
It's like a penny dropped for me when I figured that out. It explains why I don't get really upset, the way some people do, when having sex - for me it is just a physical act. It's pleasurable, exciting, physically fulfilling, but there are no emotions involved. How sad is that?!
When we talked further this morning, trying to establish why I feel this way, I figured out that it's because those physical acts lost their value when he shared them with OW. BEFORE OW he would lie on the bed with me, stroking my hair, telling me how much he loves me etc etc. A few months later he would lie with OW on the bed at her house, stroking her hair, telling her how much he loved her. NOW he is lying on the bed with me, stroking my hair, telling me how much he loves me.... That act has NO VALUE. It is simply what he does with the woman he is with at that particular time. Same with any number of other acts that he did with me - then OW - now me again. How can I value those things when I know he did it with me BEFORE OW, with OW DURING the A and now with me again AFTER OW?
I so badly WANT to be able to feel a deep emotional connection with fWH at times like these. I feel it is something really significant that has been stolen from me and I want it back!
I would so appreciate input from those who are in the same position and especially from those who have managed to get past this stage. Is it, like so many other aspects of this, simply a matter of time?