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Newest Member: okiedokie1964 (61516)

User Topic: EA partner is single again
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The friend I had an EA with is single again. He broke up with his live in girlfriend and she moved out. I know this because H works with the girlfriend and she told him.

This happened before we knew a "special" friendship was infidelity. Before I knew the terms EA, PA and anything else.

Now H is worried that he will try to contact me again. I've done my best to reassure H that I have no interest. The EA was never a sexual content. It was a friendship plain and simple. I know that crosses the boundary because it excluded my H. If I'm honest, I know that eventually it probably would have gone to a sexual relationship. We were having trouble in our M instead of talking to each other H withdrew and I turn to the friend.

I'm worried if he does try to contact me. Our M is in a good place. Better than its been in a long time. I just don't want anything to rock the boat.

I don't miss friend per se but I miss having that friendship. After that I was always careful not to let anybody get into our marriage. Even my female friends aren't that close.

You would think after my husband's affair I'd be willing to guard our marriage with my life. And I am. I just miss the friendship.

So get out the 2x4's. I think that's what I'm going to need to help me put this into perspective.

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 962 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 29971
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2x4s. Learn how to be your own best friend instead of your worst enemy. Its something I'm working on as well. Learning to like to be with yourself. I know I depend on my H too much to be around me because I don't like to be alone or in my own company. So, its something I need to work on and it sounds as though you do too.

If the AP attempts contact, immediately let your H know. Change your e-mail, phone number, etc. If the AP becomes more threatening by say, riding by your house every hour, calling and hanging up, etc. that's harassment and although a restraining order doesn't guarantee he'll stay away, it will sure as shit help in court if ever needed.

I know you said you missed the friendship, why don't you have that with your H? Is there communication between you two regarding this? Maybe the AP spoke your Love Language where as your H didn't. In this case, learn each others Love Languages. Tell him your needs and concerns.

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1944 | Registered: Oct 2010
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno. I don't think any one person can be everything to another. For me, I have deep, satisfying girlfriend relationships. They fulfill something that my husband could never. And likewise, my H has friends from way back that I couldn't possibly and wouldn't want to replace.

As for the OM, as long as you're transparent and let your H know if you do get contacted, then all is fine. You can't control the OM. Your H cannot control the OM. So don't worry about things you can't control.

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and I do talk, but he has other friends and so do I.

This friend and I have always been close. We grew up together.

I get that I messed this up by developing feelings for him, but I still miss our friendship.

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 962 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, why is this person still consideref a "friend" and why do you even know his relationship status. Develop that friendship with your spouse.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♀ 25392
Member # 25392
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 4 years? Has anyone ever heard from someone after that long. I would think he wouldn't contact you after that long, but maybe it happens.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2009
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It happens.

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55123 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 21886
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of being transparent is letting your BS know if/when contact is attempted - even if it's through a 3rd party. It may not happen but it's best to be prepared. Formulate a plan with your BS on what you'll do if contact is attempted. A plan for you, a plan for him and a plan for you both - cover all bases or as many as you can. Practice it and practice it so if/when it happens, you do it without thinking.

As for missing the friendship, could it be you miss the feelings you had with this person? If so, perhaps you should look at them more closely. What exactly *were* those feelings?
I understand wanting to maintain a childhood friendship - you have a history together that's impossible to have with your H - but people grow up and grow apart. It's part of life.

Let your H be your best friend but not your *only* friend. Be a friend to yourself as well. I had to learn to do this myself. Part of my why was I didn't like myself, I didn't know how to validate myself as a person. Perhaps you need to learn that as well.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 7:36 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

BH Cee64D - 50
FWW (me) - 51

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 6164 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 8

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