But in a way, my brain is making it this game where I want him to want me, but I don't want to give him false hope either.
I'm also second guessing whether or not I should have moved back home-even though I KNOW in my gut it would have been a mistake.
Then I tell myself "what does it matter if you didn't give him that chance, you don't want to be with him anyway." (and I gave him a thousand other chances that he screwed up)
I have been following your story pretty much from the start. He sounds a lot like my ex in the way that he has been back and forth on his words and actions. Saying he want to work it out, try again and then doing the complete opposite, in the form of engaging with females and behaviours that caused the problems in the first place. I have been NC with him for 5 days now. It was at my request because contact from him was keeping me stuck. This is the longest we have gone without speaking and it is so very hard. Even though I need him to not contact me, it hurts that he hasn't and in some ways I wish he would. I have quoted the above from you original post because that is how I feel and I feel crazy for it. Even though I know I could never ever give him another chance and be with him again, a big part of me wants him to want me. In the same way, I hope he doesn't contact me and doesn't ask me to try again because I'm scared of getting sucked back in again. I know nothing good can come from being with him at all.
I just wanted to share that and to let you know that you are not alone in your thinking and feeling. If you want to me PM me feel free.