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EA partner is single again

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Flatlined123 posted 8/3/2013 11:48 AM

The friend I had an EA with is single again. He broke up with his live in girlfriend and she moved out. I know this because H works with the girlfriend and she told him.

This happened before we knew a "special" friendship was infidelity. Before I knew the terms EA, PA and anything else.

Now H is worried that he will try to contact me again. I've done my best to reassure H that I have no interest. The EA was never a sexual content. It was a friendship plain and simple. I know that crosses the boundary because it excluded my H. If I'm honest, I know that eventually it probably would have gone to a sexual relationship. We were having trouble in our M instead of talking to each other H withdrew and I turn to the friend.

I'm worried if he does try to contact me. Our M is in a good place. Better than its been in a long time. I just don't want anything to rock the boat.

I don't miss friend per se but I miss having that friendship. After that I was always careful not to let anybody get into our marriage. Even my female friends aren't that close.

You would think after my husband's affair I'd be willing to guard our marriage with my life. And I am. I just miss the friendship.

So get out the 2x4's. I think that's what I'm going to need to help me put this into perspective.

stilllovinghim posted 8/3/2013 11:58 AM

No 2x4s. Learn how to be your own best friend instead of your worst enemy. Its something I'm working on as well. Learning to like to be with yourself. I know I depend on my H too much to be around me because I don't like to be alone or in my own company. So, its something I need to work on and it sounds as though you do too.

If the AP attempts contact, immediately let your H know. Change your e-mail, phone number, etc. If the AP becomes more threatening by say, riding by your house every hour, calling and hanging up, etc. that's harassment and although a restraining order doesn't guarantee he'll stay away, it will sure as shit help in court if ever needed.

I know you said you missed the friendship, why don't you have that with your H? Is there communication between you two regarding this? Maybe the AP spoke your Love Language where as your H didn't. In this case, learn each others Love Languages. Tell him your needs and concerns.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/3/2013 12:06 PM

I dunno. I don't think any one person can be everything to another. For me, I have deep, satisfying girlfriend relationships. They fulfill something that my husband could never. And likewise, my H has friends from way back that I couldn't possibly and wouldn't want to replace.

As for the OM, as long as you're transparent and let your H know if you do get contacted, then all is fine. You can't control the OM. Your H cannot control the OM. So don't worry about things you can't control.

Flatlined123 posted 8/5/2013 20:45 PM

H and I do talk, but he has other friends and so do I.

This friend and I have always been close. We grew up together.

I get that I messed this up by developing feelings for him, but I still miss our friendship.

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/6/2013 15:21 PM

BS here, why is this person still consideref a "friend" and why do you even know his relationship status. Develop that friendship with your spouse.

TeachDis posted 8/8/2013 16:49 PM

It's been 4 years? Has anyone ever heard from someone after that long. I would think he wouldn't contact you after that long, but maybe it happens.

authenticnow posted 8/8/2013 18:09 PM


It happens.

Clarrissa posted 8/9/2013 19:36 PM

Part of being transparent is letting your BS know if/when contact is attempted - even if it's through a 3rd party. It may not happen but it's best to be prepared. Formulate a plan with your BS on what you'll do if contact is attempted. A plan for you, a plan for him and a plan for you both - cover all bases or as many as you can. Practice it and practice it so if/when it happens, you do it without thinking.

As for missing the friendship, could it be you miss the feelings you had with this person? If so, perhaps you should look at them more closely. What exactly *were* those feelings?
I understand wanting to maintain a childhood friendship - you have a history together that's impossible to have with your H - but people grow up and grow apart. It's part of life.

Let your H be your best friend but not your *only* friend. Be a friend to yourself as well. I had to learn to do this myself. Part of my why was I didn't like myself, I didn't know how to validate myself as a person. Perhaps you need to learn that as well.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 7:36 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

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