Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
The AP's wife caught them at it again. Instead of telling me, she sort of gave hints. Luckily, I picked up on them and did my own detective work.
My confrontation was nuclear and I ended up getting dangerously physical on the AP. I am ashamed of that part as I injured him severely and he will carry a scar on his face. I'm lucky I didn't go to jail. I immediately set the divorce process in motion as revenge on my wife.
It is grossly unfair to the other BS to not know. I spent 2 months in the dark living a lie because the other BS wouldn't speak up. I agree she is a co-conspirator. Especially since the affair didn't end when she initially discovered it. If I had found out when she did at first, it's very likely the affair would have ended and reconciliation MAY have been possible. Instead, being played for a fool 2 more months killed any of those notions and my wife got the boot. Bad for her as AP and his BS are attempting R and have moved to another city. My ex wife got left with nothing. She's now trying to convince me to attempt R with her.
Right now it's impossible in my mind.
To all of you on the fence about outing the AP: The high road is outing the AP. The other BS deserves to know. What they do with the info is up to them. Don't help the cheaters keep a secret!
[This message edited by BryanP37 at 5:56 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]
After I found out the LTA I contacted the MOW's husband.
I was shocked to find out that he already knew about the LTA and had been sitting on this information while he was preparing to divorce her!
He didn't tell me, his WW, or my FWH that he knew!
I wish he had told me because the LTA would have ended years earlier and it would have saved me so much additional grief.
His wife was a serial cheater and he had gone through this with her 20 years previous with another married co-worker.
They had a d-day then and he reconciled with her.
Now when he found out about her newest LTA he was done with the marriage.And quietly began to get his ducks in a row getting ready to divorce.
I outed the LTA to everyone including their co-workers and boss. I believed in the scorched earth approach.
I also spoke with the MOW's husband a few times and even met up with him one time to exchange copies of email evidence that he had.
He was a very nice guy and there was no drama.
Personally, I think that the reason the MOW continued cheating on her BH throughout their marriage was because he never outed her first affair and his WW had zero consequences.
He allowed her to continue working in the same place and never checked on her story that her first OM had left the job (meanwhile they continued to work together for 20+ years).
When her first OM finally left the workplace she set her sights on the next candidate and that was my FWH.
The other betrayed spouse deserves to know.
As a BS I would most definitely want to know (not really want to know but I guess NEED to know). I wouldn't want to continue living a lie and being a fool thinking my H was being as faithful as I was.
I carry guilt about this. I will also carry guilt if I tell and something bad happens. I will also feel like our new counselor will put me in the box of not being willing to work with her and give up on me. I hate this. I feel like my selfish H has put me in a no win situation and he doesn't even care. It affects my desire to really pour myself into reconciling even though I don't want a divorce.
The only person I could have notified was her boss. In my case it would have been against my own self interest (i.e. WH has financial stake in company).
It's not always black and white. But yes, you are correct in saying other significant others should be notified when possible.
But I don't think it's reasonable to conclude that telling the OBS will confer any type of control over the outcome.
As BSs, we often do things thinking they will change outcome---especially soon after d-day. We think that if we do the 180, the WS will see what they have to lose. If we tell OBS, a light will be shed on the affair, causing the two to skitter apart like cockroaches when the kitchen light is turned on.
Wrong. Telling the OBSs is the right thing to do. They deserve to have information necessary to protect themselves.
But may not have the outcome you envision. Betrayed spouses cannot control what their WSs think, feel, or do. We can't control the outcome, vis-a-vis the continuation or cessation of the affair. We retain the ability, of course, to say, "I am not staying in this marriage." We can control ourselves. And that is all. (Early on, it does not seem enough. With time, we begin to see the great power in this.)
It's not about your outcome. Telling the OBS is right simply because it's right.
ETA: Red Rose, I had difficulty locating OBS, too. OW used her maiden name, and I didn't even have a last name to go on. I learned how to find it in the Investigative Tips forum. Once I knew OBS's surname, it took a quick Google search to find where he worked; I then sent a registered letter requiring his signature to his place of business so that OW ---who had been warned by my husband-- could not intercept it.
[This message edited by solus sto at 10:05 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]
If my WW's AP's girlfriend had learned of their A before me, I would've been grateful to hear from her.
I found out first, called her and she expressed gratitude. Said she had been noticing odd things happening around her that she couldn't quite understand.
Being told that her live-in boyfriend was cheating with my WW made her understand what was going on and made the feeling that she was going crazy disappear.
They are in R. The moment I called the OW, my wife's AP stopped trying to call her.
Then I acted like an ass -- just to be sure he'd stay away. I sent the AP's mom a Facebook message outing him. His mom didn't reply.
I resented that she got off "scott free" while I withered in pain and despair.
I also felt guilty bc her BH didn't know who he was living with and sharing a life with. A cheater and a liar.
In the end for me it was the a matter of doing for someone else (the OP's BS) what you would have wanted others to do for you.
This is not an issue of wanting revenge or to hurt another person, but rather an issue of fairness to the OP's BS. Additionally, contacting the OP's BS removes the secrecy from the affair, and since affairs thrive on secrecy and deception, it will damage the affair. I chose to contact the OW's H out of a sense of self preservation because I figured that if he knew my own marriage would have a better chance of surviving the affair.
I also did it out of a sense of guilt and telling him was only fair.
I felt a huge guilt balloon pop once I had hit send. I did what I felt was the right thing to do.
All you can do is be honest, respectful and then they have to decide what he will do with the information.
Yes, it sucks that we the BS are put in the position to do the right thing for the AP's spouse. Sick and twisted but it's par for the course.
Really, do we expect more from cheaters and liars? Especially in the beginning?
Shine a big bright light one whole lying mess. Watch the roaches run for cover.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:09 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]