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cantaccept posted 8/4/2013 06:10 AM

Our 11th anniversary is on August 21, he started his a on august 23 last year.

These last several days I keep thinking about what we were doing last year at this time, the time before.

I was so happy and full of hope this time last year.

We were planning our vacation to California. We hadn't taken one in quite a while. Taking 2 weeks, I hadn't done that in years, that much time away from work, that much time for just the 2 of us.

We had been so distant from each other, a story unto itself.

This vacation plan seemed to be opening up our communication. I had been so unhappy, he had been so critical and I must say mean towards me. All of a sudden he seemed to be coming back to me. Talking to me, smiling, telling me all the things that he wanted to show me. We were having fun together planning this.

I guess I saw it as a chance, time away with no stress. I place so much hope in this trip, so foolish.

I hoped that he would remember me, enjoy time with me, new shared experiences. No stress, maybe talk in a real way if he were relaxed. Maybe a second honeymoon, a chance to remember all the good.

That is what I was doing this time last year.

Our anniversary last year, it is a total blank. I cannot remember anything, nothing, that is so unlike me. Just this total void, not good, not bad, just gone from my memory.

August 23rd, he started his a with her. Of course I had no idea then, but now I do.

I remember the shift in his mood. Back to the irritability, impatience, meannesss and to be blunt, verbally and emotionally abusive, yes it was real, I just could never admit it before.

Still I hung on to my hope. Lived off those crumbs. I was being betrayed, he was working on replacing me, he was falling in "love". I didn't know, that hurts so much.

I wonder now how could he spend all day, every day talking and texting her and then look at me? How can you do this and look at the person you vowed to love, be faithful to? How do you live with yourself?

Wish these thoughts would go away.

sisoon posted 8/4/2013 15:15 PM

cant,

The first antiversaries are awful for a lot of us, so remember that you're not alone - you've got friends here who are going through this right with you, and other friends who've gone through it and know how you're feeling. (Including me - A went physical August 8, 2010, and lasted until 12/22/10. So far, this year isn't as bad as 2012, and my W says I was a wreck for the whole period in 2011.

Let yourself feel. Accept yourself during this lousy period. If you do the work of recovering, you do recover. Which leads to - what are you doing to recover? IC? MC? Are you getting your questions answered? Is your H transparent?

(((cantaccept)))

Undone1 posted 8/4/2013 20:18 PM

cantaccept,I just had my 11th anniversary over the weekend and there were some good moments, but mostly ups and downs. I felt very emotional and couldn't help but look back to those anniversaries that I felt something wasn't right, but had no idea what was really going on. Our dday is Oct. 27th,so we are 9 months out. We had a nice bike ride, but I started asking questions I know the answers to. We shared cards and his were incredibly sweet and thoughtful (even poetic). My card was a last minute, better make something up quick. It was hard to write and I got emotional just writing it. The end of the evening, I was in a funk about potentially not being able to do this (stay in this marriage). We were both emotionally exhausted by the end of the evening. But, I made it thru!

I have spent the day reflecting on what I could have done differently, and NOT BEATING MYSELF UP OR BEATING HIM UP. First, I could have not spent so much time being anxious leading up to the anniversary date. Second, I could have spent my mental energy trying to liberate my own head/thoughts from the bondage of his affair that I continue to create. I could have focused on my own healing, versus dreading the day. I could have worked harder to not ask questions.

What I did right: I went to counseling alone this week. I made dinner plans with friends for us so we were not alone, we did something active, I took a walk alone and tried to pull myself together when I needed to, cry when I felt sad.

Developing a plan for yourself is essential. This was really hard for me as I thought it would be, but I have to ask myself if I didn't really set myself up for a self fulfilling prophesy by dreading it. Hope my mostly up and down day can help you create a better day for yourself!

cantaccept posted 8/5/2013 19:32 PM

I am in IC and MC every week, I depend on it, like I do everyone here.

I read, I write, I am trying to regain a life of my own, be a bit social.

It is hard to make plans to do things, I think I am depressed and the energy just to do the necessary seems in such short supply.

H is transparent, all passwords, lets me know his itinerary without asking.

He is beginning to express remorse, beginning to read with me.

He is being honest, sometimes too honest, but I know it is necessary. Unfortunately it just seems to add to the mountain of pain.