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OW contacted my daughter.....gonna lose it

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SorrowBhindSmile posted 8/3/2013 03:19 AM

no...seriously...i am going to lose it...i am hanging on by a very thin thread that is quickly unraveling....i didn't know where to post, but since my WH and i are committed to R...i dont know.....i'm just losing it...

quick background...OW family and mine were close...vacations, gatherings, birthdays. She lives right down the street. It has been difficult.

Since DDay I have told OW's BH on several occasions that OW is never to have contact with my children. She is not to engage in any conversation with them what so ever.

I have learned that recently the OW approached my pregnant daughter and was giving her baby/delivery/labor advice.

I thought i made no contact clear. I mean whats not clear about "OW is not to approach my children in any capacity for any reason"????

Help. Advice. Thoughts. If nothing else remind me that violence is never the answer and i am better than that.

(for the record, when i found out and talked to WH he was a rock and supportive and did everything right. He has been NC with OW since DDay, committed to R and working very hard on himself)

[This message edited by SorrowBhindSmile at 9:51 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/3/2013 03:36 AM

I know it's tough. Her strategy was to interject herself into your life through your daughter. Do your kids know? if not tell them!

Hearthache again posted 8/3/2013 04:21 AM

You do need to tell them. They are older and can handle the news.

You should also come up with a plan about what is to be done next she tries and talks to your children.

We had to do this with our young kids after dday #1 because OW#1 did some very crazy stuff. She used her children and mine as pawns in her stupid mind games. They would point her out and would walk very far away. They were even told to tell a teacher or other adult if she was to talk to them. We felt it was a safety thing at that point.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 4:22 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

sinsof thefather posted 8/3/2013 04:43 AM

As a mother, I can only too well imagine just how angry you really are. (((SorrowBhindSmile))) I would be fuming too. But I am glad you came here to let it out first and didn't confront her immediately, because this needs thought on how you proceed from here - if I am correct in that your children don't know about the A?


The thing is, it seems to me as though this OW definitely hasn't 'got over' your husband - what with her hiding behind hedges to watch him cleaning your car - and now actually approaching your daughter. I think she still wants some kind of link or contact with him in any way she can get it.


Her appeal (through her husband) to be able to talk to you personally so that she can apologise - is coming from that same need for contact - any kind of contact - with your husband, if you ask me. I based that on the fact that her watching behind the hedge in her front garden is the only one of those things that she thinks no one else KNOWS about - so I think that action shows her true intent/feelings - and it's all based around your husband still.


This all leads me to believe that she has not owned anything, not done any work on herself, not 'let go' of the A, and has most certainly not 'got' that there is to be complete NO CONTACT between your families. I think this could only be the start.


The problem is - what do you do about it? I think that depends on whether you are prepared to tell your children or not. That would stop it in it's tracks immediately - but you may not want to do that - especially if your daughter is pregnant.

So if it were me I think in the first instance, I would tell her husband that she approached your daughter and give him another no contact letter to give to her - this one spelling out what you are prepared to do if she contacts ANY member of your family again - and that could include telling the children and exposing her (and your husband of course). But you do have to be prepared to ACT on whatever you say.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 4:46 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Knowing posted 8/3/2013 08:19 AM

If your daughter is old enough to be a mother, she's old enough to know the truth about why the OW's presence and advice is so toxic in her life. Your daughter presumably is an adult and a free person, but informing her will give her a good idea of what boundaries she might want to have with the OW.

As for the other children, depending in their age they could be told, but only if she tries to involve them.

How did you find out she was hiding behind the hedge to watch your husband? Certainly at a certain point all this becomes harassment and stalking. When you've had enough you can involve the authorities and ask for a restraining order or have her charged with harassment or stalking.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 8/3/2013 12:14 PM

None of the children know. The OW BH and i have kept minimal communication for the sake of our young children. Since they all share several friends and have been friends since basically birth, we were trying to not let this affect the children. They are innocents, and we were trying not to let this intrude into their lives any more than it already has. Everything i have done has been for the children....they didnt choose this, they didnt ask for this...i thought we could try and be adult about it....but clearly the OW is not capable of that.

NC will have to be put into place for all the children. I see that now, and i am prepared to follow thru. The question is how to do that. I;d prefer not to tell the younger ones. And while my daughter is an adult....she has a baby due...i dont want to ruin this time for her or add to her stress.

I agree with every single thing you said, SinsOfTheFather. you hit the nail on the head. She hasnt owned anything, and she continues to try and insinuate herself into our lives in whatever way she can.

Knowing....a neighbor of mine saw the OW on MANY occasions watching my WH after DDay....she came and told me. I told the OW BH, but he doesn't seem to think its a big deal. He's all about the rug sweeping......which is all the more reason a stricter NC needs to be put into place.

[This message edited by SorrowBhindSmile at 10:01 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Tearsoflove posted 8/3/2013 15:04 PM

All of my children know but not because I want them to think less of their father. They know because I wanted them to understand that we are human and we make relationship mistakes that we've learned from. I felt that they would understand better how to protect their relationships if they understood what had happened in ours.

My youngest recently went through some inappropriate behaviors with her boyfriend so I had her read "Not Just Friends". When her boyfriend pulled his head out of his ass, he came and apologized and asked me what he could do to make my daughter feel less insecure.

My point is that you don't have to approach it from the "There's a crazy lady bothering you" standpoint. Instead, you can approach it from the "sometimes relationships have issues, let me share with you so you can better protect your relationship."

I can almost guarantee that as soon as she knows who the lady is, further contact will come to a swift end.

Really, any time someone other than you knows a secret, there is the risk of it coming out. Children can feel betrayed, too. I'd say it's better that yours hear it from you than from someone else and it is always a possibility that a nutty OW could decide to tell them. Since she doesn't recognize that her behavior is inappropriate, you have no idea what her next move will be.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:05 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

jo2love posted 8/3/2013 16:46 PM

SorrowBhindSmile -

There is to be no venting or namecalling of the OP in Recon. Would you like me to move this thread to General?

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