SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

myperfectlife posted 8/3/2013 22:14 PM

Was anyone in the position of filing D on a remorseful WS?
If so, what were your reasons for going through with the D instead of R?

Thanks...

homewrecked2011 posted 8/3/2013 23:25 PM

double post

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:25 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

fallingquickly posted 8/4/2013 00:02 AM

Because, although he is remorseful, his choices for how to proceed and what I need are different. His idea of transparency and truth are different than mine. He won't do an "SI type" reconciliation. He is more of a "focus on the future" kind of guy. Maybe that means he isn't truly remorseful but just sorry to be caught. I don't know that he would do much differently if he could go back. It really is what he wanted to do at the time. He had a lot of fun. He continued to cheat after DD#1. Basically, although I want to, I don't trust him enough. He has shown me he will hide things from me.

crazynot posted 8/4/2013 01:41 AM

IMO the A resets the clock, and you have no obligation to stay married. It comes down to whether or not you have feelings of love, affection, passion for the WS.

brainless twit posted 8/4/2013 03:32 AM

I do believe my xWH was remorseful. That said, I wasn't able to recover from what happened and move forward. I hated who I had become and I couldn't be happy no matter what. The divorce seemed to break the cycle.

When I told him I was filing, that was my last attempt to see if he cared one way or the other, to see if he would fight for us. And his response was, "Well, if that's what you think you need to do.." And two weeks later (we were still living in the same house) he was in "love" with some random girl. I actually had to comfort him while he cried because she rejected him.. Talk about rebound relationships!

You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt - as you can see in my signature, we have tried to R since our divorce. And he cheated again. So I don't even know where we are right now. But even before this happened, I didn't regret divorcing him. It was necessary for me to start to heal.

Williesmom posted 8/4/2013 07:43 AM

Mine was remorseful, but I proceeded with the D anyway as a means of financially protecting myself.

Turns ou that he was still seeing MOW and his current girlfriend. He did have a major breakdown about 18 months after the D was final, but it was too little, too late.

Loyalty2Liberty posted 8/4/2013 08:21 AM

Don't worry, you probably aren't.

Claims of remorse are common. Actual remorse is rare.

If you feel the need for D, odds likely are that the reason boils down to your WS's lack of remorse causing them to continue hurting you and hurting you.

Maybe you think you have to believe anything they say about their thoughts and feelings because to do otherwise is improper. Maybe you're buying the "different standards" bullshit. In the end it will be made painfully obvious.

LisaP posted 8/4/2013 11:23 AM

In the end, what he did was a deal breaker for me.

I didn't make any rash decisions, took it one day at a time, got my head straight, and a year and a half later....I filed. I had to do it for me.

FaithFool posted 8/4/2013 12:02 PM

Sometimes there just is no other way.

It's agonizing, especially when they are genuinely sorry for what they've done. But in my case it was twenty years of cheating, and I just couldn't wrap my head around continuing with someone who was capable of that.

We are now five years down the line from D Day and he agrees with me that continuing as we were would not have been the right thing to do.

I also got what appeared to be a teary snot-dripping mascara-smeared (well if he had been female...) apology, quite recently actually. He has nothing but regrets, and I don't envy him one little bit. He's the one who has to live with himself.

You have to do what's right for you to move on and heal. I couldn't imagine ever getting there if I had stayed.

myperfectlife posted 8/4/2013 15:26 PM

Thank you everyone, so much. I really appreciate your comments.

I guess I need to really think about the fact that the WS remorse does not mean I owe them anything in return.
I don't.
I don't.
I don't.

wonderpets posted 8/4/2013 22:57 PM

Sometimes remorse comes when they have so thoroughly fucked up that there is no turning back. And then, are they just remorseful for the Mrs their life has become?

m334455 posted 8/5/2013 00:01 AM

You're exactly right. Just keep repeating it to yourself. It's not your place to be responsible for another adults feelings of remorse or regret or to protect people from the consequences of their actions.

persevere posted 8/5/2013 00:18 AM

Define remorse from your perspective. I doubt his definition is the same. And if you're not on the same page how can you reconcile?

Btw - I would love to be wrong here - but from what I've seen it's unlikely.

whatdoto posted 8/5/2013 08:48 AM

Yes, I am divorcing a remorseful spouse. Remorseful for WH is saying I'm sorry, ILY's and let's get on with our life.

And, after Dday, I started looking at all the "broken" pieces of our M foundation and saw the total dysfunction in our M. He didn't see it, therefore there was nothing to "fix". I and the M wasn't worth the real work.

ETA: fixed some wording

[This message edited by whatdoto at 8:50 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

tigrislilium posted 8/5/2013 12:49 PM

Whatdoto,

HOLY SHIT!! Your tag line: "If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there"
just nailed 80% of the baggage I brought into my marriage!

Thank you! I hope you see this because THAT just gave me my next IC session's topic (and probably MANY more).

I'm gonna PM you so you know how much you helped me!

whatdoto posted 8/5/2013 14:03 PM

tigris,
Thanks, but I cannot take credit for that tag line. Another SI member, sorry I don't remember who, said that and it rings very true.

I want to be my ideal person now, not down the road. That's why I'm here in D/S.

Glad you got something from it.

Stay strong sweetie!

myperfectlife posted 8/5/2013 22:16 PM

When I told him I was filing, that was my last attempt to see if he cared one way or the other, to see if he would fight for us. And his response was, "Well, if that's what you think you need to do.."

I did the same thing. His response was that he wanted me to heal in whatever way I could.
After swearing not to talk to OW ever again (D or R) he went back to her before I even had the chance to file.
He's been textbombing me all week (I just filed last Monday) about wanting one more chance. He's borderline nervous breakdown here. I asked him if they were intimate lately and he had sex with her AFTER I caught him at her house before I filed.
Wow.
The hits just keep on rolling.
At least he was honest about it.
For whatever pitiful amount THAT is worth these days. Not much.

So, yes, he is remorseful but in a way I think he's more upset about what HE has lost than what I have lost.
My youngest son called to tell him about football practice and mentioned I made soup. STBWXH told him "I really miss your mom's soup."
Hahaha...maybe you should have thought about the soup before you had an affair.
Hahahaa...that sounds ridiculous, but really, marriage is made up of so much-an entire 18 years of life that we shared. Was it worth throwing that away? Was it?
No soup for you!

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 10:17 PM, August 5th (Monday)]