Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Outing the OM/OW

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

jtom posted 8/3/2013 11:58 AM

Wanted to get my thoughts in on telling the other betrayed spouse. When you discover the love of your life has strayed and the OP is married or has a live-in. ALAWAYS TELL! ALAWAYS. Ive noticed lately that some posters just wont do it. They site a number of reasons, THERE ATTORNEY TOLD THEM NOT TO,THE OTHER BETRAYED SPOUSE MIGHT BE CRAZY,IT WILL MAKE MY WIFE/HUSBAND ANGRY and the classic excuse IAM TAKING THE HIGH ROAD AN NOT TELLING, PLEASE! By not telling, you now become a co-conspirator in this mess. The other betrayed spouse has a right to know. Its just wrong thinking not to tell them. In almost all cases by outing the affair to the other betrayed spouse , WILL END THE AFFAIR!If at some point you are going to try an reconcile, the affair has to end an this,by outing the affair in most cases will knock the straying spouse off the fence, dashing their little fantasy an give you a platform to attempt reconciliation.I can use myself as an example. Ive been married twice. The first time for seven years(no kids thank god) an the second to what I thought was the love of my life for eighteen years(two kids both boys)In both marriages they strayed an in both cases when I outed the affair to the other betrayed spouse it ended the affair,immediately.Both women came back begging for me to take them back.I tried but ended up divorceing both of them. I guess Iam not very good at it(marriage) but by outing the affair it did give me a platform to attempt reconciliation. Even if your of the mindset not to try for reconciliation you still should out the affair to the other BS.Youre do a little revenge an this will give you some. But in the end,by telling the other BS, is the Right thing to do for them an you.

Gemini71 posted 8/3/2013 15:01 PM

My WH used posted ads on Craigs List. I'm sure he would rather not tell me who the OW is/are, but when we have our sitdown with a MC for disclosure, I will insist on knowing so I can out her/them to any BSs. I didn't know what was going on for over a year, and that is the part the currently hurts the most. I'm not delaying to avoid 'hurting' anyone, I'm just letting myself get strong so I can do the right thing.

BryanP37 posted 8/3/2013 15:42 PM

I agree fully. I was the last to find out. The AP's BS discovered what was going on 2 months prior to me finding out. Instead of ending the affair, my ex wife and her AP took things further underground. I was completely oblivious as my ex wife showed no outward signs she was cheating.

The AP's wife caught them at it again. Instead of telling me, she sort of gave hints. Luckily, I picked up on them and did my own detective work.

My confrontation was nuclear and I ended up getting dangerously physical on the AP. I am ashamed of that part as I injured him severely and he will carry a scar on his face. I'm lucky I didn't go to jail. I immediately set the divorce process in motion as revenge on my wife.

It is grossly unfair to the other BS to not know. I spent 2 months in the dark living a lie because the other BS wouldn't speak up. I agree she is a co-conspirator. Especially since the affair didn't end when she initially discovered it. If I had found out when she did at first, it's very likely the affair would have ended and reconciliation MAY have been possible. Instead, being played for a fool 2 more months killed any of those notions and my wife got the boot. Bad for her as AP and his BS are attempting R and have moved to another city. My ex wife got left with nothing. She's now trying to convince me to attempt R with her.

Right now it's impossible in my mind.

To all of you on the fence about outing the AP: The high road is outing the AP. The other BS deserves to know. What they do with the info is up to them. Don't help the cheaters keep a secret!

[This message edited by BryanP37 at 5:56 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

njgal480 posted 8/3/2013 16:23 PM

I agree with you 100%.

After I found out the LTA I contacted the MOW's husband.

I was shocked to find out that he already knew about the LTA and had been sitting on this information while he was preparing to divorce her!

He didn't tell me, his WW, or my FWH that he knew!

I wish he had told me because the LTA would have ended years earlier and it would have saved me so much additional grief.

His wife was a serial cheater and he had gone through this with her 20 years previous with another married co-worker.
They had a d-day then and he reconciled with her.

Now when he found out about her newest LTA he was done with the marriage.And quietly began to get his ducks in a row getting ready to divorce.

I outed the LTA to everyone including their co-workers and boss. I believed in the scorched earth approach.

I also spoke with the MOW's husband a few times and even met up with him one time to exchange copies of email evidence that he had.
He was a very nice guy and there was no drama.

Personally, I think that the reason the MOW continued cheating on her BH throughout their marriage was because he never outed her first affair and his WW had zero consequences.

He allowed her to continue working in the same place and never checked on her story that her first OM had left the job (meanwhile they continued to work together for 20+ years).
When her first OM finally left the workplace she set her sights on the next candidate and that was my FWH.

I agree.

The other betrayed spouse deserves to know.

betrayedbyluv posted 8/3/2013 19:21 PM

Add me to the agreeing! My Dday was 8/29/12, after being lied to about OW's spouse's name (we had socialized with them when our 7 year old was around 2 so I had forgotten his name), I did a spokeo search, found their address and on 8/31/12 sent a registered letter with copies of the emails to him, paid the extra fees so ONLY he could sign for it. That was the Friday before Labor Day, he called me on Tues and was VERY grateful for me as he said "having the courage for standing up and doing what was right". He had no idea. The other woman that my H was sexting, I found her H on FB and messaged him and when he responded, I sent him the emails. The last woman he was sexting that I found out about on 1/3/13, her H was harder to find but FINALLY I found an email, not sure if it was the right one but I did email him to let him know (no response from him).

As a BS I would most definitely want to know (not really want to know but I guess NEED to know). I wouldn't want to continue living a lie and being a fool thinking my H was being as faithful as I was.

LearningToFly posted 8/3/2013 23:59 PM

The frustrating thing is that counselors say NOT to tell. Even the book "Not Just Friends" says not to tell if there is a possibility of violence and since I don't know the OBS, how do I know that my H and his OW aren't telling the truth. I tried early on to get ahold of the OBS but she is the one to answer the phone. She figured out early on that I was calling because they have caller ID and blocking. I am now blocked. Someone on this board also tried to call for me several times. They don't answer the phone. By the time I did those things, our then marriage counselor told me not to tell. Our new marriage counselor says the same thing. I brought it up to my IC and though she has listened to how I was trying to reach the OBS, when I asked point blank if she thought it was the right thing to do, she said no. She said she would want to know and agreed I wanted to know, but if there is even a small possibility that it could send him over the edge, I shouldn't take a chance in letting him know.

I carry guilt about this. I will also carry guilt if I tell and something bad happens. I will also feel like our new counselor will put me in the box of not being willing to work with her and give up on me. I hate this. I feel like my selfish H has put me in a no win situation and he doesn't even care. It affects my desire to really pour myself into reconciling even though I don't want a divorce.

womaninflux posted 8/4/2013 00:32 AM

sometimes there is no spouse to notify (if the AP is single).

The only person I could have notified was her boss. In my case it would have been against my own self interest (i.e. WH has financial stake in company).

It's not always black and white. But yes, you are correct in saying other significant others should be notified when possible.

RedRose posted 8/4/2013 09:36 AM

Did you all know the other BS beforehand? I need to contact the BS, and feel like I can't move forward in R until I do. But, I can't find him. I sent a letter to his house, that I suspect OW took before he got to it. I found a number for him online, but called this morning and found it was no longer his number. I do not know what else to do. They live in a different state. My next thought is that I could try a certified letter that he has to sign for. I don't know where he works, except that he works for the FBI.

solus sto posted 8/4/2013 10:01 AM

I agree that the OBS needs to know. S/he has the right to the truth about his/her marriage, and needs to be tested for STDs. Telling the OBS, kindly and compassionately, is an important thing to do, IMO.

But I don't think it's reasonable to conclude that telling the OBS will confer any type of control over the outcome.

As BSs, we often do things thinking they will change outcome---especially soon after d-day. We think that if we do the 180, the WS will see what they have to lose. If we tell OBS, a light will be shed on the affair, causing the two to skitter apart like cockroaches when the kitchen light is turned on.

Wrong. Telling the OBSs is the right thing to do. They deserve to have information necessary to protect themselves.

But may not have the outcome you envision. Betrayed spouses cannot control what their WSs think, feel, or do. We can't control the outcome, vis-a-vis the continuation or cessation of the affair. We retain the ability, of course, to say, "I am not staying in this marriage." We can control ourselves. And that is all. (Early on, it does not seem enough. With time, we begin to see the great power in this.)

It's not about your outcome. Telling the OBS is right simply because it's right.

ETA: Red Rose, I had difficulty locating OBS, too. OW used her maiden name, and I didn't even have a last name to go on. I learned how to find it in the Investigative Tips forum. Once I knew OBS's surname, it took a quick Google search to find where he worked; I then sent a registered letter requiring his signature to his place of business so that OW ---who had been warned by my husband-- could not intercept it.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:05 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

jtom posted 8/4/2013 15:29 PM

A great many if not most marriage councilors have not experienced being betrayed in THEIR marriage. Don't kid yourself. They would want an need to know to. The right thing to do is to tell the other betrayed spouse.

mandan66 posted 8/4/2013 15:46 PM

I agree with all, but womaninflux is right; like her, my WS would most certainly lose her job, and then my kids and I come out big losers. Not fair, but there is a grey area here.

betrayedbyluv posted 8/5/2013 13:41 PM

When I informed OBS he went nuts and informed EVERYONE his WS knew, friends, coworkers, ex co-workers, family etc. He even informed my WS's employer (OW & WS worked together in the past). OW lost her job and her marriage. I do NOT feel bad for her one bit!! She put herself in the situation, not me and not her BS. My WS was "talked" to about his poor job performance (I believe due to the A) and has had to be working his butt off to get back on track (again, no sympathy here).

joeinfl posted 8/5/2013 16:24 PM

This is really tough, I have taken a beating on this board for not telling the OMS, but you are right. Every single person in a role of trusted advisor (attorney, individual counselor, family) has told me not to reach out to this guy's wife. And they are emphatic about not telling, their rationale varies from not playing god to limiting exposure to remaining like "Bambi" during the separation/divorce process. I guess if I was definitely going to R with WW I would tell, but don't see the upside otherwise. I agree they have a right to know, but my WW and the OM don't have the right to put me in the position of having to be the person to tell. I don't know, I am torn on this one.

FeelingSoMuch posted 8/5/2013 17:35 PM

I vote for telling them.

If my WW's AP's girlfriend had learned of their A before me, I would've been grateful to hear from her.

I found out first, called her and she expressed gratitude. Said she had been noticing odd things happening around her that she couldn't quite understand.

Being told that her live-in boyfriend was cheating with my WW made her understand what was going on and made the feeling that she was going crazy disappear.

They are in R. The moment I called the OW, my wife's AP stopped trying to call her.

Then I acted like an ass -- just to be sure he'd stay away. I sent the AP's mom a Facebook message outing him. His mom didn't reply.

1Faith posted 8/5/2013 17:46 PM

I struggled with this for over a year but finally did it because it was causing me pain and guilt.

I resented that she got off "scott free" while I withered in pain and despair.

I also felt guilty bc her BH didn't know who he was living with and sharing a life with. A cheater and a liar.

In the end for me it was the a matter of doing for someone else (the OP's BS) what you would have wanted others to do for you.

This is not an issue of wanting revenge or to hurt another person, but rather an issue of fairness to the OP's BS. Additionally, contacting the OP's BS removes the secrecy from the affair, and since affairs thrive on secrecy and deception, it will damage the affair. I chose to contact the OW's H out of a sense of self preservation because I figured that if he knew my own marriage would have a better chance of surviving the affair.

I also did it out of a sense of guilt and telling him was only fair.

I felt a huge guilt balloon pop once I had hit send. I did what I felt was the right thing to do.

All you can do is be honest, respectful and then they have to decide what he will do with the information.

Yes, it sucks that we the BS are put in the position to do the right thing for the AP's spouse. Sick and twisted but it's par for the course.

Really, do we expect more from cheaters and liars? Especially in the beginning?

Shine a big bright light one whole lying mess. Watch the roaches run for cover.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:09 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

jtom posted 8/5/2013 17:59 PM

Joe, the OM an your WW are not forcing you to tell. That comes from within yourself. Iam sure that both of them are delighted that you haven't told. An again think of the OMs betrayed wife.What will she think of you when she eventually does find out and that you knew about the affair an didn't tell her.Personally, I wouldn't care if my attorney told me not to tell or that many of these so-called relationship experts advise against it.They are just flat wrong.The other betrayed spouse has a right to know. To protect themselves an their family that they created with the OP. I know I sound like a broken record on this, telling the other betrayed spouse is the RIGHT thing to do.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.