"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
Our 11th anniversary is on August 21, he started his a on august 23 last year.
These last several days I keep thinking about what we were doing last year at this time, the time before.
I was so happy and full of hope this time last year.
We were planning our vacation to California. We hadn't taken one in quite a while. Taking 2 weeks, I hadn't done that in years, that much time away from work, that much time for just the 2 of us.
We had been so distant from each other, a story unto itself.
This vacation plan seemed to be opening up our communication. I had been so unhappy, he had been so critical and I must say mean towards me. All of a sudden he seemed to be coming back to me. Talking to me, smiling, telling me all the things that he wanted to show me. We were having fun together planning this.
I guess I saw it as a chance, time away with no stress. I place so much hope in this trip, so foolish.
I hoped that he would remember me, enjoy time with me, new shared experiences. No stress, maybe talk in a real way if he were relaxed. Maybe a second honeymoon, a chance to remember all the good.
That is what I was doing this time last year.
Our anniversary last year, it is a total blank. I cannot remember anything, nothing, that is so unlike me. Just this total void, not good, not bad, just gone from my memory.
August 23rd, he started his a with her. Of course I had no idea then, but now I do.
I remember the shift in his mood. Back to the irritability, impatience, meannesss and to be blunt, verbally and emotionally abusive, yes it was real, I just could never admit it before.
Still I hung on to my hope. Lived off those crumbs. I was being betrayed, he was working on replacing me, he was falling in "love". I didn't know, that hurts so much.
I wonder now how could he spend all day, every day talking and texting her and then look at me? How can you do this and look at the person you vowed to love, be faithful to? How do you live with yourself?
Wish these thoughts would go away.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie