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blakesteele posted 8/4/2013 01:08 AM


Marriages after a DD are barely breathing...so I am curious as to how people come to terms with the fact that a BS still has sexual urges but for obvious reasons has trouble engaging the fWS to meet those urges. Trouble initiating and trouble completing...each time running the risk of more rejection and adding more to the pile of dung to dig through and sift out. I am talking about masturbation....not revenge affairs.

We never had the HB
stage....so we may be different then most.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:08 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

ItsaClimb posted 8/4/2013 02:49 AM

I'm having a LOAD of trouble with this myself. I am at the stage where sex is happening, but it has no emotional connection at all. It's pretty much masturbation using another person as the means to the end!

I think at this stage of our recovery sex is like a mine-field! It suddenly develops more significance than it ever did before because there is so much riding on it (geez that is an awful pun right there!) and it is such a touchy topic (ohmyword, I should probably quit trying to write this response right now..."touchy topic" )

What I am trying to say is that the whole issue becomes fraught. Well it has for me. I find myself over-thinking it all the time: "Well I really don't want to have sex with him right now, but if I don't have sex with him, well that is just looking for trouble, isn't it?"...or, "I actually want to have sex, but I am so angry with him right now, and sex would be sort of rewarding him wouldn't it?" All sorts of thoughts go round and round my head. Sex used to be a no-brainer, it's what married people do... now it has all these connotations. It's so complicated! Sometimes a little ahem "self-help" is a much easier option... But I do believe that sooner of later we are going to have to confront all the issues around the actual act... If masturbation becomes a full-time escape from dealing with the issues around the act itself, well then it's no different from any of the other acts of avoidance (refusing to talk about the A etc) It comes back to "you can't heal what you won't feel".

Ostrich80 posted 8/4/2013 02:56 AM

It certainly does change things re sex. I have been with my ws since I was a teen. Suddenly I don't want to be undressed in front of him. I feel like I'm bring compared, judged, ... It's such a vulnerable spot to be in. It's almost like being naked in front of a stranger. I'm sure that doesn't help matters either when you want to give them a wild ride so to speak but your afraid to, it doent come natural..exactly what you said..you start over thinking what should be so natural. God I hate the fallout of A's.

WhatsRight posted 8/4/2013 07:36 AM

It's almost like being naked in front of a stranger.

I think - at least with my case - it IS a stranger. I dress in my closet. There is no touching of any kind with us. I guess I'm lucky that my sexual urges come and go with whether or not I am 'in love'. (from reading here, I guess that's not normal)

So, right now, I have NO DESIRE to have sex - kiss - hold hands - or anything. I do, however, want HIM to want it. I guess that's pretty much a total double standard. I just can't imagine what it would be like to be wanted again.

I have no idea what you 'normal' people do about these things.

Ostrich80 posted 8/5/2013 03:11 AM

I get it Whatsright..I so get what your saying

AFrayedKnot posted 8/5/2013 05:47 AM

I don't know if it healthy or not but it has worked for us. We made a no sexual gratification without the other person involved rule.

it took the pressure off of the rejection. "Hey, I'm going to take care if business. You can help if you want but you dont have to." Or "Sorry, I'm not really feeling it right now but i'll watch."

It seems to have help rewrite our thought processes that sex is about us not just about getting off.

bob1965 posted 8/5/2013 06:16 AM

Trouble initiating and trouble completing...each time running the risk of more rejection and adding more to the pile of dung to dig through and sift out.

You are not alone. I wish I had an answer.

We never had the HB
stage....so we may be different then most.

May be different than most but not alone. No HB for us.

blakesteele posted 8/5/2013 06:30 AM

Thanks for the support and feedback...Chico, I will visit with my wife on your suggestion. To do as you say...rewrite our thought process that sex is about us and not just about getting off...is sound advice. This approach is a departure of my view of sex pre-A...and is part of what I did to hurt my marriage before the A.

How much easier would that have been to work on had I recognized it as an issue that it was pre-A?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:30 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

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